


Indebted

by egret



Series: Rehabilitated [1]
Category: The Yards (1999)
Genre: Continuation, Domestic, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-11
Updated: 2012-08-11
Packaged: 2017-11-11 22:52:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 57,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/483764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/egret/pseuds/egret
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Willie and Leo get reacquainted several years after the events of the movie.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Indebted

**Author's Note:**

> Explanation of warning: There is no rape in this story, but one of the characters has been raped in the past and there is some discussion of that. Spoilers for the entire film.

The letter came with the return address of the upstate prison, and appeared to have been opened and taped back together. Leo recognized Willie's tiny handwriting and crushed the envelope in his fist before tossing it in the waste basket. He sorted through the rest of the mail and collapsed in front of the TV with a beer. Work was just exhausting; he hoped the hospital hired more orderlies soon because working shortstaffed was killing him. He got worried that all the commotion and running around would confuse him and make him screw something up. He was really working on not screwing things up anymore. This move to the Bronx after his mother's death had been a good idea -- no bad memories, no haunted apartment, closer to work and school. It was nice to have his own place, a clean fresh start. He turned the TV off when the news came on and headed for the shower. He tried to visualize all the stress washing down the drain and felt limp with exhaustion when he finally crawled into bed.

He tossed and turned for forty-five minutes before giving up. He padded back out to the kitchen and got another beer before retrieving the crumpled envelope from the trash. He smoothed the envelope as best he could. It had a “forwarded” stamp from the post office and his mother's old address. He took a deep breath and a big swallow of beer before opening it. There were two sheets of paper covered with dense tiny handwriting in smudged black ink. The pages had worn folds that didn't match the crumpled patterns, like they had been carried in a pocket for some time before being mailed. 

_Dear Leo,  
Please don't be pissed for me writing to you. Thanks for reading and not just throwing it away. I've been thinking a lot (a real lot) about you and everything that happened and want to tell you how sorry I am for everything. I am really sorry, but you can probably never forgive me, but I am still sorry in my heart Leo. I should not have done what I did, even though I did not know how it would come out. I wanted it to come out good for us. But still, I made you suffer for my doings. It was very wrong and I am very sorry. Because you are a very good friend and you always are faithful and loyal to me. I am shamed when I see what I have done to someone good like you. You should never trust me or forgive me now. If I could do it again, I would not do it, if I would know how bad it would be to you and how shamed I would be now. Another thing is that I am sorry about your cousin. I grieve for her, but I know she is in heaven. I know it is my fault that she died but honest, it was an accident. I did not know it would happen. I wanted her to listen to me. I would never hurt her on purpose. You know me Leo. I loved Erica. She was my fiancee. Probably her mother would not let her marry me because I am not good enough but at least she would live. I am very sorry about Erica also but it was an ACCIDENT Leo, even the court says this when they say manslaughter not murder. I swear on my mother it was an accident but I pay for it every day little by little but never enough paid for someone like Erica, I know. Now I am here. I wish I would talk with you in person but I cannot. So I write this letter to you. To say to you that now I am here and I know that I am not good enough for your friendship. When we were in school, I always made trouble for you and you always stayed by me anyway. You are a good friend and we had fun times. Remember we got high in the locker room that day? I always have a good memory of you. I do not care what _ _you said in the court. You said the truth. You always said I was the smart one but you think you are not but you are smarter than me because you speak the truth. Now I will say the truth, like you. I am still your friend even if you do not want to be a friend to me. In my heart I think of you in a good way always. It is not good here, the people here are bad dirty people. I know sometimes I am like them and that is why I am here. I am scared of them Leo. But it’s OK, I stay in my place. You know all my life I always try to go above my place, but in here I stay in my place and do not make trouble for myself. I am not so macho here. There is no respect here. Now I see it is me who belongs here and not you. I try to think of all these things so in a few years when I get out I will know the right thing to do. I guess I am rehabilitated ha ha._ __

_Now it is 2 pages. In the past, I talked too much and used to be a friendly guy. I am quiet and shamed here and now though. But in my head and my heart, I talk with you always and tell you things. All my secret things I tell only to you. And my mother in heaven. The reason being you always understand me. And you deserve trust, not like me. You are my strength Leo but it is OK if you never want to see my face again, I understand. To write a letter to you is almost like you are here. I wish I would see you but not here. I hope you are good and happy. And also that your mother is good. You are a good son to her. Tell her Willie says hi and he misses her cooking. Your mother does not hate anybody, she is a good person and God blesses her. I hope she is feeling good again now. I hope you are happy and making good money and do you have a beautiful girlfriend now? I hope so and I hope she loves you so much. She is lucky to have a man who is good, a real man like you with courage. You deserve a happy life. It is happier without me in your life, but my life is bad without you. Because that is my real punishment. But I know I deserve it. I am still sorry._

_Your friend, Willie G. inmate #2235777 (lucky 7s ha ha)  
p.s. I will like if you write back but I understand if you don't write back. I have too much time for writings. _

Leo dropped the letter on the table and got another beer. “Fucking Willie, why's he gotta start this shit after two years,” he thought. He darkly wished they'd bring back chain gangs so Willie wouldn't have had time to brood and scribble. Then he realized he didn't like that image either. He just didn't like to think about Willie at all. It brought no pleasure to picture him suffering in prison; Leo remembered too well what that was like and he had never even been to the serious prisons upstate. He didn't begrudge Willie his immunity plea-bargain on the racketeering charges, although he had been bleakly amused at the time to see Willie turn on his former employers. At least Willie was an equal opportunity traitor. He suspected that Hector had gotten softhearted and sent Willie a lawyer after all; he never had figured out how those two knew each other. He'd asked once and Willie had called Hector a primo, a cousin, but he never specified. 

All that talk about his mother reminded him that Willie didn't even know she had died last year. Willie had always been close to Leo's mother. He'd practically lived at their apartment after his own mother died when they were in the fourth grade. He’d eaten dinner at Leo's most nights instead of with the cousins who were supposed to be taking care of him, at least until he started going out more in high school. Willie had always made her laugh. Leo remembered a night right before their high school graduation. Willie had showed up at Leo’s with beer, and talked Leo's mother into having one with them, and then got her to tell them stories about her own high school days. She had giggled like a girl, and Willie had put the radio on and asked her to dance, being ridiculous, pretending it was a sockhop in their living room, telling her he loved her poodle skirt. To Leo's amazement, his mother had actually danced for a few minutes, doing the twist and giggling. After Leo's mother died, when he went through her things, he’d found she’d saved a stack of greeting cards from Willie. There was one for every month Leo had been in prison on the car theft conviction: a card for every holiday you could think of, and when there was no obvious holiday in a month, there was a religious card for some saint. In every one Willie had written a variant of the same thing, "Dear Mrs. Handler, This is to help with things." Then there would be a reminder of something nice she had done for him when he was a kid: baked him a birthday cake, helped him with his homework, helped him pick out a necklace for his first girlfriend -- Leo had forgotten all that stuff. Then the card would end, "Thanks for always being so nice to me, love from, Willie." She'd never told Leo about them. There was no indication of how much money had been in the cards, but for all the rotten things you could say about Willie, you couldn't call him cheap. Granted, if it wasn't for Willie, Leo wouldn't have been in jail in the first place. Leo had been dry-eyed and stony throughout the wake and funeral, but when he'd found the cards and their long list of his mother’s years of kindnesses, he’d finally broken down and cried. She had suggested, a few months before she died, that he visit Willie in prison, because, she explained, no one else would, and Willie used to visit him. Leo had refused. He didn’t owe Willie anything. The very idea of visiting a prison made him feel sick. He’d told his mother that if Willie hadn’t killed or doublecrossed everyone he knew, he’d have more visitors. They hadn't mentioned Willie again. But he was probably the only person other than Leo from whom she would have accepted money. He supposed he owed him that much. Leo got another beer and one of his school notebooks and a pencil.

_Dear Willie,  
I have some bad news. I am sorry to tell you my mother died last year. She was peaceful. She always liked you even at the end. I found the cards you sent to her. She saved them but she never told me. Thanks for that.  
Everything is OK with me. I am working and going to school to be a medical technician. It is a lot of work but it is good. I do not have much time though to write letters. I hope everything is OK with you and not too bad. Jail sucks. I believe you it was an accident but it is a bad memory for me. I try not to think about that stuff and just go on with my life. Take care of yourself Willie. Sincerely, Leo. _

He put the note in an envelope and addressed it but didn't include his new return address. In the morning, he would call the prison office and arrange a bank transfer. He figured Willie had probably put $100 in each of the cards, so he could put $100 a month in Willie's account. By the time his sentence was up, it would come out just about even.

  


**16 months later**

 

Leo hated opera. Frank Sinatra was enough Italian music for him. He still didn’t get why he had to take humanities classes in order to be a hospital technician; there was no need for music appreciation at the hospital. But they told him he couldn’t graduate without humanities classes, so he’d signed up for music appreciation, figuring he could doze in the back. Now he had to buy stupid classical CDs he would never listen to again and write reports about them. He hated writing too. 

The music store was crowded with shoppers and Leo wandered around for ten minutes without finding the classical section. Finally he asked, and an employee directed him to an elevator. Apparently the classical music was kept upstairs. Probably because hardly anyone wants to hear it or buy it, Leo figured. The elevator opened onto a hushed floor with posters of fat men in tuxedos. Leo could hear classical music playing. This must be it. The first cardboard display box he came to was stuffed with things he’d never heard of. He was never going to find what he needed for school. He looked around for another employee, hoping he could just hand over his list. There was a guy in dark slacks and a white shirt at the far end of the room unpacking CDs from boxes and stacking them on the shelving. He had dark curly hair pulled back into a little pigtail that hung down just over his shirt collar. Leo crossed the room, sighing to himself at the concept of longhaired classical music lovers and the weirdness of arty people. You need the credits, he reminded himself. It will all be worth it when you graduate. “Excuse me, I need some help finding some CDs.”

“Sure, what are ya lookin’ for?” The guy didn’t turn around, intent on facing out the new merchandise. He didn’t talk like an arty person. 

“Um, I’m not totally sure. I have a list. It’s for school.” 

“OK, lemme see the list.” He turned around and his dark features registered surprise and then wide-eyed smiling pleaure. “Leo!” 

“Willie?” Leo was unnerved at what seemed like sudden proximity. Willie stepped forward to hug him, but Leo backed away, even out of handshake range. “I didn’t know you worked here.” 

“Yeah, I just started a few months back. When I got out. How are you, man? It’s so great to see you.” Willie had given up on the hug and was making confused gestures with his hands, like he didn’t know where to put them. 

“I didn’t recognize you from the back. You grew your hair.”  
“Oh, y’know, work clothes. You look great. You look the same. Are you doing good?” Leo thought there was something weird about Willie’s smile. Willie looked really handsome with his clean shirt and crisp tie. Leo wanted to get away from him. He was wearing scrubs, which made him feel more sloppy and rawboned than usual. He felt stupid with his stupid school list. Why was he even standing here talking to him anyway? “Yeah, I’m good. Listen, you’re workin’, so I won’t keep you. Take it easy.” He turned and started for the elevator.

“Wait up, Leo! What about your CDs?” Leo hesitated. He did need them. If he tried to find another store, he wouldn’t have time to eat before his night classes. He didn’t hear Willie dash across the carpeted room, but suddenly he was at his side, taking the list from his hand. “Oh, we have these. C’mon. I’ll find them for ya.” Leo followed silently while Willie moved from rack to rack, deftly picking out CDs and matching them against the list. “Leo, there’s like ten versions of Madame Butterfly. Which one do you want?” 

“I don’t know. The regular one, I guess.”  
Willie looked at him. “What class is this for?”  
“Music appreciation.”  
“Where are you taking music appreciation?”  
“At college. It’s stupid but you have to to get your degree.”  
“You’re going to college?”  
“Community college. I told you.”  
“I know. But I thought you meant like a trade school.”  
“No, community college.”  
“That’s good though. College man. So you want all ten of these?”  
“I have to have them. Running up my credit card for this stupid shit.”  
“I kinda like some of the music though. It grows on you.”  
“Like a growth maybe.” Willie stopped at a bookrack, added a book to the pile and then headed over for the cash register. “Are there books on the list too? I didn’t even realize one was a book.”

“It’s not on the list but you need it.” Willie was busily entering codes into the cash register and doing something with the register passkey. Leo handed over his credit card resignedly. He’d buy the book too. Anything to get out of here and out of this ridiculous awkward conversation. Willie took his credit card and studied it carefully. He ran it through the machine, eyeing the screen, and when the credit slip spooled out handed it to Leo to sign. “OK, Leo, that comes to $15.47 with tax.” 

“Willie.”  
“What?”  
“There’s no way ten CDs and a book comes to anything under $100.”  
“Employee discount, buddy.”  
“I don’t wanna get you in trouble.”  
“I’m not gonna get in trouble, Leo. I’m rehabilitated, remember?” Leo signed the credit slip. He didn’t know what to say. Willie was confusing him. He wished he’d never read the stupid letter. Willie’s hair actually looked a little sissy, come to think of it, like a poet or something. Arty. He sounded normal though. He watched while Willie packed all the CDs up in a bag and then put the bag inside another shopping bag with the book and stapled the receipt to the whole thing before handing the package over the counter. Leo took it but Willie didn’t let go, just put his hand on top of Leo’s. “It’s really great to see you, man. I miss you.”

“I’m runnin’ late, Willie, I gotta go now. Take care.”  
“You too. Enjoy the CDs.”  
“Thanks. For your help. And the discount. Bye.” Leo managed not to run for the elevator which he was relieved to see was still on this floor so he didn’t have to wait around for it. He was shaking the entire walk to the subway. It was somehow worse that Willie had been so friendly. And looked a little hurt, maybe, that Leo wasn’t friendlier. Why would he think Leo would be happy to see him? He’d killed Erica. Even if it was an accident. He’d practically framed Leo. He was a loser piece of shit. Leo lucked out and got a seat on the train. At least Willie was out of jail, not that he hadn’t deserved a much longer sentence than he’d gotten. Leo couldn’t think about this now. He had to go to school and get something to eat. He looked in the shopping bag and pulled out the book, chuckling when he saw what it was. Classical Music for Dummies. Fuckin’ Willie.

  


**2 months later, Christmas Eve**

  


Leo was glad to be getting home, away from all the emotionality. He’d felt obligated to spend Christmas Eve with Bernie and Aunt Kitty, but had resisted their suggestions that he stay over. He loved them but their subdued dinner had just made him miss his mother more. And Erica. As the car service crept towards his building through the icy sleet that was snarling traffic, Leo tried to be philosophical. Christmas alone wasn’t the worst thing in the world. It was better than Christmas in prison, for instance. It was better than homeless Christmas. He could catch up on his studying. 

He was distracted by paying the driver and getting in out of the sleet so he didn’t notice the slight figure huddled on his steps until it spoke to him. 

"Leo?" 

He recognized the voice right away, but was still shocked. The figure stood up and Leo thought Willie seemed smaller, shrunken somehow, although that could have been the way he was huddled against the cold in a faded suede jacket. 

"Willie?"  
"Hi. Merry C-christmas."  
"What are you doing here?"  
"Wh-waiting for you."  
"Why?"  
"I j-just wanted to see you." Willie was shivering, and his teeth were chattering. His 

hair was wet and one long strand had gotten plastered to his forehead in the sleet. Leo thought he didn't look too good, actually. 

“How did you know where to find me?”  
“Buh-billing address fuh-from your credit card in the store c-computer.” "How long have you been here?" 

"Awhile."  
"What do you want, Willie?"  
"Can I c-come in?"  
Leo thought about all his first aid training in hypothermia, and sighed. "Alright, but not for long, just to get warmed up. I have a lot of stuff to do." Willie leaned down and picked up a dark plastic shopping bag from the steps beside him and followed Leo inside. He stood in Leo's kitchen, melting sleet dripping off of him onto the floor, his wet hair plastered to his head. "Take your coat off and put it on the chair by the radiator so it can dry." Willie did, and then sat in the chair himself, holding his hands over the warm radiator and soaking in the sight of Leo bustling around the kitchen putting the kettle on and getting mugs. "Do you want coffee, cocoa, or tea?"

"Oh, cocoa, please."  
"Haven't lost the sweet tooth, huh?"  
"I guess not."  
They didn’t talk for awhile. Leo put two mugs of instant cocoa on the table and sat 

down across from Willie. "So what brings you here really, Willie? It's Christmas Eve." "I know.” 

"What are you, the ghost of Christmas past or something? Come to rattle my chain?" Willie smiled weakly. "No, I just came to see you."  
“So, what, the credit card thing didn’t have my phone number too? You couldn’t call?” “It had the phone number. Can’t see you over the phone.” 

They stopped talking again. Leo stared watchfully at Willie, his face expressionless. Willie could feel himself shrinking down in his chair, and tried to sit up straight. He kept trying to look Leo in the eye, but could only manage darting glances. Leo wished he would just make his point and get out. "I thought you wanted to see me, Willie." 

"I do." 

"So look at me then. See me." Leo made his voice harsher than strictly necessary. He hadn't expected that Willie would seem even more pathetic inside the cheery kitchen than he had on the front steps. He'd lost weight, and his shifty hazel eyes looked a little cloudy and red- rimmed as if he'd been crying. 

Willie forced himself to make eye contact. Leo's clear blue eyes stared into his across the small kitchen table. They felt like laser beams going through him. He was a fool for ever thinking this might be OK. He closed his eyes and cleared his throat thickly. The ticking of the kitchen clock seemed very loud. 

Leo stared out the window at the shabby civic Christmas lights, candy canes swinging from the streetlamps in the storm. He’d been thinking about Willie earlier this evening, foolish nostalgia that he kept to himself during his stilted conversation with his aunt about the good old days and remember when. The current Willie sitting in front of him ruined all that. Leo couldn’t look at him without remembering all the bad stuff now. He looked. Willie was crying. Leo looked out the window again. He could feel anger in his own throat, mixed with an even more horrible sadness. He fed the anger. “Will, why don’t you cut the shit and say whatever you came to say or get the fuck out? I don’t have time for this.” 

“I’m sorry, Leo.”  
“You’re sorry?”  
“I came to apologize to you.” Now it was Leo who couldn’t meet Will’s pleading look. 

Sorry seemed so inadequate. Leo couldn’t think of anything that would be adequate. So why had he even let him in? Willie seemed to read his thoughts. “I know that’s not enough. I wish I could go back and change it. I’m really sorry.” 

“OK, you’re sorry. You’ve apologized.” 

“Also, I came to give you this.” Willie reached into pocket. He put 2 worn $100 bills on the table and slid it towards Leo. “For a start.” 

Leo stared at the money. “What’s that for?” 

“I’m gonna pay you back. For the money you sent. I tried to write and thank you but my letter came back from your old address. That was so good of you, Leo. Thank you.” 

“I only did it cuz you looked out for my mother that time. We’re even.” Leo pushed the bills back towards Willie. 

“Your mother? Jesus, Leo, your mother did for me my whole life; I owed her.” He didn’t touch the money. 

“I don’t want your money, Willie.” 

“Leo, it’s – the money’s the only thing I can make up to you. Please take it.” Willie stood up and put his jacket on. “Anyway, I should get going. Thanks for the cocoa.” 

Leo stood up too. “Uh, yeah.” He followed Willie to the door. 

Willie put his hand on the latch and then let go of it and turned back to Leo. “It was really great to see you, Leo. I miss hanging out.” He held out his hand. “Merry Christmas.” Leo stared at his hand for a moment and then looked at his face. Willie was biting his lip. He dropped his hand, swallowed hard, turned, and took a step towards the door. 

“Merry Christmas, Will.” 

Willie looked back over his shoulder and saw Leo holding his hand out. He spun on his heel and took one step past Leo’s hand and was right up against him, wrapping his arms around Leo’s shoulders. “Oh, Leo. Leo, I’m so sorry,” he whispered. 

Leo froze for a long moment, but Willie didn’t let go of him, and Leo’s hand seemed to move on its own to come to rest on Willie’s back. Leo closed his eyes. He missed Willie, the old Willie from before all the bad stuff. He missed his mother. He missed Erica. He missed people who knew him from the old days, even if the old days weren’t so good. He put his other arm around Willie and hugged him back. “I know,” he whispered back. 

“I love you, man,” Willie whispered, quickly kissing Leo’s neck before releasing him, trailing his palm down Leo’s arm. They stood and looked at each other. 

Leo cleared his throat. “Do you want a drink or something?”  
“Sure, Leo.”  
“Well, come sit down again. Whaddaya want? I don’t know what I got. There’s some 

vodka and some whiskey and there’s beer. I’m outta Jack.” Leo got some glasses from the cabinet and a tray of ice from the freezer. When he turned around, Will had put a shopping bag on the table. 

“No, you’re not.” Willie smiled at him. Leo looked inside the bag. There was a bottle of Jack Daniels with a red ribbon tied around it and an envelope that said “Leo” taped to it. He looked at Willie. “Little Christmas present.” 

“Uh, thanks.” Leo pulled the bottle out, put the envelope aside, and poured them each a double of Jack with a single ice cube in each. He held his glass out. “Merry Christmas,” he toasted. 

Willie clicked glasses with him. “Happy New Year.” They drank. Willie smiled at him again. “So you’re going to school now?” 

Leo explained about school for awhile. After another drink, the oddness of talking to Willie started to wear off and he felt more comfortable. Willie went to the bathroom, and Leo opened the envelope that had come on the bottle. It was a Christmas card with a peace dove on it. Inside it said “Peace and Love.” Willie had written, “Love, Willie.” Leo got a piece of scotch tape and taped it up along the window frame with the few others he’d received. Willie looked from the empty envelope to the card alongside the others and smiled again and topped up their drinks. “So, Leo, you’re working like a dog at the hospital, you’re working like a dog at this studying stuff, what are you doing for fun?” 

Leo considered it philosophically. “Not much. Y’know, hang with people sometimes, go for drinks, whatever.” 

“You seeing anyone?” 

“No. Y’know, hook up once in a while with one of the girls from work. Just friendly though. Nothing serious. I think she’s actually dating someone now. What about you? You seeing anyone?” 

“Me? No.”  
“How’s your job? You like the music store?”  
“It’s OK. It’s easy. Manager’s a jerk, but I work upstairs and no one bothers me.” “That’s good.”  
“Not like you, though, with school and all. You’ll have a friggin’ career.”  
“Yeah, if I don’t flunk the fuckin’ test.”  
“You won’t.”  
“I’m not even gonna think about it right now. You wanna watch TV?” They brought the 

bottle into the living room and sat on the couch. One of the cable stations was running old Star Trek episodes, and they watched those, laughing at the alien women in their go-go boots. Each episode seemed funnier than the last. Willie told Leo about dreaming he screwed Uhura. By the time he got to the way Uhura moaned “beam me beam me,” Leo was laughing so hard he was crying. He realized he was really drunk. How long had they been watching TV? The bottle was three-quarters empty. It was almost 4 am. He stood up. “Willie, I gotta go to bed.” 

Willie stood up too, swaying slightly. “Oh, yeah. OK. It’s late, huh?”  
“Yeah.”  
Willie headed for the kitchen where his coat was, but bounced a bit off the doorway. 

Leo followed him and watched him standing in the kitchen with one arm in his coat, trying to find the other arm. “Fuckin’ thing,” Willie muttered. 

Leo felt so sleepy. It was cold in the kitchen. He shivered. “Where ya livin’, Will?” “Brooklyn. Sunset Park.”  
“Shit. You want me to call you a car?” Leo thought a car service to the other end of the 

city would cost a lot, but the subway would take hours. “No. I’ll take the subway. Subway’s good.” “It’ll take hours this time of night.”  
“It’s alright. I’ll nap on the train.” 

Leo looked out the window. It had stopped sleeting and was actually snowing. We’re gonna have a white Christmas, he thought. “You can just crash here if you want.” 

Will looked at him. “You mean it? I can take the train. It’s no problem.”  
“It’s fuckin’ Christmas. Sleep on the couch. Least I can do.”  
Willie took his jacket off his arm and threw it back on the chair. “You went way beyond 

the least you could do ages ago, Leo.”  
Leo wasn’t even sure what that meant. He couldn’t think about it now. He went to the 

hall closet and found an extra blanket and pillow and carried them into the couch. “There’s an afghan on the back of the couch if that’s not enough blankets.” He turned to find Willie looking at him really happily. 

“No, that’s great, Leo. Thanks, really.” He squeezed Leo’s shoulder. 

“OK. Good night.” Leo headed for his bedroom. He heard Willie say “Good night, Leo. Merry Christmas.” He barely undressed before crawling into bed and falling asleep.

  


**Christmas Day**

  


Willie was dreaming about breakfast, like his mother used to make, huevos con chorizo and thick dark coffee and her humming while she cooked. He knew he was only dreaming, but it was so nice he stayed there for awhile. Una dia, Guillermo, you'll be el presidente, si? Si, mama, and you will be queen. Metallic scraping turned into clanging and some radio commercial for Toyotas, and he woke up for real, startled to see the unfamiliar room. 

"Coffee, Willie." Leo walked into the living room and put a steaming mug on the coffee table in front of the couch. 

"Leo."  
"Merry Christmas."  
"Feliz-- Merry Christmas." He staggered off the couch and into the bathroom, as details 

of last night came flooding back to him. Had Leo actually forgiven him? It seemed like part of the dream. He splashed some water on his face; he felt pretty hungover. It must have been real then. He straightened his clothes as best he could. He could shower when he got home. Home, Jesus, he was still in the Bronx. He should have eaten something before coming up here last night and swilling Jack. He went back to the living room and started checking under furniture for his shoes, swigging from the coffee cup when he passed it. 

Leo called from the kitchen, "Your shoes are on the radiator; they were wet." Oh right, there they were. When had he taken off his shoes? He grabbed them and sat down to put them on. They were nice and warm. He went out to the kitchen to find his jacket. Leo was spooning scrambled eggs and fried kielbasa onto two plates. There were glasses of orange juice and toasted bagels and cream cheese. Willie felt his stomach lurch. 

"Hey!" Leo sounded cheerful.  
"Hi, Leo. Good morning. Didn’t I leave my jacket out here?"  
"I hung it up. Don’t you want breakfast?"  
"I dreamed about breakfast. I didn't know it was real."  
"Your dream came true. Eat."  
Eating was the last thing Willie wanted to do, but he wasn’t going to turn down any 

friendly invitations from Leo. He could always puke later. They ate in silence for awhile, except for the radio, which had finished its commercial break and was back to Christmas carols. Willie’s hungover stomach was protesting the addition of fried sausage product, but he ignored it and smiled at Leo. "This is good. Thanks." 

"You're welcome." Leo got up and poured them some more coffee as Willie pushed his empty plate away and lit a cigarette. "So what are you gonna do today, now that you're awake?" 

"Go home and shower, for a start. Thanks for letting me stay over. What are you gonna do today?" 

"I offered to work, but they didn't need me, if you can believe that. Lots of people don't celebrate Christmas in New York, I guess." 

"So what then?"  
"I have this lunch thing to go to. Not for awhile yet though."  
"Oh." Willie put out his cigarette and immediately lit another one. "Leo?"  
"Yeah?"  
"Thanks for, for everything. For what you said last night. And for breakfast. It's been 

really good to see you."  
"It's good to see you too, Willie. Especially now that we sort of settled that, y'know?" "Yeah."  
"Now we don't have to think about it anymore."  
"Did you? Think about it, I mean?"  
"Well, yeah, sometimes. It was a pretty big deal. And then seeing you. I mean, I could 

see you were trying to be nice and fix it and shit but, I dunno." "Yeah. We got pretty drunk." 

"Yeah. So you're gonna take a shower? That's your big plan for the day?" 

"Pretty much, yeah." Willie snorted. "Hey, maybe I'll go all out and take a bath, stretch it out. Watch TV or something." 

"Do you wanna do the lunch thing with me?" "Your lunch thing?" 

"It's not my lunch thing, it's just a thing. I didn't want to just sit here and watch TV all day, so I signed up to serve turkey dinners to the homeless people at this church down the street. You can come too, if you want. We can eat the turkey too." 

"With the smelly homeless people? Yummy."  
"Yeah, I know, but at least I'm not by myself, y'know?"  
"Yeah, no, it's nice, Leo, a nice thing to do. Christmas spirit."  
"So do ya wanna come?  
"What the hell, OK. Guess I'll wait on the shower. If I smell I'll just fit in better." Serving turkey to the homeless wasn't as depressing as Willie expected. The homeless 

people were every bit as much of a drag as he had feared, and the kitchen was hot and smelly with donated turkeys and some weird cabbage smell, and actually the food was kind of gross when you saw it in such bulk. But Leo was in heaven. Willie crisscrossed the room clearing tables, and setting new plates down, and saying Merry Christmas and smiling perfunctorily at smelly winos. The bad smells were not helping his hangover nausea. He threw up in the men’s room a couple of times and then he felt a little better. He kept thinking he’d go home soon, but every time he looked over at Leo, he decided to hang in a while longer. Leo was scampering from wino to wino, actually touching them and smiling like a kid on Santa's good list, like each one was some special present to Leo that he was so happy to get. One smelly old guy insisted on tipping Leo a folded greasy dollar, and Leo grinned at him and actually hugged him. Willie was disgusted to realize he was jealous of a wino. He was lightheaded by the end of the day, trying to scrape off some disgusting unknown substance that had spilled on a table. He really didn't want to know what it was and wished he had some of those plastic gloves; he was sure some of these people had diseases. A shadow fell over the table and he looked up. Leo was standing there, backlit by a stained glass window, and Willie felt his breath catch. Leo looked like a real angel smiling down on him, blue eyes lit up, face gleaming with happiness, and crystal wings hovering a few feet behind him in the windowpanes. 

"Hey Will, you're workin’ too hard. Take a break. It's slowing down. Come and eat." "What I really want is a cigarette. And some fresh air. If it's slow, I'm going outside."  
"I could use some air." They huddled in the corner of the church entry that served as a 

windbreak. Away from the noisy diners, it was a quiet winter afternoon with few people on the street. Willie smoked. "So do ya wanna eat?” Leo asked again. “It's way past lunchtime." 

"Honest, Leo? I can't stand the smell of turkey for another minute." "Oh. OK. I hear ya."  
"So I guess I oughta be getting home."  
"What are you doing for Christmas dinner?" 

"Oh, I’ll pick something up on the way home." 

"You wanna go out to dinner, Willie?” Leo smiled that same welcoming sincere smile Willie had been envying all afternoon. 

Willie couldn’t believe it. “You wanna have Christmas dinner with me?” “Well, it’s you or the winos. I don’t have any plans.”  
Willie smiled. “OK, yeah. I don’t have plans either.”  
"Whaddya wannna eat?" 

"Anything but turkey." 

They ended up eating Chinese food at the closest open restaurant. They talked and laughed about junior high school and gym class and girls they had liked. Willie felt so happy that he jumped guiltily when he noticed Leo checking his watch. 

"Oh man, I'm sorry. It's getting late, isn't it? We should go." Maybe Leo didn’t really want to hang out. Maybe he just hated eating alone. 

"No, it's not that late. I was just, actually, it's stupid. I was just gonna watch that Christmas movie on TV tonight. I always watch it. It's like a tradition. It doesn't start for half an hour though. Come watch it with me if you want." 

They got more beer at a deli and went back to Leo's and settled in on the couch to watch It's A Beautiful Life. They didn’t talk during the movie. Leo was surprised Willie was so quiet, but he didn’t seem bored. He seemed very intent on the movie, sprawling in the middle of the couch. His knee kept grazing Leo’s. Leo thought of asking him to move over, but that sounded so unfriendly. Willie had always been kind of touchy-feely; Leo thought it had something to do with him being Spanish. Leo got up and got another beer, and when he came back and sat down again Willie seemed even closer. Leo could see that Willie was delighted to be hanging out; he’d been smiling giddily at Leo all day long. Leo wondered if they would hang out after this, or if this was just some weird Christmas fluke. In retrospect, he was glad Willie had turned up. He’d been dreading spending the day alone; that’s why he’d signed up for the charity lunch thing. And forgiveness was a good Christmas thing. He hadn’t really hated Willie for years now, and the last of the real hatred had evaporated when he’d read that pathetic letter. He’d never thought Willie really meant to kill Erica; that had to have been an accident. An accident that wouldn’t have happened if Willie hadn’t been such a prick, but nevertheless an accident. Deep down, Leo didn’t even think Willie had ever planned to frame him. It had all just happened that way, and Willie took advantage of things. He always had; that was just how Willie was. All afternoon, Leo had looked over at Willie dutifully feeding the homeless, and seen his heart wasn’t in it, and wondered what he was trying to prove. But try as he might, Leo couldn’t think of anything he had that Willie could want. Other than forgiveness, but wanting to be forgiven didn’t seem like such an evil plot. Leo remembered how desperately he’d wanted his mother to forgive him when he got out of jail, and how easily she had. She would have wanted him to forgive Willie. 

The movie ended. Willie got up and brought them more beers and Leo flipped through the channels. It was mostly crap, films of Christmas ceremonies around the world, the Vatican, more old Christmas movies, human interest news, and informercials. Leo stopped for a few minutes on an ad for home gym equipment in which a busty blonde was flexing her body in transparent clothing, sweating aesthetically. Willie laughed. “I’d give her a workout.” 

Leo snorted. “The ones at my gym never look like that.” 

Willie said, “Yeah, they’re at home with all this stuff. I’d buy it for her. Be a workout just watching her.” 

“Those things cost a fortune,” Leo said. “OK to change it?”  
“Yeah, change it. Not like it’s decent porn.”  
Leo flipped through more channels. “It’s not porn if it’s decent.”  
“You know what I mean.” He looked over at Leo curiously. “Do you have any porn, 

Leo?”  
“What do you mean?” Leo was studying the TV Guide channel intently, watching the 

scrolling lines confirm that only crap was on.  
“You know what I mean,” Willie said.  
Leo got up and opened the cabinet door on the TV stand. He pulled out a videotape and 

put it in the VCR. Cheesy music filled the room and a blowjob in progress filled the screen. Willie laughed. “You didn’t even rewind it.” 

“The beginning’s slow.” A man started moaning loudly and Leo turned the sound down a little. They watched the movie in silence. Leo remembered Willie used to crack jokes throughout porn movies, but he’d gone still and quiet beside him on the couch. Leo was glad because he actually thought this woman was amazing. She had a perfect body and seemed very into what she was doing. She was onto another man now, though there was a little cum in her hair from the last one, and there were more lapping sounds and more moaning. This tape always turned him on. He felt distracted suddenly by the warmth of Willie’s thigh lying alongside his on the couch. Willie was shifting around a lot; maybe that’s why he was noticing it. Leo turned his head to look at him, and maybe tell him to move over, and was surprised to 

see Willie staring at him intently. It wasn’t a hostile stare; if anything, Willie looked loving. Leo smiled a little in reaction to that. Maybe Willie was drunk. “Willie?” 

Willie leaned in and kissed him gently on the mouth. Leo’s brain stuttered “What? What?” at him. The porn tape kept moaning. It could only have been a few seconds but it felt like ages as he could feel his brain processing each unfamiliar thought. He felt the tip of Willie’s tongue flick at his lips. This seemed like a very tender kiss rather than a joke. Leo put his palm on Willie’s shoulder to push him away, but his mouth apparently disconnected from his brain as he felt it opening a little and kissing Willie back. He heard a little whimper that seemed closer than the TV. A hand moved up his thigh and found his dick, curling there warmly and getting him harder. Leo mentally located both of his own hands and pushed with the one on Willie’s shoulder. The warm hand stroked a little. Leo pulled his mouth away from Willie’s and pushed harder. They stared at each other, and Willie took his hand out of Leo’s lap. Willie licked his lips. Leo hoped he would make a joke, but he didn’t. The woman on the tape was getting fucked now, moaning “yes, yes.” Neither of them looked at it. 

Willie frowned a little. “Leo,” he whispered. 

“What the fuck, Will?” Leo could hear someone’s breath hitching and didn’t know who it was. Maybe him. Or Willie. Or someone on the tape. 

Willie whispered, “I just, I wanna, just kiss me then.” He took both Leo’s hands in his and started kissing him gently again. Their clasped hands lay on Leo’s thigh, and he could feel one of Willie’s thumbs rubbing small circles there. Leo pulled his head away and Willie let him go. 

“What’s wrong with you?” Leo asked.  
“Nothing. Leo, I just, you’ve been so good to me. I wanna do something for you.” “Yeah, Will, no offense, but you don’t do anything for me, OK? I think you’re drunk, 

man.” Leo pulled his hands away and reached for his beer. “Maybe you could move over a little, huh?” Willie got up and left the room. Leo returned his gaze to the TV and hoped the weirdness was over. 

Willie came back swigging from a fresh beer, but instead of crossing in front of the TV he was suddenly kneeling in front of Leo, facing him. He put his beer carefully on the coffee table. Leo couldn’t look at him and shifted his head to see around him to the TV. Willie reached out and touched Leo’s knee. His voice was quiet. "Leo, please let me. Let me blow you. I’m good at it, honest. You don't have to do anything. You just watch the tape. Or close your eyes and think of someone else." 

Leo kept staring at the TV. “You don’t have to do that.” 

"I want to. I want for it to really be you." Leo stared at him for a second and then looked away again. This was too weird. Willie was kneeling there begging to blow him? He wondered if he should punch him, but it didn’t seem to be an insult or a joke. Actually, Willie seemed a little emotional. Leo didn’t know what to say. Willie was still talking. Leo tried not to stare at his lips. 

"Just this once, Leo. You could just close your eyes, you wouldn't even know it was me, I’ll be quiet." Willie heard the wheedling tone in his own voice and made himself shut up. Leo didn't say anything. Willie felt sick to his stomach. He's spoiled everything; he always did. He forced himself to look up at Leo. Leo had closed his eyes and spread his legs a little. 

Silently, Willie leaned forward and unfastened Leo’s pants, freeing his hard dick. Willie stroked it carefully, holding his breath. Leo held his breath too, but started panting as Willie's attentions continued. He hissed when Willie's lips closed around him. Willie worked his way down Leo's shaft in slow glides, stopping now and then briefly to lick at him and to steal a glance at Leo's beautiful frowning face and then engulfing him again. The feel of Leo throbbing in his mouth was exciting, and he wanted to touch himself but was afraid to disturb whatever Leo's thoughts were with any extraneous motion. He wanted to wrap his arms around Leo's waist and put his hands under his sweater and rub his warm skin but tried not to touch him with anything but his mouth.

Leo was finding it increasingly hard to think. He cracked his eyes open and looked at Willie, but couldn’t see his face. He’d been truthful about being good at this, anyway. Leo’s legs trembled every time he did that tongueswirling thing. Willie had his hands braced on the couch on either side of Leo. Leo thought it looked like an awkward and uncomfortable angle. He slid forward a little more to fix it and Willie looked up at him for an instant, meeting his eyes. Leo was shocked by how aroused Willie looked. Willie put his hands on Leo’s thighs for a second, then he gripped the sofa again and went back to cocksucking. The improved angle let him swallow more of Leo than before. He must have done this in jail, Leo thought. That’s where he got good at it. Leo suddenly remembered his own time in jail, and a young kid who blew him once in awhile. The kid was always beat up and Leo had felt bad for him. But that had been a financial transaction. He flashed on how tender Willie’s kiss had been and suddenly felt like an asshole. That hadn’t been a “think about somebody else” kiss. Leo felt like he’d drifted way out over his head on this one. He put his hand on one of Willie’s and Willie clutched it tightly. Leo put his other hand on Willie’s head and stroked his hair experimentally. Willie froze for a second, then continued his steady up and down rhythm. He’s not even rushing this, Leo thought. He’s keeping it going. He moaned when Willie did the tongue thing again. 

This just didn’t seem right. The videotape had ended and there was white static on the screen. Willie’s fingers were caressing his. Leo squeezed Willie’s shoulder and pushed him gently back, keeping hold of his hand. Willie whined once but sat back obediently. Willie’s free hand drifted to own crotch for a moment but then he returned it to the edge of the couch and looked up at Leo. Leo caught a glimpse of desire on his face but then it was as if a mask descended and Willie was somebody else, somebody else who looked flirtatiously at Leo through his eyelashes and licked his lips. Leo leaned forward and stared into Willie’s eyes seriously. He saw Willie’s eyes fill with tears. Leo pulled him closer and kissed him gently. He could taste himself. Leo released him and said, "We're not in prison, Willie." 

"Oh. OK." Willie looked embarrassed. His voice was shaky. He started to get to his feet and then stopped and looked at Leo’s erection. “Don’t you wanna finish, though?” 

Leo stood up and held out his hand. “Yeah. C'mon." 

"Leo?" Willie looked confused but took his hand and stood up. Leo heard his knees crack. 

"We're not in prison. I have a bedroom. You don't hafta kneel on the fuckin’ floor." He led Willie through the kitchen and down the hallway to his bedroom. He sat down on the edge of the bed, patted the space beside him, and started undressing himself. "Well, c'mon Willie. You'll be more comfortable." 

Willie could not speak, but took his clothes off and knelt at the foot of the bed. Leo turned out the light, so they were in the dimness of the streetlights filtering in through the frosty windows. 

"So where were we, Will?" Leo's voice was almost cheerful, like he was smiling while he lay back there on the pillows. Willie stretched out between Leo's legs, and went to work with enthusiasm, letting his hands roam over Leo's downy thighs and abdomen, gripping his hips when they started bucking, grinding a little himself against the sheets. He was thrilled when he heard Leo making incoherent noises, and when Leo finally came in his mouth. Willie swallowed, kissed the softening cock lightly, and moved up to lie beside Leo, arms touching, smiling to himself. Listening to Leo's calming breathing contented him; the smell and taste of him felt so familiar and safe. 

Once Leo seemed to have quieted, Willie started to tend to his own arousal, stroking himself, thinking of the look on Leo's face. He wished Leo hadn’t turned his head away so he could look at him now. Just as his breathing was getting a little jaggy, Leo grabbed his arm. Willie froze mid-stroke. He should have gone into the bathroom to do this. “Sorry,” he whispered. He started to get up but Leo held onto his arm. Did Leo not want him to come at all? “Leo?”

“C’mere, Will." Leo pulled Willie down into his arms and spooned behind him, holding him tightly and reaching around his waist to stroke his erection firmly, seriously. Willie moaned once and then bit his tongue. He started thrusting into Leo's hand and came almost immediately, whimpering despite his effort to stay quiet. He felt Leo wiping his hand on the sheets near his leg. 

"Sorry."  
"No problem."  
"Thank you," Willie whispered. He felt Leo kiss the nape of his neck, then release him and turn over.

"Sleep, night" Leo muttered. 

Willie lay awake for a long time, though, smiling.

  


**Boxing Day**

  


"Willie, wake the fuck up, will ya?" Someone was shaking him roughly. He opened one eye and saw Leo inches from his face, yelling, and flinched back instinctively, realizing at the same moment that he was naked. Leo was dressed and sitting on the edge of the bed putting his shoes on. "C'mon Will, I'm gonna be late for work. Get up." 

Willie got up and scrambled into his clothes, then splashed some water on his face in the bathroom. He could hardly believe last night had even happened. He smiled at his reflection in the mirror over the sink. He hadn’t showered in two days. His hair was filthy. I look like shit, he thought, but happy shit. 

"Willie, c'mon, I'm late!" 

He dried his face and presented himself in the living room, where Willie had laid out his shoes and his coat. On top of the coat was a creamy Irish fisherman’s sweater, a black wool scarf and a shabby pair of leather gloves. 

"I'm sorry to rush ya, man, but we overslept, and I'll be late. We can get some coffee at the bodega on the way to the subway." 

"OK, Leo." He slipped into his shoes and pulled his jacket out from under the pile of woolen things. 

“No, Willie, put those on too. It’s fucking freezing out there.” He indicated the frost patterns on the windows. “They don’t really match for a fashion show, but they’re warm.” 

“Ok, Leo, thanks.” The sweater was big on him, but smelled like Leo, like a big hug. 

It was a cold five-block walk to the subway. Some of the homeless people waved at them. Leo waved back. 

“So how ya feeling, Willie?” 

“Good. You’re right. I’m much warmer this way. I’ll return ‘em to you later in the week?” 

“Oh, keep ‘em. You can have ‘em.”  
“Are you sure? It’s a nice sweater.” Leo nodded. “Well, thanks.”  
"So do you have work today?"  
"Yeah, but I'm calling in late; I've gotta go home and take a shower." Leo bought them coffee and rolls at the bodega and they headed down into the subway. The train was noisy and crowded but they stood together near the door. Willie watched all the crushed smelly humanity around him and snuck little glances at Leo. On about the twelfth glance, he finally caught him glancing back, and smiled. Leo smiled back. He loved Leo's smile. "So, Leo, do ya wanna maybe hang out later in the week?" He had to half-shout to be heard over the train's rattling.

"I don't know, I don't know what I'm doing. Call me," Leo shouted back. "OK, I will." 

"I probably can." 

"OK, good." They were coming up to the stop where Willie would have to change trains for Brooklyn. "It's my stop." 

"Oh, OK."  
Willie reached out and patted Leo's arm. "Bye, Leo."  
"Have a good one, Will." The train pulled into the station. Willie started for the doors but Leo suddenly grabbed his hand and squeezed it. Willie looked back, and Leo waved a goofy little wave at him, grinning. Willie flashed on junior high again, and Leo, always making stupid faces and making him laugh. Like he'd read his mind, Leo crossed his eyes and made a monster mouth. Willie laughed out loud and dashed through the closing doors, his heart singing.

He didn’t find the $200 in his coat pocket until he was buying a sandwich at lunch.

  


  


**December 29**

 

Willie was frantic, and pissed at himself for being frantic. The paella wasn’t coming out right and the supermarket didn’t have mussels so he’d substituted bluefish which was completely the wrong consistency. He’d called one of his cousin’s wives for advice and she’d started asking him about what beautiful creature was inspiring him to cook such a fancy dinner and he’d made some excuse about burning and hung up. He’d made the flan from a mix. He knew better than to mess around with desserts. But rice and fish had seemed manageable. The salad was made. The wine was chilling in the fridge. The table was set. There was a blue tablecloth which was actually a sheet but who would notice, and the dishes all matched. He’d bought flowers for the table, but then taken them off because they were too much. Then he’d lit candles and then blown them out as they were also too much, but he’d left the candlesticks and put the flowers in a vase on the counter. Leo was due here in half an hour and he hadn’t taken a shower yet. He poked at the rice, willing it to cook faster. Leaving work early was not enough; he should have called in sick for the whole day to get ready for this. Maybe this whole idea of cooking for Leo was stupid. Maybe they should have just gone to a bar. How pathetic was he if his stupid fat cousin’s stupid fat wife thought it sounded romantic without even seeing it? Of course, she was a woman and noticed such things. Leo might not. He realized he didn’t know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. 

Enough. He had to chill out before Leo got here. He would compromise on the rice. He turned it off but put a lid on it so it could steam more. He went into the bedroom and found half a joint on the dresser and sparked it up. Better. Think mellow. He shrugged out of his clothes and grabbed a clean towel from the fresh laundry, contemplating his newly made bed. Maybe the shower would clear his mind. The hot water felt good, calming, and the weed was slowing his racing thoughts a bit. Maybe this was wrong, this thing he had for Leo. When had it even started? He’d always thought Leo was handsome, so fair-haired, so blue-eyed. And he’d always loved him, always. Even if he hadn’t always acted that way. But not this sex thing. He’d only been this obsessed with Erica. Well, OK, he’d always known Leo was hot for Erica too, but that just made her even hotter. He’d tried several times to talk Erica into approaching Leo about a threesome, but she’d said it was a sick idea. He had never been confused about Leo until jail, when he sometimes pretended Diego was Leo. What the hell, Diego pretended too, calling him Miguel half the time. Not that Willie minded; Diego had been a pretty decent arrangement. He frowned, rinsing shampoo out of his hair, remembering the night Diego scored the booze. Horrible rum-type stuff, really cheap. But they had drunk it, quietly, a private party for the two of them. They had started joking, sarcastically toasting each other’s beauty and prowess, stifling their laughter. Willie had been incautious, and toasted the incomparable but sadly absent sweetheart Miguel. He’d expected Diego to punch him, but Diego had just looked at him sadly and raised a mug to the cruel beauty of the absent Leo. Willie hadn’t realized until then that he’d been saying it out loud and Diego had laughed, not unkindly, at his shock. Willie thought that one of the people Diego had killed might have been Miguel, but had thought it safer never to ask about that.

Why was he even thinking about prison anyway? That wasn’t a very mellow thought. He tried closing his eyes to focus on the feel of the water, but drifted off to remembering Leo on Christmas night. Leo had been so nice to him. When he’d kissed him and said they weren’t in prison... Willie’s eyes snapped open. He in fact was no longer in prison. Leo hadn’t wanted him to act like he was still in prison. How should he act then? What if, because Leo was a friend, he didn’t act at all, and was honest and open, like a free man? In a way, this sounded like a very stupid idea, but at the same time it sounded like something Leo would say, so maybe Leo would like it. Willie found it frightening, as a plan. Very unpredictable. But possibly the right thing to do. He stepped out of the shower, went through the medicine cabinet, found the tranquilizers he’d been considering slipping into Leo’s wine, and flushed them down the toilet. OK, no drugging and taking advantage of Leo. He loved Leo and would try being open and honest with him. It felt good to be clear on something, at least. His hands were shaking as he started drying off. This freethinking thing was not easy. Now, hair: loose or tied back? Which was more freethinking? He was combing and pondering when he heard the buzzer. Shit. Leo was early. 

Willie opened the door wearing nothing but a towel. Leo was confused. He looked at his watch. He was only ten minutes early. He’d made good time on the subway, considering that he’d had enough time to do most of his homework on the train in the time it took to get this far into Brooklyn. “Am I too early?” 

“Hey, Leo! No, come on in. I’m just disorganized. I’m almost ready.” Leo was surprised by the apartment. It was spotless. The rugs had been vacuumed into fan patterns. Something in the kitchen smelled wonderful. Willie took his coat and hung it in the closet and ushered him over to the couch. “Here, sit down. Watch TV if you want. I just have to get dressed and take care of some stuff in the kitchen.” Willie sidled out of the room. He seemed nervous to Leo, but then this whole thing was so odd that he wasn’t sure what was normal anymore. He sat down. Willie came back, still in his towel, and put a cold beer and some olives on the coffee table in front of Leo, then handed him the television remote. “That button, then that one to turn it on. Be with you in ten minutes.” He dashed away again. 

Willie had already laid out his clothes before getting in the shower. Justin had taken him shopping after work and guaranteed this outfit was irresistible. Justin was the opera buyer. Willie blushed just remembering the conversation. When he’d stammered out his request for advice on clothing that other men find attractive, Justin had beamed and asked, “So does this have anything to do with that Irish sweater you’ve been wearing all week?” Justin had insisted on getting a sandwich first and a full account of the impending dinner guest in order to make accurate judgments about clothing. Willie had felt like an idiot, but Justin never laughed at him, and was actually reassuring. “Honey, if you’ve already blown him, and he’s coming to your house so you can cook him dinner, believe me, he wants you to blow him again, at the very least.” But Willie was not at all sure that Leo thought the way Justin assumed Leo would think. Leo wasn’t really like other guys. And Justin didn’t know the whole story. 

The clothes did look good though. Very soft very faded very tight jeans, and a pale green linen collarless shirt with muted embroidery. He tucked the shirt in. Pulled it out. Tucked it back in again. No point suffering through these pants if he was just going to cover them up. He left his feet bare and his hair down, but put on cologne. He added a gold necklace, but then that looked wrong so he took it off again. He wondered if he’d given the wrong impression to Justin by saying that Leo was in college studying medicine. It was basically true, but he still thought Justin didn’t really get the Leo-concept. He’d promised to phone him tomorrow to tell him how it worked out. He hoped he’d have something to tell. He could hear the TV commercials coming loudly from the other room and figured he should stop admiring himself. He hurried into the kitchen, put the paella which thank you god had come out OK into a serving bowl and put it on the table. He added the salads and opened the wine. On a wild impulse, he lit the candles again, saying a little prayer over each of them for love and happiness. The flowers caught his eye. He took them into the kitchen and threw them out except for one perfect iris, which he put in a tall glass by itself between the candles. He checked one last time. The table looked, actually, beautiful. “Leo! Dinner’s ready!” he yelled.

Leo was starving. He’d eaten all the olives. He clicked off the TV and headed in the direction of Willie’s shout. Leo rounded a corner to the dining nook and stopped short. It looked like a restaurant. A fancy restaurant. And Willie was dressed up somehow, even though he was wearing jeans. Really tight jeans. Suddenly Leo wondered if he’d misunderstood something. He’d changed his scrubs for jeans and a clean t-shirt but it hadn’t crossed his mind to dress up. He felt like maybe he should have a shirt and tie on. He paused. Shirt and tie. Candles. Tablecloth. Wine. A flower? Yes, that was a flower. If this had been a girl’s house, this would look like a date, the one where you go over for dinner and then have sex. He was still staring disbelievingly at the flower when he heard Willie clear his throat. “Sit, Leo, eat.” Willie’s voice was shaking. Leo looked over at him and saw him biting the edge of his thumb like he always did when he was nervous. Leo added the nervousness to the table setting and considered that he might be on a date at this very moment. 

He sat down. Willie sat down. Leo smelled cologne mixing in with the paella smell, which was not unpleasant. “Everything smells good, Willie. You look nice. I didn’t know we were dressing up.” Willie blushed. Yeah, more date-like by the minute. 

“Thanks. You look nice too. Do you want some wine?” 

“Sure.” Willie poured wine. Leo noticed Willie’s hands shaking. Leo realized he needed a moment to think. “Uh, Willie? Where’s the bathroom?” 

“First door on your left.” 

“OK, be right back.” He shut the bathroom door behind him and ran cold water in the basin. A date with Willie? Well, after the helluva blowjob, he couldn’t actually get too indignant at the thought, could he? But that had just sort of happened, kind of an emotional outburst or something, Leo had decided in the intervening days, while this was so, so purposeful. Leo remembered the elaborate preparations Willie used to make before big dates. He’d asked him once why he couldn’t just calm down and be himself, and Willie had said, “Because that doesn’t work.” 

Obviously, Willie had gone to a lot of trouble for this dinner. The vacuuming had to be a first, and this bathroom was noticeably gleaming as well. So if everything was so well done, why was he out there trembling and chewing the skin off his thumbs? He looked almost frightened. He couldn’t possibly think Leo was going to hurt him, so what—oh shit. Leo stared at himself in the bathroom mirror. Candles. Flowers. Soft gooey centers. Leo considered that Willie might be afraid of getting his feelings hurt. It sounded implausible. Willie was emotional, but not particularly sensitive. Leo thought again about the cologne. He thought about Christmas, how Willie had clung to Leo, and how when he’d come he’d whispered Leo’s name before he apologized. He thought some more about the kissing. He thought again about that friggin’ letter and everything it almost said. He found himself thinking about the awfully tight jeans Willie was wearing. Leo wondered how much jail had changed Willie. It would probably be good to treat this like a date, he decided. 

He emerged from the bathroom to find Willie gone from the table, where the candles had been blown out. He followed the smell of cigarette smoke to the kitchen where he found his possible date smoking and pacing. “Willie?” 

“Leo! Hi.”  
“Is everything OK?”  
“Yeah, I just wanted a cigarette.”  
“Well, bring the ashtray to the table. You can smoke in there. I don’t mind.” He did not mention that Willie had never before in their entire lives since junior high school seemed to notice whether or not Leo minded the smoke. They went back to the table. Leo used Willie’s lighter to relight the candles and watched Willie blush. They ate. The food was delicious, and Leo said so, and Willie smiled. By the time they started the second bottle of wine, Willie seemed relaxed and happy. He chatted about work, and told funny stories of annoying customers and some sarcastic work friend named Justin, and asked lots of questions about Leo’s school.

Eventually the food was gone and the wine was gone. Willie said, “So, do you want dessert? Coffee? More wine?” 

“I don’t know, Willie. How drunk do we want to get?”  
“As drunk as you want, Leo.”  
“Well, maybe the coffee now and dessert later? I’m kind of full. Unless it’s getting late for you.”

“No, it’s not late. Actually, I figured you might wanna just stay over since it’s so far back to your place. We could watch a movie or something.” “You want me to stay over?”

Willie hung his head and started biting his thumb again. He was now smoking with one hand and chewing on the other one. Leo decided it was time to establish some date parameters to spare everyone’s nerves. He reached over and rescued Willie’s hand from his mouth. 

“Willie?”  
“Yeah?”  
“Go make the coffee.”  
“OK. It’s actually made. I’ll get it.” He came back with two coffees and a bottle of sambuca.

“I thought we weren’t getting too drunk.”  
“Booze in coffee doesn’t count because they balance each other out.”  
“Hey Willie, are you plying me with alcohol?” Leo smiled when he said it, but Willie wouldn’t look at him.

“You don’t have to have anything you don’t want, Leo.” Leo noticed that Willie practically diluted his own coffee with sambuca, and that his hands were shaking again. Leo saw the word “date” in flashing red neon lights in his head. He watched Willie fiddle with his coffee and cigarettes and thought about dates. He thought about watching a video with Willie right now, which was obviously going to involve a long slow process of cuddling on the couch and possibly even a conversation about what this was all supposed to mean. Leo didn’t really want to think about that right now. It was definitely time to make a move. As if this whole dinner was not already a move.

Leo swilled down the rest of his coffee, put his cup down loudly, and smacked his lips. Willie jumped, and Leo suppressed a smile. “Y’know, ever since you opened the door half- naked, I’ve been thinking about the other night. Do you think we could get to that part of the evening soon?” 

Willie caught his breath and swallowed hard. “Sure, Leo. Whenever you want.”  
“Now would be good.”  
Willie put out his cigarette, blew out the candles, and led him into the bedroom, where he lit a couple more candles and turned the sheets down. Then he stripped and flopped down on the bed backwards, smiling up at Leo, who was a little surprised at how quickly now had happened. He struggled out of his clothes and crawled in beside Willie, climbed half on top of him and kissed him deeply. Willie kissed him back, squirming beneath him and playing with his hair, all previous signs of nerves vanished. Leo loved kissing Willie. Willie was a good kisser. Who knew? He’d been half-amused before by all the date foolishness but nothing felt funny now. To his surprise he felt happy and kind of turned on. After what seemed like a long time, they broke away from the kiss and held each other.

“Willie?”

“Yeah?” 

“What now?” Willie started licking his way down Leo’s chest, detouring over to his nipples, and then slowly heading south to where Leo was already hard in anticipation. He reversed position as he moved down, so his legs were perpendicular to Leo’s waist and his feet hung off the side of the bed. He started administering another of his excellent blowjobs. Leo stroked Willie’s shoulder and arm fondly. He decided he liked this new side of Willie. 

He was surprised when, after a few minutes, Willie removed his mouth and reversed position again. He climbed half on top of Leo, resting his chin on his arm atop Leo’s chest and looking down at him. He rubbed his thigh against Leo’s erection a little maddeningly, and rubbed his own against Leo’s hip. “Leo,” he crooned. 

“Uh, hi.” 

Willie giggled. “Hi. I’m so glad you could come to dinner.” Willie ran a finger gently down Leo’s cheek and traced his lips. 

Leo didn’t know what to do. He put an arm around Willie and rubbed his back while he tried to think. He was certain he could feel every individual hair on Willie’s thigh tickling his throbbing dick as Willie squirmed gently against his hip. He must have stopped the blowjob for a reason. It seemed rude to order him back to it. Leo hoped this whole thing was not going to turn out to be some kind of twisted Willie revenge plot with incriminating photos or something. Not that Willie looked vengeful. He just looked happy and horny. He was still smiling at Leo. Leo gritted his teeth and waited. 

“Willie?”  
“Yeah, baby?”  
Leo had no idea what to say. His right arm was holding Willie. He reached down with his left hand and started stroking himself. Willie grabbed Leo’s arm and pulled it back up, pushing it over his head. Willie kissed Leo passionately, claiming his mouth and resting more of his weight on Leo’s chest. Leo was starting to feel overwhelmed by the smaller man. He tried to pull his mouth away but Willie just twisted to follow him. Leo felt a flare of irritation and decided he’d been passive enough. He braced a leg against the mattress and flipped them over so that Willie was beneath him and Leo was glaring down at him. Willie just laughed delightedly and clasped his hands behind Leo’s neck.

“You about ready to fuck me now, Leo?” Willie whispered. He squirmed suggestively beneath Leo, making them both catch their breath. Willie was still smiling. 

Suddenly Leo thought about what they must look like. He rolled off of Willie and sat up. Willie was sitting at his side instantly, rubbing his back, the laughter gone from his voice. “Leo? What is it?” 

Leo couldn’t find his voice or think of anything to say. He didn’t know what to do. “I don’t know what to do.” He was horrified to hear how upset he sounded. 

Willie put an arm around his shoulders comfortingly. “It’s OK, Leo. Everything’s OK.” “What do you want?” Leo demanded.  
“I want to have sex with you.”  
“I thought that’s what we were doing before.” 

“Well, yeah, we were just getting to a good part, I thought.” “What?”  
“Well, the part where you fuck me.”  
Leo looked at him in alarm. “Literally?” 

“Well, yeah, Leo.” Willie sounded a little surprised. 

Leo was having trouble believing this conversation was real. But they were definitely really naked and he was really horny. He felt the need for absolute clarity. “You want me to— you want to – you want to take it up the ass, Willie?” 

Even in the dim candlelight, Willie’s sudden blush was dramatic. He bit his lip and swallowed. Leo suddenly wished he’d found a better way to say that. Willie whispered, “Yeah. I mean, yes, Leo, that’s what I want. I want you to fuck my ass. Please.” 

Leo put an arm around him. Willie was shivering, though it wasn’t cold. Leo realized this was the gooey center thing he’d been thinking about earlier. “Willie, I never did that. You might not like it. I might not like it. I feel very weird about it.” 

“Please, Leo.” Willie looked at him hopefully and kissed him again, circling his fingers around Leo’s nipple. 

Leo pulled away. “It’s too weird, Willie. For me, I mean. I can’t. I’m sorry.” 

Willie took a deep breath. “OK, Leo. I understand.” Leo stood up but Willie grabbed his hand. “Hey, where ya goin’?” 

“Well, I—I’m sorry to disappoint you.” Leo was thinking he should end this disastrous encounter as quickly as possible. 

Willie tugged on his arm. “Leo, I said it’s OK. Lie down again and I’ll, um, I’ll finish that blowjob for you. C’mon.” 

Leo let himself be pulled back down on the bed. He leaned up against the headboard and Willie stretched out between his legs. He noticed Willie wasn’t smiling anymore but then he couldn’t see his face as he applied himself to his task. He really was good at this, Leo thought, blocking all speculation on how he’d gotten so good. He felt bad he had disappointed him. Just the idea of fucking Willie was too weird. He looked at Willie’s ass, shadowy in the candlelight between his shins. He tried to imagine fucking it. Maybe it wasn’t the worst thing in the world. But if they did that, wouldn’t it mean something about their friendship? He imagined Willie bent over and liking it. What did that say about Willie? Hell, what did it say about him that he was imagining it? Leo sighed miserably. 

Willie heard him and paused. He slid his mouth off Leo’s dick. “Is something wrong, Leo?” His mouth gleamed wetly. 

It occurred to Leo that this said something about their friendship too. He should never have stopped and thought about anything. Or he should have thought more before he got on the subway. Leo wondered how long it had taken Willie to make that dinner. He wondered if Willie liked the taste of him or was just tolerating it. He wondered how Willie really felt about his life now. Willie was looking at him guardedly. 

“Can you come up here a minute?” Willie moved up and knelt beside him. Leo pushed Willie’s too-long hair behind his ear. “I guess I could try a new thing that seems weird to me. I mean, if I can change my mind. And you still want me to, uh, fuck you. If that’s what you really want. I could try it.” 

Willie kissed him again. “It’ll be great. You’ll see. Oh, thank you, Leo.” 

Oh god, thought Leo, he’s thanking me to fuck his ass. He bit his tongue. At least the smile was back in his voice. Willie reached over to the nightstand and got a condom and some lube. He ripped open the condom and rolled it onto Leo, kissing him some more while he did so. He stroked some lube onto the condom and applied some more to himself. Then he piled up some pillows and flopped over them, ass up. Leo didn’t move. He only stared. Willie looked back at him over his shoulder. “C’mon, Leo, you’re gonna have to get a little closer to do this.” Leo moved to kneel behind him. He found the right spot and positioned himself. He closed his eyes. He couldn’t believe he was gonna do this. Then Willie pushed back against him and his body decided he was fine with it after all. He entered Willie as slowly as he could. It was so tight. He kept wondering if it hurt, but he heard Willie moaning excitedly and saying his name. He didn’t sound hurt. Leo held onto Willie’s hips and pushed. When he was all the way in, he could feel Willie’s balls brushing against his own. Weird, but so hot and tight. Willie was panting loudly. Leo started thrusting, slowly at first but with increasing urgency as his own excitement increased. Willie moved with him, calling his name and saying over and over “It’s really you.” Leo felt himself getting close and fucked harder, lost, vaguely aware that Willie was coming and jabbering in Spanish and then Leo’s own climax gripped him. He thought he was gonna fall through Willie, through the bed and the floor to the center of the earth. He did fall limply forward as his climax ebbed, Willie’s spine like a ridge beneath him, their skin slick with sweat. Willie took Leo’s hand, pulled it to his mouth, and gently kissed Leo’s fingertips. Leo could see his face and thought he looked weepy. He closed his eyes again. Then he shifted and pulled out of Willie, feeling him shiver beneath him. He rolled off of him and lay on his back, staring at the ceiling. Willie rolled off of the pillows and pressed up against Leo’s side. Leo put an arm around him, but neither of them said anything.

When he heard Willie snoring, Leo disentangled himself and grabbed his pants. He took a warm shower, pulled his pants on, and padded out to the kitchen where he helped himself to the flan and more coffee. He stood staring out the kitchen window, eating, cutting the creamy sweetness with the dark coffee, and thinking. Until tonight, he’d thought the Christmas thing was just some kind of neediness. They were lonely. They’d had some issues. They’d worked them out with sex. No harm done. 

If Willie wanted to add “fuckbuddy” to their friendship functions, that wasn’t a horrible idea. Leo wasn’t seeing anyone right now, he wasn’t narrow-minded, and he really did love Willie. But he hadn’t expected this intensity. Besides any emotional meaning, that had just felt incredible. God. And Willie had been so hot and so vocal. Whatever “it’s really you” was supposed to mean. And he’d cried. Leo hoped that hadn’t been painful crying. He turned around and leaned against the cold windowsill, eyeing the flower now wilting on the table. The romantic stuff was another weird thing. Leo put his empty dish and coffee cup in the sink and cleared the table, leaving the candles and the flower. He filled the sink with hot sudsy water and started washing the dishes. On Christmas, Willie hadn’t really seemed like himself; he’d seemed needy and vulnerable. Tonight though, at least at first, that had been the Willie he knew. Even the fancy dinner; Willie had always liked fancy. Only since when did the Willie he knew slur out “I love you I love you” while Leo fucked his ass? OK, so it was in Spanish, but even Leo spoke enough Spanish to follow that. 

He sat at the table and lit one of Willie’s cigarettes, took three drags, and stubbed it out. The goddamn flower; it seemed like the cause of all the confusion and Leo wanted to crush it, except it was really beautiful. He got up and snagged a pad and pencil off the countertop and sat down again. Sometimes sketching helped him think. He sketched the flower. He might not be smart but he knew what he knew. He recognized the signs. Willie was in love with him. Really in love. Which meant that if Leo rejected him, he would be devastated. Not that Leo really wanted to reject him. He didn’t feel rejecting, he just felt nervous and freaked out. Fuckbuddies was one thing, but a relationship, a love thing, with flowers, that could cause problems. He’d never thought of himself as gay, but that’s what it was if you were in love with a guy, right? He didn’t feel gay; he just liked how Willie made him feel. Willie made him feel handsome and sexy and cool and smart. It was like in school when Willie always let him cheat off his tests. Leo smiled. Willie is the cheat sheet to life, he thought. Shit, that almost sounded romantic. He didn’t really care what people thought anyway. He propped his sketch of the iris up against the vase. It had come out pretty good. He went back to bed. Willie mumbled something when he got in, and then curled up against his side. Leo thought Willie was like one of those underwater creatures that clings to things, or follows the light. He wondered whether he was a thing or a light. Maybe he was just an old tire that had sunk to the bottom. He felt rubbery anyway. He tucked Willie’s head under his chin and went to sleep.

 

  


**December 30**

  


Willie found the sketch the next afternoon when he finally woke up. He marveled at the clean dishes and tidy kitchen, and was bringing his coffee over to the television when he saw the notepad propped up. But why would there have to be a note? Leo was still here. He’d spent ten minutes watching him sleep before taking a shower. He approached the notepad cautiously, like it might bite. His face lit up when he saw what it said. There was a drawing of the flower, delicate and lightly shaded but taking up the whole page. Along the edge Leo had written, “Willie is a flower too” and his initials and the date. Oh god, he loved Leo so much. He had totally done the right thing with the dinner. He brought the notepad over to the coffee table so he could look at it while he watched TV. He was flipping through the stations – bad news, talking people, bad news, ah the cartoon channel! – when the phone rang. It was Justin.

“I thought you were going to call me. I’m living for your drama.” “I was gonna call you, Justin. My drama’s still happening.” “He’s still there?”  
“Yeah, he’s sleeping.” 

“And?” 

“I think it went well. We never got to the flan though.” Which would make an excellent breakfast, he thought, and headed for the fridge. 

“Because?”  
“Because he suggested sex before dessert.” He chuckled and opened the fridge door. “More fun, less fattening.”  
“You bet. Oh, he did get the flan. I’m looking at it. Justin, he got up in the night and 

washed the dishes.” He put the flan on the counter and looked for a dish. “A tidy boy.” 

“Yeah, but he’s really not. I think he was just being sweet. He drew me a flower.” He spooned some flan into a dish, considered this was a meal rather than a dessert, and added some more. 

“A flower?”  
“He said I’m a flower. He wrote that on the drawing.”  
“Bill, that’s so sweet.”  
“I know!”  
“Did he like the clothes?  
“He noticed I was dressed up and he said I looked nice. I don’t think he really knows from clothes, though.”

“So how do you feel?” 

“Happy. Is that stupid?”  
“Nope. Happy is good. I’m happy for you.”  
“Thanks. What about you? What are you up to?”  
“Don wants to go to a gallery or something. Do you guys wanna meet us in the city later?”

“Oh I don’t know, Justin. I don’t know what we’re gonna do. I’m wandering around in my robe drinking coffee. He’s not even awake yet. Plus he has school and stuff.”

“Well, I’ll bring my cell, call if you want to get together, with or without tidy flower boy.”

“Yeah. I dunno. If not, I’ll see you at work though, right?” 

“OK, good luck.”  
“Thanks, bye.”  
Four cartoons and a lot of flan later, Willie heard Leo head into the shower. He jumped up, started a fresh pot of coffee, and began chopping peppers. Soon after, Leo appeared in the kitchen, frowning adorably. “Hi, Leo.”

“Hi. Why’d you let me sleep so late? It’s almost three.”  
“I thought you must need it. Thanks for doing the dishes.”  
“What? Oh, it’s OK. I couldn’t sleep. What are you doing?”  
“Making you an omelet. There’s fresh coffee. Sit down and I’ll get you some.”  
“I can get it.”  
“Sit down. I love my flower picture.”  
Leo smiled. “Good.” He sat down while Willie brought him breakfast. “You’re not eating?”

“I had breakfast already.”  
“Oh.” Leo couldn’t think of anything else to say, so he ate his breakfast. Willie didn’t talk either; he just sat there watching Leo eat. The omelet was good, but it was weird to be having breakfast so late in the day. Willie wasn’t even dressed yet. Leo wondered if he was sick or something. He broke the silence, “You’re not dressed yet.”

“No. I’m lounging. I was watching TV.”  
“Oh. Are you OK?”  
“Yeah, I’m great. How are you?”  
“Good. I’m good. The omelet’s good. Thanks.” “You’re welcome, Leo.” 

The silence came back. Leo hated it. They’d been more comfortable with each other in bed, weird as that had been. “Do you wanna go watch more TV, Willie?” 

“OK.” 

They brought their coffee to the living room couch. Willie sat close to Leo but not touching him. He switched the cartoons back on. Now there was sound to cover the silence. The flower drawing was propped up on the coffee table. If he was a girl, thought Leo, I would thank him and go. Although not if he was a girl I’d known my whole life, then I’d hang out and bond. But if I suddenly had sex with a girl I’d known my whole life,that would be because we were rearranging our relationship. And he’s not a girl. He realized he was trying to decide if Willie was a one-night stand or a relationship. He thought he’d thought about that last night when he was sketching. It was that love thing. And probably the sobriety thing. No wonder Willie was quiet. 

Leo reached out and took Willie’s hand. Willie squeezed his hand and turned to look at him. “Hi,” said Leo. 

“Hi.” Willie smiled.  
“Listen, Will, about last night. Are you OK with it?”  
Willie nodded vigorously. “Are you?”  
“Yeah. Little confused, maybe.”  
“About what?” Willie looked very wary.  
“Why we’re doin’ it.”  
“Cuz we wanna?”  
“OK.” Leo considered that that actually was a pretty good reason. Maybe not the real reason, but a good reason. “Can I ask you something? About last night?” Willie nodded again. “What is this ‘really you’ stuff?”

“What?”  
“You kept saying that. Last night, during, I mean, in bed.”  
“Oh, I just babble. Sorry.”  
“Oh.” Leo sipped at his coffee. “What does it mean?”  
Willie shrugged. “Nothing.”  
“You said it on Christmas, too.”  
“Leo, it doesn’t mean anything bad. It just means I’m happy to be with you, is all.” “Then why won’t you tell me?”  
Willie let go of his hand and lit a cigarette. After a moment he said, “Because I just wanna be happy and think about now. I’m happy that you’re here. I’m happy about last night. I thought about what you said, that we’re not in prison, and I’m trying to think like a free person and just be happy.”

Leo was amazed. That’s the most Willie had said about prison. He knew he was right to ask about this. “And this is not a happy thing? It’s a prison thing?” 

“Yeah, but it’s not that big a deal.” 

“Well, OK, but if you’re saying it to me, doesn’t that connect me with something unhappy? Or do you say it to everyone?” 

“What everyone? There’s just you, Leo. I mean, that’s kinda the point.”  
“I don’t understand.”  
Willie looked away, and then flopped sideways on the couch and curled his feet up next to Leo. He smoked and watched the cartoons. Leo waited through the rest of the cartoon, a set of commercials, and the beginning of the next cartoon, but Willie didn’t say anything else. Leo went out into the kitchen and started washing the breakfast dishes. It was almost five and if Willie was just going to watch TV all night, he figured he should get home and be productive. He rinsed the omelet pan and put it in the dishrack. When he turned around to find a handtowel, he saw Willie sitting at the table watching him. He didn’t know how long he’d been sitting there; he hadn’t heard him over the running water. The cartoons jingled away from the next room.

“Hey,” said Leo, walking over to the table. “I don’t know where all the dishes go.” 

“I was with a guy in prison,” said Willie. Leo sat down. Willie stood up and crossed his arms across his chest. He leaned against the wall and stared at the floor, speaking softly. “Diego. It was a pretty good deal, because other people were afraid of him and they left me alone. But it was—it just wasn’t what I wanted. He wasn’t, I mean, I just did it whenever he wanted. But it was, it was like years, Leo. Of not wanting it. So sometimes, actually, a lot of the time, like, no offense, I would pretend it was you. So I could like it. But it wasn’t really. You, I mean. So when it was really you, I was excited. I didn’t know I said it out loud. I’m sorry.” He didn’t raise his eyes from the floor until Leo was standing in front of him. Then he looked searchingly into Leo’s face. Leo thought he looked scared. “Please don’t leave,” Willie whispered. 

Leo pulled him away from the wall and into his arms. He rocked back and forth a little until Willie relaxed and hugged him back. “OK, Will. OK. I’m not leaving. Don’t be sorry.” They stood like that for a long time. Just when it seemed to Leo that they’d hugged long enough, Willie started shaking in his arms. Leo realized he was crying and hugged him tighter and rubbed his back. 

“You’re not anything like him,” Willie whispered. “You’re totally different.” 

Leo thought about how fucked up this relationship was getting already, in its first week. How fucked up it had been to start with. “Willie?” 

“What?”  
“Go put your clothes on. Let’s go get drunk.” 

The Park Slope Irish bar was unpopular with the stroller-pushing yuppies, dank and filthy and smoke-filled as it was, which suited Leo and Willie just fine. They’d gotten there in time to get a jump on a buzz with happy hour, and had just kept drinking after happy hour ended. Willie had told a lot of jail stories, most of them funnier, in a dark way, than the Diego scenario. Then they had talked about the Knicks for awhile. They stopped talking to read the scores as they flashed by on the TV over the bar showing the eleven o’clock news. The sports scores were followed by shots of Times Square preparing for the traditional New Year’s celebration. “That’s tomorrow,” Willie observed. 

“I know.” Leo had really hoped this wouldn’t come up, though he’d known that was unlikely. 

“So what are you doing?” 

“I’m supposed to go to this party a guy at work’s havin’, and I meant to call Theresa and see if she was goin’, and if she wanted to go with me, but I sorta forgot to, and now it’s too late to call her for friggin’ New Year’s Eve.” 

“Who’s Theresa?”  
“Oh, she’s just this girl from work.” 

“Are you going out with her?”  
“No, I just know her from work.”  
“But you were gonna ask her out.”  
“I was gonna see if she wanted to go with me.”  
“Right. Go with you out on a date.” Willie sounded snippy.  
Leo sighed. “Not on a date, just so’s I’d know someone at the party which she was also invited to and is probably going to anyway.”

Freethinking, freethinking, Willie chanted in his head. Free people don’t belong to other people. They can go on dates. Don’t piss Leo off. He signaled the bartender for another drink. Leo indicated he’d have another as well. “I’ve never been in this bar before, Leo. Do you come here a lot?”

“No. I just remembered it from after some Brooklyn party with some people from school.” Leo fiddled with his glass, making rings on a cocktail napkin. “So what are you doing tomorrow night, Willie?” 

“My plans are unsettled.”  
“What, are they secret?”  
“No. They’re unsettled. Which means I don’t know yet.”  
“Well, why don’t you know?”  
Fuck freethinking. “I dunno, Leo. I think I’m like Theresa. I got invited to some work party but I was kinda hoping this guy I know was gonna ask me to go out and he hasn’t yet and it’s gettin’ kinda late in the day now.”

“What guy?”  
“You, Leo! You. OK?”  
Leo stared at his drink. “Well, you don’t have to yell at me.”  
Willie lit a cigarette. Fuck quitting for New Year’s. He was clearly going to drink and 

smoke by himself and cry about Leo to kick in the new year. “I’m sorry.” No, fuck it, he’d go to Justin’s party. He’s out of prison and someone’s having a party, now there’s some freethinking. He took a long drag on his cigarette and looked at Leo, whose dating skills had clearly not improved. “Leo, would you go to this party if this girl, this Theresa, wasn’t going to be there?” 

“I might, if I didn’t have other stuff to do. It’s all people from work.” “Are you very into her?”  
“I dunno. She’s nice, I guess.”  
“Is she pretty?” 

“She’s OK.”  
“Is she sexy?”  
“A little. She kissed me at the work Christmas party.”  
Willie considered that he hated Theresa, sight unseen, even though she was no doubt a very nice girl. He considered that he might himself be the least nice of any of Leo’s friends. He considered the whole freethinking concept, and the honest, and the personal. Maybe that should be his new year’s resolution: smoking, but freethinking and more honest. He swigged at his cosmopolitan and lit another cigarette. “Leo?”

Leo was resting his head on his hand and looking worried. Probably about Theresa. Or kissing at office functions. “Yeah?” 

“It’s gettin’ late. I’m gonna head home.”  
“Come back to my place.”  
“No, it’s way up in the Bronx and you have phone calls to make and a party to get ready for. Anyway, don’t you need to study?”

“Oh shit, yeah. But I left my books at your house. In my backpack.”  
“Oh. Well, you can get them later in the week. How much studying were you really gonna do on New Year’s anyway?”

“No, I need them. I’ll just come back to your place and then do all that other shit in the morning.” 

“You’re not gonna call her till tomorrow?” 

“The party’s in Manhattan. I’ll call her in the morning and assume she’s going and ask her if she wants to split a car service down there, like it’s a transportation issue.” 

“Smooth, Leo, very smooth.” 

“Shut up. Let’s go.” 

Back at Willie’s apartment, Leo felt relaxed after drinking, and much less worried. It felt great to be hanging out with Willie again, and Leo thought that from a certain perspective, the sex was just an added bonus. He needed to just stop worrying about things being fucked up and relax. They got back from the bar and Willie settled in front of the TV with a beer. Leo joined him, but really, how much TV could one person watch? He thought that might be another prison habit. And the cartoon channel. Who had thought that up? Who could watch cartoons 24- 7? These weren’t even old cartoons with characters he knew, but some kind of dark adult cartoons about regular people. Why not just make a regular show out of it? Leo finished his beer and sighed. 

“Willie, is there anything else on?”  
“I’m watching this.”  
“I’m bored of cartoons.”  
“So go to bed.” Willie wasn’t even looking away from the TV. “I’m not sleepy.” 

Willie looked at him. “Don’t you have to get up early to go back to your place and get ready for your date?” 

“Not that early.” Willie was looking at the TV again. “Hey, Willie.” “What?”  
“You could come to bed with me.” That got Willie to look at him. “I’m a little drunk, Leo.” 

“So am I.”  
“And I’m watching TV.”  
“I can see that.” Willie looked back at the TV, as if he’d explained something. “So that’s a no, then?”

Willie shifted on the couch and took another swallow of his beer. He kept his eyes on the TV. “How about later?”

“Whatever.” Leo stood up. “Good night.” He didn’t wait for an answer, but headed off to bed. He was still trying to feel sleepy when he heard the sudden silence of the TV turning off. A few minutes later, Willie drifted into the bedroom. He didn’t turn on the light. He crossed over to his side of the bed and put down something that clinked on the bureau. Leo watched him strip, silhouetted against the lighter gray of the windowshades. Willie reached for the clinking thing on the bureau and swigged from it; a bottle, Leo smelled bourbon. The dark shadow that was Willie held the bottle out over the bed.

“Ya want some, Leo?”  
“Uh, no thanks.”  
Willie took another long swallow from the bottle and then rested it carefully on the floor. He climbed into bed and turned to Leo. Leo thought he would say something, but instead he just ran one finger down Leo’s cheek, then all his fingers down Leo’s chest and belly until he reached the waistband of Leo’s underpants. “D’ja leave your socks on too?” Willie asked. Actually, Leo had, but before he could answer him or ask him anything Willie had disappeared under the covers and was taking his underpants off him. Then he went to work with his mouth and Leo forgot everything he’d been going to say. Willie was quiet but thorough, licking and nibbling all over Leo until he was panting and couldn’t stand it anymore. He said “stop,” not for the first time, and Willie stopped, crawling back up to the pillows. While he dealt with the condom and squeezed out some lube, Leo idly wondered how Willie knew which “stop” was serious and which ones weren’t. It was like Willie always understood him. He grabbed Willie’s waist and turned him over. Willie didn’t resist, and obligingly spread his legs wide for the lube, gripping one of Leo’s wrists tightly. He gasped once when Leo entered him, and then was quiet again. Leo loved the feeling of being inside him; it felt so good, like Willie really accepted him, like everything was peaceful between them now, and he could forget that horrible look on Willie’s face that night he’d sent Ray in with the gun, all sad and murderous at once. Shit, why was he even thinking about that stuff now? It was too quiet. Where was Willie? He shook his head in confusion, he was fucking Willie, he’s right here, moving underneath him. Willie wasn’t making what Leo privately thought of as “happy Willie noises”; he wasn’t making any noise at all. His face was buried in the crook of his arm, and his grip on Leo’s wrist was turning Leo’s fingers numb. Leo focused on fucking, thrusting harder to clear his mind. Willie seemed to freeze up and switched his grip on Leo’s wrist so that he was clasping his hand hard. Leo thought he heard a moan once but his own excitement was peaking and he wasn’t sure it wasn’t him and then he was coming and had come and it was a minute before he realized he wasn’t shaking, that Willie was shaking beneath him.

He rolled off of Willie and cuddled up beside him. “Willie?” No answer. “Will?” 

“Yeah?” His voice was muffled.  
“Will ya look at me?” There was a snuffling noise, and then Willie looked at him. In the shadowy bedroom, his eyes looked very large and very dark, and his lips seemed swollen as if he’d been biting them. Otherwise his face appeared expressionless. For a second, Leo thought of vampires. “Are you OK?”

“Yeah.” 

Leo moved to embrace him, but Willie suddenly pushed away from him, jumped up and hurried out of the bedroom. Leo heard the bathroom door slam, and then retching sounds. He got up and tried the bathroom door, but it was locked. He yelled through it. “Willie?” 

“Sorry, man, drank too much.”  
“Are you sick? Lemme in.”  
“I know how to puke, Leo. Go back to bed.”  
Leo went back to bed and stared at the ceiling, listening. More retching. He glanced around the room. His flower drawing had been tucked into the mirror frame. His little puking flower, he thought. God he hated listening to people puke, it made him wanna hurl too. He hoped that wouldn’t turn out to be a big setback in the medical field. He stretched his arms over his head and accidentally knocked something hard and flat off the windowsill over the bed. He picked it up. It was an old picture of himself in high school, standing in a doorway and grinning. He hadn’t noticed it before. He remembered that day, actually; he and Willie had been planning that big trip they’d never taken, the one where they were gonna drive across the country. Willie had stolen a camera so he could take pictures of the Grand Canyon, but he’d started by taking pictures of Leo, to make sure it worked OK, he’d said.

He wished Willie would get out of the bathroom so he could clean up, but he couldn’t help it if he was sick. At least the retching had stopped and been replaced by the sound of running water. Was he taking a shower? No, it sounded like just the sink. And the medicine cabinet door sliding. And pills rattling in a bottle. Once he got a better job and made enough money, Leo thought he might buy a house in New Jersey or something where you wouldn’t have to have such thin walls and couldn’t hear everything that happened in the bathroom. There was such a thing as too much intimacy. 

Finally, the bathroom door opened. Leo waited, prepared to be sympathetic, but he heard Willie walk to the living room. Then he heard Bugs Bunny. Leo got up, pulled his pants on, and headed for the living room. He stopped short in the hallway outside the door. Willie was huddled on the edge of the sofa, wrapped in his bathrobe, rocking slightly back and forth. Tears streamed down his face, though he also seemed to be watching the cartoons. Leo backed silently down the hallway and went back into the bedroom to think.

He thought about pretending not to notice, and just going to sleep, or even heading for home now. Two tearful scenes with Willie in one day was at least one too many. And he obviously didn’t want to talk about it. Of course, he hadn’t wanted to talk about that prison thing either, and Leo had made him. But it was good for him to talk about it, Leo thought. When Willie doesn’t talk about stuff he gets crazy ideas. Leo snapped the bedroom light on to look for the rest of his clothes and saw his used condom on the floor by the trash barrel. His aim must have been off when he’d tossed it there. He bent down and scooped it up, thinking he really oughta flush it anyway, less nasty, and saw the traces of blood. Not a lot, but definitely blood. He threw it in the trash and went to the kitchen, got two beers out of the fridge and then remembered the puking. He put the beers back and made tea instead, then brought the two mugs into the living room. He put one down in front of Willie and sat next to him on the couch, studiously keeping his eyes on the TV. 

Willie wiped his face on his sleeve and sipped the tea. “Thanks.”

“Whatcha watchin’?  
“Bugs.”  
“Is he your favorite?”  
“One of ‘em. I like the Coyote too.” Willie was trying to light a cigarette but his hands were shaking. Leo took the lighter and lit his cigarette for him. “Thanks, Leo,” he whispered. “Are you gonna tell me what’s going on?”

Willie was silent.  
“I’m right here, man,” Leo reminded him. 

“Freethinking is harder than I thought.” 

Leo rubbed Willie’s back and considered the situation. He hated metaphors in school, and he hated them more in upset conversations. What had set Willie off this time? He’d made clear that he liked the sex, even if he had been quiet this time, and anyway he’d been in this remote mood since they’d come back from the bar. Actually, since the conversation about New Year’s Eve. Leo had been dreading a conversation about New Year’s for days now, and had been pleasantly surprised that Willie hadn’t made a scene. He’d actually thought having sex would cheer Willie up and indicate that all was fine between them. Obviously he wasn’t cheered up. He hoped he hadn’t hurt him. “Willie, I don’t know what to say to you.” 

“It’s OK, you don’t have to say nothing. Can I ask you a favor though?” 

“Sure. What?”  
“Can I lie down while you rub my back?”  
“Sure. You wanna go back in the bedroom?” 

“No, I wanna stay out here. I’ll just lie down on the couch. Can you do that?”  
“Sure, sweetie.”  
Willie smiled fleetingly. He shrugged his arms out of his robe, lay down on the couch, and reached back to pull his robe down to his waist. “Thanks, Leo.”

Leo straddled him and started rubbing. “Listen, Will. I’m a little worried. I, um, saw some blood on the condom when I threw it away. Did I hurt you?” “I’m OK. Don’t worry.”

“Well, OK, good. But you know, I was really wrapped up in there and maybe, y’know, not paying attention but now I’m thinking you were awful quiet.” 

“This backrub feels good.” 

“Well, good.” Leo watched his rough hands move over Willie’s pale skin, massaging up and down between his rigid neck and the tight spot between his shoulder blades. Willie was visibly relaxing, and the silent weeping was slowing down. Leo branched out to rub circles on his shoulders. He could see a bruise on his own wrist, and small crescent scratches from Willie’s fingernails. He hadn’t felt that happen. He kept rubbing, making sure to get his sides along his ribs. Puking tensed you up. He especially worked on the small of his back, pulling the robe down a little more. He was rewarded by a little humming sigh that was almost a happy noise.

To his surprise, Willie started speaking, slowly but clearly. “It hurt, but not a real lot. It’s better now already. It’s not your fault. I just wasn’t relaxed enough.” 

He kept rubbing and kept his voice low. “I’m sorry, Willie. I didn’t know. Why didn’t you say something?” 

“I didn’t want to say no to you.”  
“Why not?”  
“Because I’m not nice.”  
Nice never had been high on Willie’s list of priorities, so why did he give a shit about nice now? “It’d be nice to let me know that kinda thing, so I don’t find out after and feel like an asshole.”

“You’re not an asshole. I just panicked.” “Why?”  
“That you wouldn’t wanna do it no more.” “What, if you said no?” 

“I guess.” 

“That’s me alright. So hard on ya. Never cut you any slack at all. One wrong move and you’re through. That’s me all over.” 

“I know, it’s stupid.”  
Leo kept rubbing. “What about you?”  
“What?”  
“You gonna cut me some slack?”  
“What?”  
“About Theresa?”  
“Thought it was just a date.” Willie would have sounded more stubborn if he wasn’t so relaxed by the backrub.

“Yeah, but I like her.”

“Think she’s gonna like you screwing some ex-con buddy on Friday nights? Think she’ll be fine with that, Leo?” 

“She don’t hafta know about it.”  
“So I’m a secret?”  
“You’re not. This is. C’mon, we’ve had secrets before.”  
“Am I your dirty little secret, Leo?”  
Leo stopped rubbing Willie’s back and stretched out full-length on top of him instead, pressing his lips to Willie’s ear. “You’re dirty alright, but I don’t know how little ya are, though.” He nibbled and licked a little. Willie smiled and scrunched up his neck. Leo grabbed his hand and interlaced their fingers. “Willie, you gotta do me two favors, man.”

“What?” 

“Next time you’re having a problem like that, say something, OK? Don’t be subtle. Just say it.” 

“OK. What else?” 

“Don’t hassle me about Theresa. Or girls in general. It’s not a competition, man; it’s two totally different things.” 

“That means you can’t hassle me either.” “Is there somebody?”  
“No, but if there was.”  
“A girl or a guy?” 

“Doesn’t matter; either one, you can’t hassle me either.” 

“Alright.” 

“Ha.”  
“What?”  
“Nothin’. It’s a deal. No hassles either side.”  
“Deal.”  
“We could shake on it if we weren’t already holding hands.” 

“Shut up.” Willie giggled. 

Leo smiled to hear it. “Willie?” “Yeah?”  
“Remember your letter?”  
“Yeah.”  
“Remember that part about me being happier without you?” 

“Yeah.”  
“You’re wrong.”  
Willie kissed his fingers. “I was right about me though.”

 

  


**December 31**

Willie was late for the party and not sure he was wearing the right clothes. He stood outside Justin’s Upper East Side apartment building, smoking and steeling himself to go upstairs and be social. He almost hadn’t come, but a rich people’s party seemed better than sitting home alone. He hoped the wine he’d brought was OK. The doorman was eyeing him suspiciously. Willie glared at him and spitefully dropped his cigarette stub on the all-weather carpeting leading up to the door. He ground it in with his heel and headed for the door. The doorman was suddenly in front of him. “Excuse me, sir. Do you have an appointment?” 

“I have an invitation.”  
“From whom, sir?”  
“Justin VanWhitten.”  
“One moment, sir. I’ll call up. What name shall I give?”  
“Bill.” Willie followed the doorman into the foyer and waited in front of another locked door. The doorman looked skeptical underneath his ridiculous hat while dialing a number into the house phone.

“Mr. VanWhitten, sir. There is a person here calling himself Bill and claiming he has an invitation.” The doorman looked surprised. “Very good, sir.” He pressed a button on his desk panel and the locked door buzzed. “Go on up. 4th floor.” 

“What apartment number?”  
“The 4th floor.”  
Willie got off the elevator and saw that there was only one apartment door. How could someone rent a whole floor? The door was ajar and there were party noises, talking, laughter, music. He knocked. When no one answered, he pushed the door open a bit and looked inside. God, it was a mob, all jammed into a living room that seemed to go on as long as a football field. One corner had a bar with a waiter standing behind it, and there was a buffet of chafing dishes and more standing waiters along one wall. A waitress was carrying a tray around with drinks and snacks on it. Caterers. You weren’t supposed to bring wine. There was jazz playing and Willie looked for the source, impressed by the resonance of the sound system, and saw live musicians, three of them, wearing ties, set up with all their equipment in the far corner.

Willie had never seen this much pomp outside of a wedding in a hall. Everyone was dressed up. He’d worn his red silky shirt and black pants, but people here had jackets and ties. He touched his hair nervously. He regretted slicking it back now, but he’d thought slick went better with silk. Or silky polyester, anyway. No one here looked slick, just rich. Justin couldn’t be making this much money at the store. He wondered what Justin’s boyfriend Don did. Anyway, he couldn’t stay here looking like this. He was turning to go when the door opened wider and Justin was standing there, holding a drink and smiling. “Bill! You made it! Come in! Happy New Year!”

“Justin, hi.”  
“Come on in and have a drink.”  
Willie stood there, shifting his feet. The doorman would laugh at him on his way out, he knew it. “Justin, can you come out here for a second?”

Justin frowned and stepped into the hallway, pulling the door to after him. “What? Are you OK? Hey, are you by yourself? Where’s the handsome guy?”

“Oh, he, um, he couldn’t make it. Y’know, I didn’t understand about the party, Justin.” 

“Didn’t understand what, Bill? What’s wrong? What’s in the bag?”  
“Oh, wine. I brought wine.” He held it out.  
Justin smiled and took it. “Thank you, Bill. That’s very thoughtful. Why don’t you come inside?”

“I’m dressed wrong.” 

“Oh, don’t be ridiculous. Let me see.” Willie took his jacket off and held it by his side, letting it drag on the floor. Justin took in the disco shirt, the slicked-back hair, the gold chain, the embarrassment. “Bill, you are absolutely darling. If I might? Come here, where I can reach you.” Willie looked puzzled but stepped closer to him. Justin reached around Willie’s neck and undid his necklace, removed it, and handed it to him. “Put that in your pocket now; save it for Brooklyn. You smell very nice.” He buttoned Willie’s shirt up a little more, and flipped the collar down, smoothing it. “Do you have a comb?” Willie fumbled one out of his jacket. “Turn around.” Justin undid Willie’s pigtail and combed it evenly out over his neck and collar. “I don’t dare start on the top and sides; they’re like concrete. What have you put in it?” 

“Gel.” 

“Interesting. OK, stand back and let me look at you.” Willie stepped back. “Take your wallet out of your pocket and put it in your jacket. No one here will steal it and it’s spoiling the line of your pants.” 

“I didn’t know you had such a big apartment.”  
“I don’t, dear. Don does. I told you about my partner Don.”  
“What does he do?”  
“He doesn’t do anything. He’s just rich. Like his father before him. Oh, he sits on boards and committees and things and fundraises and whatnot. Technically, this party is to entertain some donors for a hospital renovation, but we’ve invited a bunch of friends too. Now smile at me.” Willie smiled and rolled his eyes. “Perfect. Keep the sarcasm under wraps, however. Mustn’t frighten the donors. Now come inside, we’ll hang your coat up and get you a drink and you can start enjoying yourself. You look lovely.”

“Thanks, Justin.” 

“Don’t be silly.” Justin kept up a steady stream of chatter as he led Willie first to a closet where he tucked his jacket in amongst some furs, then briefly to the kitchen through scurrying caterers where he put the wine, bag and all, into the large steel refrigerator, and then back out to the buffet, where he handed him a plate. “Get some munchies. Get a drink. When you’ve warmed up a bit, you might like to meet Don’s nephew Joey. I know he’s here somewhere, and I think he’s bored out of his mind. He’s about your age, maybe you’ll be company for each other amidst all these old folks.” 

“You’re not old, Justin.”  
Justin laughed. “You really are such a darling, Bill.”  
A loud voice boomed behind Willie. “Who are you calling darling?”  
“Don, you found me. I’ve been getting Bill here something to eat. He’s just arrived. You remember me talking about Bill, my friend from work?”

Willie turned around and looked up at a tall, wide, white-haired jovial man. Don shook his hand. “The clever one who spots all the shoplifters, of course I remember. It’s nice to meet you.” 

“Bill brought us some wine, Don. I’ve put it in the fridge for us to have later.” “Thank you, Bill. We’ll enjoy that.”  
“You’re welcome. It’s nice to meet you.” Willie was feeling a little overwhelmed by attention. Don seemed to carry a spotlight around with him.

“Don, have you seen Joey? I thought we might introduce them so they can talk about whatever young people talk about.”

“Joseph is not in my good graces, Justin. He doesn’t deserve to meet anyone. He’s being very antisocial. I think he’s hiding in one of the guestrooms watching TV. I’m sure Bill doesn’t want to deal with his childishness.”

“I love TV,” Willie offered.  
“Well, as you please,” Don said. “I’ve got to go mingle. It’s nice to meet you, Bill.” 

“You too, Don.” 

Don sailed back into the crowd, taking his spotlight with him. Justin squeezed Willie’s arm. “Come on. You’ll like Joey. He’s normal. Don’s always after him about something. Let’s bring him some snacks.” Justin loaded a plate with buffet items and steered Willie over to the bar. “Here, Bill, give me your plate; you carry the drinks. Ike, give us a bottle of, what do you like, Bill? Vodka? Wine?”

“Bourbon.” 

“A bottle of Jack and two glasses. Thank you. OK, Bill, to your right.” They crossed the gigantic living room, weaving between groups of people who kept greeting Justin, and exited into a long and somewhat quieter hallway. Justin stopped halfway down at a closed door, and kicked it. “Joey!” 

“What!” 

“Company!” The door handle turned and the door opened about an inch, and then the sound of footsteps retreating and a TV in the background. Justin pushed open the door with his foot and walked into the dimly lit room, laying his plates of goodies on a desktop. “Come on in, Bill.” Bill hesitantly followed him. “Joey, this is my friend Bill. Your uncle thinks you’re being very antisocial, but I’m going to tell him Bill was feeling a bit shy and overwhelmed so you’re kindly entertaining him. Bill, if he is the least bit rude to you, or if he’s too boring, come back to the party right away because I have a lot more people who’d like to meet you. And both of you come out there by 11:45 for the big countdown or Don will be furious.” 

Willie couldn’t think of anything to say. Sprawled on the bed in front of him was the most beautiful young man he’d ever seen. Joey was slight and slender with fair rosy skin beneath a cloud of messy black hair. He looked young; Willie judged maybe five years younger than himself. He had icy blue eyes, curiously cast upon Willie. Willie felt hypnotized. The boy reminded him of the boys from the Japanese cartoons, with his high cheekbones and narrow red slash of a mouth. Joey’s tie was undone and his shirt unbuttoned and untucked, showing a mat of curly black hair on his stomach. An empty wine bottle lay next to discarded dress shoes on the floor next to the bed. The TV blared in the background. Joey sat up and tilted his head backwards, shaking out his hair. Willie stared at the lines of his neck and adam’s apple and felt himself get hard. He looked around for Justin, but Justin had disappeared. 

Joey tilted his head forward and looked at Willie seriously. “Is all that booze for you, Billy? Or can I have some?”

“Oh, uh, sorry. Yeah.” Willie walked over and handed him a glass, then poured some bourbon into it. He poured one for himself too, and stood there awkwardly. 

“Well, sit down Mr. Bill. How do you know Justin?” 

Willie sat down on the edge of the bed. “Uh, from work. We work together. At the music store.” 

“Oh, are you also an opera person?” 

“No. I just work there.”  
“Good, I’ve been watching music videos. How do you feel about rap?”  
“Some of it’s good.”  
“I think it’s homophobic.”  
Willie didn’t know what to say to that, so he just nodded. “Are you hungry? Justin made up plates.”

“No. I don’t want to eat. I want to be very drunk. Happy New Year. Are you gay?” 

“Happy New Year. Have some more bourbon. Do you get the cartoon channel?”

  
Joey laughed. “I think yes. Let’s look. Here, be the man and have the clicker.” Holding the clicker, he reached over and slid his hand across Willie’s thigh and into his lap, smiling up at him. Willie felt his stomach lurch with desire, and put his hands on top of Joey’s. Joey brushed the backs of his fingers against Willie’s erection, rubbing through the fabric of his pants. “Billy! You’re blushing! Oh, I just love Justin sometimes.” Willie closed his eyes. He felt very drunk even though he hadn’t had that much. The rubbing stopped and he felt the clicker being placed in his hands and his fingers being wrapped around it. He opened his eyes. Joey was looking at him. “Hey, Bill, hey, man. I don’t mean to freak you out. Well,” he giggled, “not in a bad way, anyway. Come on, relax, come sit up here beside me. There’s tons of pillows. We’ve got almost an hour before the command performance. If you wanna stay and hang out.”

Willie stood up and looked at him, then crossed back to the door and locked it. He slipped out of his shoes before climbing into the bed and half-reclining against the pillows beside Joey. Joey grinned and picked Willie’s arm up, placing it around his own shoulders. He started stroking Willie’s hard-on again through his pants, looking up at him with those icy blue eyes. Willie ran his fingers over that marvelous hair, which was even softer than it looked. Joey smiled and touched the scar over Willie’s mouth. Willie captured the finger with his mouth, but Joey pulled it back and traced Willie’s eyebrows. Willie grabbed his hand and put it back on his dick. Joey looked very serious, and Willie thought he’d never seen anyone so beautiful. He kissed Joey, gently, and Joey kissed him back, then slid his mouth down onto Willie’s neck. Willie could feel Joey undoing his pants while he sucked on Willie’s collarbone. He reached his hands under Joey’s untucked shirt and rubbed his thumbs across his nipples. Joey drew in his breath sharply and sat up to unbutton Willie’s shirt the rest of the way and get his pants undone. Willie’s erection sprang forth and Joey grinned and stroked it some more. Willie shivered and watched while Joey moved down beside his leg and took him into his mouth. Soft, wet, beautiful. He tried to speak, then cleared his throat and tried again. “Stop. Joe. Wait a minute.” He reached down and tugged gently on Joey’s perfectly shaped ear. 

“What?” Joey whispered.  
“Turn around, so I can reach you too.”  
“Oh my god, and you’re a gentleman.” Joey grinned and complied, reversing position and waiting while Willie reached under his untucked shirttails and freed his perfectly erect cock from his wrinkled dress pants. The scent of horny young man was driving him crazy. He deepthroated Joey and grunted in satisfaction when he heard an uncertain moan. Then he felt Joey’s mouth surrounding him again, and moaned himself. The vibration of his throat made Joey shiver and thrust into his mouth while his own mouth moved further down Willie’s dick. He stopped thinking coherently, noticing things in flashes. When he felt warm hands pressing on his writhing hips, he slid two fingers in beside the cock in his mouth, wet them, and reached around to press them into Joey. Joey gasped around his cock. He sucked harder and rubbed his fingers against the boy’s prostate, and within a few moments he felt cool air on his cock as Joey reached up between them and pressed back on Willie’s chest. Willie released him. Joey cried out as he came, and Willie felt warm semen hit his neck. He waited. After a minute, Joey pushed Willie’s hip back so he was lying flat on his back, and started sucking on him again. Willie raised himself up onto his elbows so he could see, transfixed by the beautiful boy moving up and down on him, skin flushed and gleaming. Joey released his aching erection and moved his mouth sideways along its underside, sucking and licking, his pale blue eyes looking right up at Willie, watching him watch. Willie groaned and flew over the edge into his orgasm, collapsing backwards and closing his eyes. He could feel soft hair against his thigh where Joey rested. He felt his hand being taken and held, and then they didn’t move for a long time. The sounds of the party seemed very far away.

Eventually, his hand was released and he felt Joey get off the bed, heard him in the adjoining bathroom running water. Then a warm damp cloth was wiping his neck and his face and his chest and stomach and penis and hands and arms. He opened his eyes. Joey was smiling at him. He smiled back. Joey pointed at the alarm clock. It said 12:07. “Happy New Year, Billy.” 

“Oh god, we missed the party.”  
“We missed kissing with the others.”  
They laughed. Willie sat up. “Where’s that food?”  
Joey walked over to the desk, unlocking the door on the way, and brought back the plates of appetizers. He brought Willie a glass from the bathroom. “Here, have some water before you go back to dehydrating booze.” Willie drank the water, staring at Joey over the rim of the glass. Then he put the water glass on the floor and picked up the bourbon glasses, handing one to Joey.

“To you,” said Willie. “To your health. To the happiest of new years. You are the best-looking man in the world.” 

Joey laughed and drank. “You’re so intense, Bill.” 

“Will.”  
“Huh?”  
“Call me Will. Bill is my work name.” 

“Oooh, Will, a moral quality. Shall I be Temptation?” 

“What?”  
“Never mind. Stupid joke.”  
”I don’t get it.” 

“Never mind.”  
“Do you have a boyfriend?”  
Joey laughed again. “I’m unboyfriendable, I’m afraid. I’m a cheating lying little whore.”

Willie grinned. “I love that about you.”  
Joey giggled. “Do you have a boyfriend?”  
“Sort of. He loves me but he’s on a date with his girlfriend.” They looked at each other and then howled with laughter. They laughed till they were gasping for breath, then looked at each other and started again. When the hysteria died down a bit, Willie started to make another drink, then said “Fuck it” and drank out of the bottle. He held it out to Joey, who followed suit. Willie picked up a stuffed mushroom from one of the plates and held it in front of Joey’s mouth, raising his eyebrows. Joey opened his mouth and let Willie feed him, licking his fingers when the food was gone. Then he fed Willie some melon wrapped in prosciutto. They sat close together in their shirts and socks, snuggling, feeding each other, watching TV, and passing the bottle back and forth.

The Travel Channel was showing great world palaces, and Joey pointed at a tapestried royal bedroom. “We should fuck there.”

Willie laughed and pointed at a bench in front of an elaborate garden fountain, “There, too.” 

Joey laid his head on Willie’s chest. “Will, how many countries are there in the world?” 

Willie stroked his back. “I don’t know. A lot.”  
“We should fly around and fuck in all of them and then declare world peace.”  
“OK. Then we declare you king of everything.” 

Joey chuckled. Willie loved feeling him chuckle against him. “Oh, but I am a hard cold king. And the people revolt. And you will be the people’s leader, and turn my own people against me, betraying our great love.” 

“Aw, Joe, don’t go making it sad. Here, have some more bourbon.” 

“I’m only kidding.”  
“I’ve betrayed a lot of people.”  
Joey looked up at him. “Really? Seriously? Why?” 

“Because I’m not nice.”  
“You’re very nice, Will.”  
“No, I’m not.”  
“Why not? What terrible things have you done?”  
“I killed a couple people. I just got out of jail last year. I grew up on welfare. I’m a fucking murdering lying bastard sack of shit, Joe. You are a beautiful prince.” His voice broke.

Joey sat up and looked at him. “Will, you’re really really drunk, aren’t you?”

“I’m drunk and I’m stupid and Leo goes to college and I don’t even know how many, how many fucking countries there are.”

Joey took the bourbon bottle away and put the cap on it. He reached over and used his fingers to wipe a few stray tears from Willie’s face. “You’re getting very maudlin, Will.”

“I don’t know what that means!”

“Shhh. Don’t yell. OK. You’re just sad cuz you’re drunk, is all.”  
“I’m not a model.” 

“Maudlin. Don’t worry. I’ll explain it more in the morning. It’s not important now. C’mon, put your pants on.” Willie stood up and swayed forward, catching himself on the edge of a bureau. Joey laughed. “Whoa, Will. Sit down. Where’d your pants go? OK, here, pick up your foot.” Joey put his pants on him and then put his arm around his shoulders. “Alright, Will. Ya with me?” 

“Yeah, Joe. I’m sorry.” 

“No harm done. Come on. We will search for coffee. And other nonalcoholic beverages. Here, lean against this wall while I put my pants on.” Willie leaned, concentrating on leaning. “OK, we’re decent. Sort of. Probably most people have left by now. Let’s go.” Joey led him down the long hallway, grabbing him when he staggered. In the brightly lit kitchen, he dumped Willie onto a chair at the table. There was a coffeemaker still on from the party, and Joey drew two cups from it and put them on the table. He jumped when the kitchen door opened. 

It was Justin. “What have you done to him?” He pointed at Willie, who seemed to have passed out on the table, his head cushioned on his arms. 

“Justin! How was the party?”  
“I’m serious, Joey. Is he OK?”  
“Yeah, he’s just drunk and maudlin.”  
“I’ve always thought he had a lot of deep inner sadness.”  
“Hey, maybe you’re drunk and maudlin too.”  
“Maybe. Are you sure he’s OK?”  
“Yeah. He was fine, we were laughing and shit, and then he got weepy and started talking about jail and killing people and betrayal and how he’s stupid. So I’m making him some coffee. Maybe he’ll wake up enough to drink it.”

“Oh, right, Joey. Coffee will fix everything.” 

“Don’t get superior, Justin. I can’t fix the problem of betrayal in the world and the plight of the uneducated. I don’t know what to think about the jail and murder part. But coffee, I can handle coffee.” 

“Joey, I know how he seems, but he’s a very sweet man, really. Be nice to him.” 

“I’m being nice, Justin. I saw the sweetness. I felt the sweetness. I was all over the sweetness.” Joey leered. 

“Ah yes. I looked in on you, you know, to see if you wanted champagne to toast with. But you were so intent on feeding each other canapés like little baby birds that I decided not to disturb you.” Joey giggled. They heard a groan from the table. 

Willie was looking at them blearily. “Justin?” 

Justin took a step towards him but stopped when Joey dashed past him, grabbed Willie’s arm, and dragged him over to the sink. Willie promptly threw up into it. Joey stroked his back. “Good, Will, good. Now you’ll feel a lot better.” He wiped Will’s face with some paper towel and gave him a glass of water. “Rinse and spit. Good. Now drink the rest, slowly. Go sit down.” 

“But—“ 

“I got it. Go sit down. Talk to Justin.” Will went and sat down. Joey rinsed out the sink. Justin brought Will a weak cup of tea. 

“I’m sorry, Justin.” 

“Gracious, you made it to the sink. Many a guest has not. Forget the coffee. Have some tea, but sip it slowly, it’s hot.” 

“I missed midnight.” 

“Well, midnight happened in the guest room too. As long as you were having a good time.” 

“Is your boyfriend mad? Don? Is he mad?” There was a snicker from the sink.  
“No, Bill. No one’s mad. Everything’s fine.”  
“I said Joe could call me Will. Will is my real name, Justin. You can call me Will too.” 

“Well, thank you, Will.”  
“Joe is the most beautiful man in the world.”  
“I thought you might like him. We’re very fond of him as well.”  
“I really like him. As well. We’re gonna fuck for peace. As well. Also. Tambien.” Justin looked at Joey, who had come to stand behind Willie and was rubbing his shoulders.

Joey shrugged and mouthed “drunk.”

Willie was rubbing his eyes. “Tambien. Espanol. I’m drunk.” He yawned widely and then took a sip of his tea. “Justin, how much do you think a cab costs from here to Brooklyn?”

“Don’t be silly, Will. You’re staying the night here. We can have brunch tomorrow and visit more. I hardly got to see you.”

“Are ya sure?”

“Yes. I insist.”  
“I could leave very early and you wouldn’t have to see me.”  
“But I want to see you. You must sleep in so you will feel refreshed and happy for the new year. We’re all going to sleep late.”

Willie smiled. “OK. Thanks. Do you have a couch?”  
“Oh, we have a whole guest room. I’ll show you.”  
Joey picked up Willie’s hand. “Oh no, stay in my room.”  
Willie kissed his hand, “Beautiful little Joe. I’m too drunk to make love to you again tonight. I am old and weak and bitter.” Joe and Justin laughed.

Joey kissed his neck, “You are drunk and melodramatic. You come sleep next to me so I can admire you.” Willie smiled and the other men laughed again. He looked at them and after a moment, he laughed too.

 

  


**January 1**

 

Very early the next morning, Willie carried his shoes into the quiet hallway. He couldn’t believe how good he felt: no headache, no hangover. He’d slept so well, maybe because this part of town was quiet. No siren noises. No one yelling in the streets. He expected the windows were soundproofed. Probably alarmed too, he thought. Joey had looked even younger asleep and drooling all over his shoulder. Willie wanted to get out of there before brunch and sober discussion ruined the perfect simplicity of the evening. He still couldn’t believe how easy and sweet everything had been with Joey. God, if only things with Leo could be easy and sweet.

He crept down the silent hallway to the kitchen where he remembered seeing some Coca-Cola on the table. That would do in lieu of coffee till he could find his jacket and get outside. He pushed the kitchen door open and stopped. Justin was sitting there in a bathrobe and slippers, drinking coffee. He started to shut the door quietly but Justin looked up. “Well, good morning. And happy new year. Come have some coffee, Bill. Or is it Will?” 

“Hi. Happy New Year. ”  
“Coffee’s on the counter. Cups in the cabinet above it. Help yourself.”  
“I thought you were sleeping in.”  
“I woke up. I thought you were staying for brunch.”  
“I can’t.”  
“Ah. Well, have coffee with me anyway. We really didn’t get to visit.” Willie got some coffee and sat down. He fidgeted and tapped his fingers against the rim of his cup. Justin looked at him kindly for a moment, and then got up and brought back his jacket from the closet. He went to another cabinet, retrieved an ashtray, and placed it on the table. “There. Smoke. Who’s to know? In fact, give me one.” Willie got his cigarettes out of his jacket and put them on the table. They smoked and drank their coffee.

“Thanks for inviting me to the party, Justin. I had a nice time.”  
“Did you?” Justin looked very arch.  
“Oh, c’mon, Justin. I’m sorry I threw up.”  
“You’re a rather pleasant drunk. Somewhat emotional, a little chatty, but not mean or ugly.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry I went on like that, I was just feeling, I dunno, relaxed.”  
“Well, Joey can be rather disarming.” Willie stared at him. “Oh, don’t look at me like that, Bill. I don’t do anything like that with Joey. He’s Don’s nephew, for chrissake. But we do talk. Shall I tell him I saw you this morning or let him think you snuck out undetected?”

“Tell him I said, um, thanks and bye. Or maybe don’t tell him you saw me. Whichever seems nicer.” 

“Nicer would be staying for brunch and telling him yourself.” 

“I can’t.”  
“Why? Do you think your boyfriend’s back from his date yet?” 

“That’s not why.” 

“Why then? Why hurt Joey’s feelings?”  
“I don’t want to. He’s so nice.”  
“But?”  
“But if I talk to him, I’ll just stay longer. And like him more. And it will be harder to leave then.”

“This is about your boyfriend, isn’t it?”  
“Joey’s so different.”  
“Different?”  
“Oh, you don’t want to hear all this. Did you enjoy the party?”  
“The party was full of rich hospital donors as old as the hills washing down their Geritol with champagne. Don was drunk and useless and snored so loud I woke up and made coffee. Please, distract me with your problems.”

“I don’t have problems.”  
“Why is Joey different?”  
Willie sighed. “He’s funny and sweet and fun. I could laugh with him and say stuff without having to think about it first.”

“Your boyfriend’s not like that?”

“He’s a really good person.”  
“But not fun? Not sweet to you? You have to watch what you say?” 

“Sometimes he’s sweet. Mostly he’s more, like, caring. Concerned. He’s very concerned. Everything’s very heavy with Leo.”

“You deserve someone who makes you happy.”  
Willie snorted. “I barely deserve Leo.”  
“Why? What’s so awful about you?”  
Willie smiled. “If I started on that, I’d be here way past brunch. Anyway, Leo’s not awful, he’s just heavy. I have to go, Justin. Thanks for the coffee. And everything. Really. Happy New Year. Hug Joey for me. I’ll see you at work.”

What was so awful about him? Willie thought about it while he walked to the subway. Let’s see, so far just this year he’d ducked out on a lover and on a friendly conversation. I am Willie the Weasel, he thought. He decided cheating on Leo didn’t count due to the no-hassle deal. It hadn’t really felt like cheating anyway. It had felt like a little vacation from the uphill battle of getting Leo to love him. Not that Leo didn’t love him. But it didn’t feel perfect. Willie wondered if it ever would. Maybe he was attempting the impossible. He had thought things were perfect after the after-dinner sex, but obviously Leo hadn’t or he wouldn’t be asking out that woman. He didn’t even like to think about the cartoon-interrupting sex. 

When he saw Central Park in front of him, he realized he’d been so lost in his thoughts that he’d walked right past the subway station. There was a pushcart selling coffee and bagels. He bought breakfast and wandered into the park until he found a bench in the sun. It was warm for January. The trees were pretty. The sun was cheerful. Squirrels scampered around and made raiding dashes towards his feet, grabbing bagel crumbs. Erica had always giggled at the squirrels. Willie smiled, remembering her voice when she laughed. One of the squirrels chattered at him. He felt his face smiling and realized he was remembering Erica and still smiling. That hardly ever happened. One little red squirrel jumped onto his bench a few feet away from him, eyeing his bagel. Willie broke off a piece and held it out, holding his hand still. The squirrel stared at him then snatched the crust and jammed it into its cheek, swelling its face out like a balloon. It jumped off the bench and retreated a safe distance away to eat its prize. Willie laughed. 

He was still laughing when his cellphone rang. It was Leo. “Happy New Year, Leo. You’re up early.” 

“What are you laughing at?”  
“A squirrel. He’s really funny.”  
“They’re just rats with better tails, Willie.”  
“Aren’t we all?”  
“What?”  
“Nothing. What’s up?”  
“Nothing. I just called to say Happy New Year.”  
“Oh, thanks. Happy New Year.”  
“Yeah. You too.” There was a silence. Willie rolled his eyes and sipped his coffee. He could hear Leo breathing. “What are you doing?”

“Right now?”

“Yeah.”  
“I’m having breakfast with the squirrels.”  
“Who are the Squirrels?”  
“Leo.”  
“What?”  
“I’m in Central Park. I’m sitting on a bench. I’m eating a bagel and giving crumbs to the squirrels. It’s pretty here.”

“By yourself?”  
“Yes. What are you doing?”  
“Nothing. I just woke up.”  
“Well, you’re up early.” Willie did not ask if he was by himself. He silently congratulated himself on his restraint.

“So, listen, Willie, do you wanna get together later? Maybe have dinner?”  
“Sure, Leo, that would be nice. Where?”  
“Do you wanna come to my place?”  
“Tonight? OK.”  
“OK, good. Listen, I gotta go. I’ll see you tonight.” Willie could hear a woman’s voice in the background saying Leo’s name. He hoped she’d heard the dinner invitation and that Leo was having to explain it now.

“OK, Leo, bye.” 

He hung up the phone, but it beeped at him to tell him he had voicemail waiting. There was one message, timestamped at quarter past midnight, from Leo. “Happy New Year, Willie! You’re not picking up your phone. Maybe you’re someplace noisy and can’t hear it ringing. Talk to you soon. Bye.” That was sweet that he’d called right after midnight. Probably right after kissing Theresa at the big countdown. Willie stood up and headed back to the subway. 

Crossing Fifth Avenue, he had an idea. He knew it was one of those ideas he shouldn’t tell anyone, but it seemed good to him. Who would ever know? He stopped at a deli that was just opening up and bought a small jar of peanut butter, some crackers, a beer, a plastic knife, and several cheap bouquets of flowers. Then he got on the subway. An hour later he was at Woodlawn Cemetery in Queens. This early on a holiday, it was as peaceful as the park had been. 

Erica’s grave was pristine. He wondered if her family, or maybe Leo, were visiting often, or if they paid extra to have it kept up. He lay down in front of her headstone and stared at the sky. He was grateful again that she’d looked surprised as she’d fallen, and not accusing. She knew it was an accident. Erica was one of the terrible silences between him and Leo, one of the things that kept it from being easy and sweet, maybe the biggest thing. Maybe she had taken all their sweetness with her. Ahh, if he kept this up he’d start crying and not do his idea. 

He sat up and reached for the deli bag, spread some peanut butter on a cracker and started to munch it. He looked around. There was a pine tree at the top of a nearby rise. He stood up and trudged up the small hill, trying not to step on people’s graves too much, and walked around the tree, collecting pinecones. When he had eight good ones, he went back to Erica’s grave and sat down again. He heard chattering, looked up, and then grinned. They were already here. He used the knife to spread peanutbutter liberally into the crevices of the pinecones. He arranged them on the ground in a heart shape. He tucked one of the bouquets back in against the headstone out of the wind. He whispered to the headstone, kissed it, and retreated to a nearby bench, munching crackers. 

The chattering squirrels sniffed the air, circling the peanut-fragrant pinecones. One of them dashed in and pulled a pinecone out of its arrangement. It jammed its muzzle into the pinecone’s crevices, and then chattered excitedly. The other squirrels observed and then converged on the pinecones in a sort of squirrel feeding frenzy. Soon there were at least a dozen, though it was hard to count them as they moved so quickly in complicated patterns, scolding and squabbling. Willie ate his crackers and drank his beer and smiled. Erica would have loved it. 

Mrs. Handler’s grave was also pristine and there were fresh flowers. Leo must be coming out here, or maybe his aunt. Willie said a prayer and left a bouquet and headed further into the cemetery. His mother’s grave was near a maintenance shed. There was no gravestone, just a plaque in the ground. At first he couldn’t find it and felt irrational panic, but it was just that a sheet of newspaper had blown over it. He put the newspaper in the plastic deli bag, along with various cigarette butts and bits of broken glass. Dead grass was covering the edges of the plaque and he pulled it all up, getting cold graveyard dirt under his fingernails. He shined his mother’s name with the edge of his sleeve and sat beside her, smoking and remembering. OK, so I’m not president, but hey, Mama, I’m out of jail now, so that’s an improvement. She would have been glad; she would have had a party for him and cooked so much food. He thought of her cooking in heaven and then laughed at himself; probably in her heaven she got to sit down and rest a lot more. Probably the last thing she wanted was to cook. Her heaven was probably full of waiters bringing her things and rubbing her feet. She used to like him to rub her feet when she got home from work, when she was working. He shivered. The sun was starting to go down and it was getting cold. Mama would have yelled at him for sitting on the cold ground for so long.

He laid the last bouquet on his mother’s plaque and stood up. Leo never talked about his mother. Willie wished he would. That he could have understood. He had to get home and get ready for dinner with Leo anyway. Last night’s party clothes were damp and stained from lying around on graves. He headed back towards the exit nearest the subway, watching the graves get newer. There were still a few squirrels hanging out with Erica, and one crow which he chased away. Then he kept walking. 

He tried to avert his eyes as he had managed to on the way in, but it was like a magnet now, the yardmaster’s grave. What had ever made him locate it in the first place? Why had he wanted to know? Its pink granite glowed in the setting sun. Unwillingly, he trudged over to it. He had never had anything to say to this guy. He hadn’t wanted to kill him. It wasn’t personal. The wind had knocked over the markers explaining all the dead man’s military service, and there was an empty beer bottle leaning against a dead potted geranium. Obviously his family were not visiting. Willie frowned and righted the steel markers and plastic flag. He picked up the beer bottle and the dead potted plant and added them to the deli bag of trash. It was the least he could do. He was freezing and his hands were filthy. He had to get home and take a long hot shower. 

Leo was showered but still lounging around in his sweatsuit when Willie arrived. If they were just staying in to eat, there was no big dress code, but Willie looked nice in a black dress shirt and tight black jeans. Willie kissed him hello and Leo wondered when they had started kissing hello. They sat on the couch with some beer and toasted the new year and then fell silent again. Leo hated these weird silences. He remembered Willie used to be talkative. He forced himself to make conversation. 

“How was your party, Willie?”  
“It was great. How was yours?”  
“It was nice.”  
“That was nice of you to call and say happy new year. I’m sorry I didn’t hear the phone.”

“So you stayed over in the city?”  
“Yeah. I got really drunk, which was weird cuz I didn’t think I was drinking that much. I was a mess and threw up in the sink. So they said I should just stay over.”

“Are you real hungover?”

“No, that’s also weird, I feel great today.” 

Leo looked at him warily, wondering if Willie had gotten laid at this mysterious party and that was why he felt so good. Then he saw that Willie was looking at him just as warily. Another silence fell. God, why did I ever go out with Theresa at all, Leo wondered. It’s just made everything more complicated. He felt like an idiot. 

After awhile, Willie cleared his throat and made more conversation. “So, Leo, did you make any resolutions?” 

“Yeah.” He felt grateful that Willie had thought of something to say. 

“What?” 

“To work hard, y’know, and pass my exam, and to, like, not worry so much about stuff. Like, go with the flow more.” 

Willie grinned at him. “That sounds good, man. Go with the flow. Good. Don’t know if it fits in with working hard, but it’ll be interesting to watch.” 

“What’s yours, Will? Did you make one?” 

“To be more honest with people.”  
Leo gaped at him. “Honest?”  
“Yes.” 

“I don’t even know what to say to that.”  
“You could say something encouraging.”  
“I encourage you to be honest.”  
“Well, there, now you’re a good influence on me.”  
More silence. Leo wondered if it was too soon to start cooking. He should at least finish his beer first. “So who was at your party, Willie? People from work?”

“Not really. Mostly rich people. Justin’s boyfriend’s friends. I mostly hung out with this one guy who was the boyfriend’s nephew. He was really nice. Was your party all work people?”

“Yeah. All work people. Were all the people at your party gay?”

Willie raised his eyebrows at the question. “I don’t know. It’s not like I went around the room taking a poll. I guess some of them were. Justin and Don are. They’re, like, married, basically. They’ve been together for years. Were all the people at your party straight?”

“I dunno. I didn’t take a poll either.” 

“Yeah, but did you even ask yourself?” 

“Ask myself what?”  
“Nothing.” 

There was another little silence before Leo asked, “So you got drunk and passed out and stayed over?” 

“I didn’t pass out. I got drunk and threw up and went to sleep.”  
“Were you embarrassed?”  
“No. They were really sweet about it. And I was too drunk to be embarrassed. Hey, Leo, what does maudlin mean?”

“Maudlin?”

“Yeah.” 

“I think it means, like, crying in your beer and shit, all drunk and weepy and overemotional. Were you maudlin?” 

“I guess so. They said I was.”  
“What were you crying about?”  
“I wasn’t really crying, just getting upset.”  
“What about though?”  
“Myself, mostly. You a little. Prison. Not being honest.”  
“Why?”  
“Well, cuz those are upsetting things.”  
“No, I mean why were you thinking about me?”  
“Cuz you weren’t there. Do you know how many countries there are in the world?” 

“What kinda party was this? What, did you play trivia games or something?”  
“No, there was just a lot of stuff I didn’t know. I hate that.”  
“Well, you probably know a lot of stuff they don’t know, Willie, but it just didn’t come up.”

Willie smiled at him. “Do you wanna talk about your date?” 

Leo looked wary again. “We had a deal, Willie.”  
“I know. I’m not hassling. I’m being supportive.” 

“Yeah, for now.”  
“So there’ll be a later? So it went well?”  
“Yeah, I guess. I don’t think I really want to talk about it.”  
“OK. Is there anything good on TV?”  
“Oh please not cartoons, Willie. See if there’s a movie.”  
“I can’t wait for you to get that technician job so you can get premium cable.” Willie turned on the TV and started flipping through channels. He stopped on the cartoons. Leo took the clicker away and flipped through some more channels, stopping on an old black and white movie.

“Let’s see what this is.” He leaned back on the couch and stretched his legs out. Suddenly Willie put his beer down on the coffee table and lay down on his side, resting his head in Leo’s lap. Leo had no idea what had motivated that, but it was nice. He stroked Willie’s hair. Willie captured his other hand and held it. Leo wished they could just stay like that forever, in a good silence instead of a bad silence. They watched the end of the movie and an hour of the next one, which were both about cowboys. 

Leo was amazed at how relaxed Willie was. He wasn’t even smoking. He must have gotten laid at that party. On the other hand, he’d said he was stupid drunk at the party, and last time he’d had sex with Leo he’d thrown up. But then he’d said he hadn’t been relaxed, but now he was relaxed. Leo rubbed Willie’s neck experimentally. Totally limp. Any more relaxed and he’d be asleep. Leo paused, looking more carefully. There was a hickey on Willie’s neck. He definitely got laid at the party. Leo felt irritated. He’d been so careful about making sure Theresa didn’t leave marks on him, so as not to give Willie fits if he saw them, but obviously Willie was not concerned. Leo circled the hickey with his fingernail, and Willie turned his head and looked up at him. Leo couldn’t read his expression. Willie looked back at the TV, but there was tension in his neck now. 

Suddenly Willie sat up and lit a cigarette, patting Leo’s knee. “You getting hungry yet, Leo?” 

“No.” He watched Willie smoke and frown at the cowboys. I make him tense, Leo realized. “I’m sorry, Willie.” 

“What for?” 

“For hassling you. I know it’s a two-way deal. And you were so relaxed and I spoiled it. I’m sorry.” 

Willie was quiet for a minute before he spoke. “Wasn’t much of a hassle, Leo. It’s OK. Nothing’s spoiled.” 

“Can I ask you something, Willie?” Willie nodded. “Did you really throw up at the party because you were drunk?” 

Willie looked puzzled. “Yeah. Why?”  
“I just didn’t know if it was because you were drunk or if it was another reason.”  
“I was drunk, Leo. What other reason? What are you talking about?”  
“I thought maybe you threw up after sex with other people too. Like the other night at your house with me. And please don’t think I’m hassling. I’m not asking about sex, I’m asking about throwing up. Well, maybe about sex, but not about specific other people, just other people in general. Really it’s a question about you, really.”

Willie stared at Leo. Leo hated that everything he said sounded so stupid. Willie took the clicker out of his hands and turned the TV off. “Leo, are you trying to talk about our sex life?” 

“I don’t know. Do you think we should?” Leo felt a little sick. Willie put his cigarette out and turned to sit crosslegged on the couch facing Leo. He held Leo’s hand and rubbed it between both of his. 

“Maybe that would be good. Talk to me.” 

Leo took a deep breath. “I keep remembering that you threw up and I’m worried it was because of me. But if you throw up with other people too, then maybe it isn’t me, maybe you just throw up a lot. But that can’t be good.” Leo paused. Willie kept rubbing his hand and nodding like he should keep talking. “I just don’t know what you like, I guess. So I’m afraid I’m not doing it that way. A way you would like.” Willie kept petting his hand and nodding, though Leo couldn’t read the look on his face. He almost looked hopeful about something, but also a little sick. Maybe he shouldn’t have said anything. Leo reached out and traced the new hickey again. “Willie, I have to do something to you and it’s gonna hurt. I’m sorry.” 

“What?” 

“C’mere.” Leo unbuttoned the top of Willie’s shirt and pulled it open, then pulled Willie into his arms. “I hate seeing that. I need to camouflage it.” He put his mouth over the hickey and started sucking and biting. 

Willie squirmed and yelped. “Leo! Ow!” 

Leo stopped and looked at the spot again. “I’m sorry, Willie, it’s not bad enough yet.” He went back to sucking and biting. He felt Willie go rigid in his arms, but he didn’t struggle. He tasted a little blood and checked again. A red bruise completely covered the original hickey. “Ok, Willie, I’m sorry. All done.” 

Willie rubbed his neck. “Shit. It bothered you so much?”  
“Yes. I needed to reclaim it.”  
“Yeah, well, you’re gonna have to suck my dick too then.”  
Leo shoved him backwards on the couch and started undoing his pants. Willie gasped and crawled backwards away from him. Leo laughed and pulled him closer again. He got his pants down and lowered his face but Willie was covering himself with his hands. Leo looked up. Willie looked terrified, his eyes wide and staring at Leo. He whispered, “Please don’t hurt me, Leo. I was only kidding. Please, not there.” He sounded pleading.

Leo let him go and sat up. He felt like crying. Shit, he was crying. He covered his eyes with his hands. 

“Leo?” 

“I wouldn’t have, I mean... I thought you’d like it.” Leo slid off the edge of the couch and sat on the floor, resting his arms on his raised knees and trying not to cry. He heard Willie moving around the apartment and after awhile something was placed on the coffee table beside his head. 

Then Willie was kneeling in front of him, rubbing his bare feet and whispering, “It’s OK, Leo. I’m so sorry. I’m an idiot. I’m so stupid. Please don’t cry.” Leo raised his head. Willie was naked. “I brought you a glass of water. I am so sorry. I didn’t expect that and I didn’t understand. Of course I would like it. I want you to.” 

Leo took a sip of the water and put his legs down. He pulled Willie into his arms and kissed him. Then he took a deep breath and pushed Willie back onto the rug. He reached behind him and took a pillow from the couch and got up on his hands and knees to place the pillow beneath Willie’s head. He kissed him again, then slowly moved his mouth down Willie’s body. He sucked gently on his nipple, and heard Willie breathe his name. He traced down his ribcage with his tongue, thinking of snail trails, smelling Willie like the earth after rain, sticking his tongue in his navel like a new shell, and across to the opposite hip. Willie was trembling beneath his cheek before he even got to the crease of his thigh and licked all along that. Willie’s erection was getting in the way, actually, bumping into his face. Leo giggled, surprised at the sound of his own laughter. Willie was whispering “please Leo please” over and over, pleading again, his fingers digging into the carpet. Leo rested his head on Willie’s stomach and licked at the base of his cock. He watched Willie’s toes curl way down there past his legs. He could feel his head moving up and down with Willie’s shaky breathing. He licked again. More toe-curling. Leo was fascinated. He noticed the bead of liquid trembling at the tip of Willie’s cock and figured it was time to move along. He raised his head and licked at the liquid and Willie jumped and moaned. He couldn’t believe how much fun this was. He was vaguely aware of his own erection, but it didn’t seem urgent. As he pushed his mouth down around Willie’s cock, and worked his neck up and down carefully, he heard Willie grunting. He was starting to thrust into Leo’s mouth, so Leo rested a forearm across his hips to slow him down a bit, and started sucking. Willie was gasping and trying to say something, “I’m gonna, Leo, gonna” and he was ineffectually pushing at Leo’s shoulder and then Leo felt more pulsing in his mouth and warm thick wetness as Willie shouted. Leo slid his mouth off of Willie and looked up at him to find Willie looking down at him. Leo licked his lips. Willie cried, “Omigod, Leo,” and reached for him. Leo moved up to hold him and kiss him and let Willie clutch at him and sniffle for awhile. It was good happy overcome sniffling. He loved Willie and his crazy emotional stuff. Sometimes he worried that without Willie he wouldn’t have any emotions at all, like Willie had emotions for both of them.

He didn’t know how long they lay there on the floor before he noticed goosebumps on Willie’s back as he rubbed it. “You’re cold, baby. Let’s get up and make dinner.”Leo got up and came back with his bathrobe. He threw it on top of Willie. “Here, put that on.” He tossed a pair of rolled-up sweatsocks onto Willie’s chest. “Your feet’ll get cold. Come help me make dinner.” 

Willie put the clothes on and followed Leo out into the kitchen, where he was getting marinated steaks out of the fridge. He indicated an array of vegetables and a bowl on the table. “Hey Willie, make a salad, OK? I’ll get these goin’.” 

Willie chopped vegetables and watched admiringly while Leo bent over and tinkered with the broiler. He figured if Leo had asked him to go out and kill something for dinner, he’d have done it. He wanted so much to thank Leo but was afraid to talk about it. 

They didn’t talk much during dinner. Seeing Willie wearing his bathrobe reminded Leo of that weird feeling he had sometimes, that they were like the same person. He’d had a dream the other night that Willie was wearing his clothes. God, this whole thing was making him weird. Every time he looked over, Willie was already looking at him and smiling in a blissed out way that made Leo smile back, but he could feel that the smile on his face didn’t match the shakiness in his chest. It was the same when they used to shoplift after school; Willie would always be thrilled they got away with it while Leo was still scared they’d get caught. Leo had never expected this whole thing to get so weird. 

This was nothing like it had been with Theresa. Leo remembered the whole confusion of the previous night’s date. She’d seemed confused about why they were even dating, since they didn’t usually, and he hoped she hadn’t had any better offers she’d turned down for him, but how could a girl like Theresa not have better offers? Leo thought they’d just gone to bed out of politeness, as neither of them was drunk enough to beg off. He’d been distracted the whole night wondering what Willie was doing and who he was doing it with. He wished Willie’d never said that thing about guys and girls because it just gave him twice the worries. He knew how obsessed Willie got when he was in love. If Willie fell in love with someone, Leo’d hardly see him after that. What had been so important about spending New Years with Theresa anyway? He’d only thought of asking her out after Willie had shown up at Christmas. Now if he didn’t call her it would be really rude. He sighed. 

Willie looked at him curiously. “Good steak, Leo.” 

“Yeah, they came out good. They were on sale.” 

“It’s delicious.”  
“Good.” 

“Leo?”  
“Yeah?”  
“Thanks. I mean, for dinner, and, um, before.” 

Leo blushed. “Yeah, it’s OK.” 

Willie washed the dishes and listened to Leo playing wretched Pearl Jam too loudly in the living room. No music appreciation class could help him. He could smell weed too, wafting in over the smell of dinner and dish soap, which was good because Leo needed to chill out. Leo walked out into the kitchen and held the joint to Willie’s lips while he inhaled, then leaned against the sink. 

“Listen, Willie. Are you stayin’ over? I mean, will you?”  
Willie exhaled. “Yeah. Do you have a white shirt and a tie I can wear to work?” 

“Yeah, somewhere.”  
“OK, good.” Leo walked off and Willie heard him turn down the music and dial the phone. He heard something about coffee and then Leo protesting that he was too stoned to talk and had to go. Leo returned to the kitchen and sat at the table. Willie rinsed the broiler pan, wiped his hands, and took the last of the joint from Leo’s fingers.

“Willie?”  
“Yeah?”  
“I called Theresa. I’m having coffee with her tomorrow after work.” Willie burnt his fingers on the last of the joint and dropped it in the ashtray. Leo kept talking, “I gotta talk to her. I gotta say something to her or it’ll be a huge hassle.”

“So talk to her.”  
“I might have to tell her about you.”  
“Thought I was a secret.”  
“Yeah but I can’t do this.”  
Willie crossed his arms over his chest. “Can’t do what?”  
“Switch back and forth. It’s too confusing.”  
“Can’t tell us apart, Leo?”  
“Oh, fuck you. It’s just, like, I feel like I’m cheating, and she’s a really nice girl, Willie.”

Willie lit a cigarette and stalled while he swallowed everything he felt like saying. Finally he asked, “So you want me to stay over tonight and we’re breaking up tomorrow?”

Leo gaped at him. “I’m not breaking up with you. I’m breaking up with her. If you can call it breaking up after like two dates.”

Willie felt weak with relief. He sank down into the kitchen chair across the table from Leo. “Oh. Well, good.”

Leo smiled at him. “I wouldn’t blow you and buy you steak if I was breaking up with you.”

“I thought maybe you were just tryna be nice about it.”  
“No one’s that nice, Willie. But I gotta be nice to Theresa. She’s a friend, and I hafta see her at work, so that’s why I’m having coffee with her, to explain. No hard feelings, y’know?”

“Oh, OK. Well, good luck then.”  
They stared at each other across the kitchen table. “Willie?” 

“Yeah?”  
“Am I really high or is this table really big?”  
Willie giggled and climbed on top of the table, then crawled down its length till he was eye to eye with Leo. “Tiny table, Leo. Teeny.” He kissed him and felt Leo giggling through his nose. Leo was so sweet, he thought, and heard Leo’s chair scrape back while Leo leaned into the kiss, spinning Willie sideways a bit. Suddenly, the kiss was broken and Leo dragged Willie to the edge of the table and spread his legs. Leo pushed down on his back with one hand and pulled up the bathrobe with the other, then fumbled with his own pants. Willie saw Leo’s fingers scrape across the stick of butter in the butter dish beside his head, and then felt slippery fingers rubbing his ass. He heard Leo say his name, but just shook his head and grabbed the edge of the table. Leo started. It hurt, mostly from whacking against the hard edge of the table, but also burned from not enough butter. Willie kept trying to get his feet under him so he could get off the table edge, but Leo kept lifting him and spreading his legs, so he eventually gave up and waited it out, wincing. He could hear Leo grunting like a particularly satisfied pig. There was a crash as the table shifted and one of the chairs got knocked over. Willie tried to admire Leo’s stamina, but really wished he’d finish already. He could hear himself whining. Sweet Leo. Ha. Finally Leo groaned and leaned over him, his palms flat on the table on either side of Willie’s head, his arms trembling. Willie felt sweat drop onto the side of his face. It felt cold and he shivered. Leo pulled out of him slowly, and Willie squirmed in relief and frustration. Leo kissed his ear and his cheekbone, and pulled Willie’s fingers out of their deathgrip on the table edge. Then he slid an arm beneath Willie and pulled him backwards and down, until Leo was sitting in a chair and Willie was sitting in his lap. Leo wrapped his arms around Willie and held him tightly. Willie hadn’t realized he was shaking until he felt how steady Leo’s body was. He rested against Leo for a long time, and then Leo cleared his throat.

“Willie?”  
“Yeah.”  
“I got the munchies so bad. Do you want something to eat?”  
“Yeah. Can you make me a sandwich, Leo?”  
“Uh-huh. C’mon.” Leo stood him up and led him into the living room, where he sat him down on the couch and tucked an afghan around him, then put the clicker in his hand. “I’ll make more food.” He returned with sandwiches and cold beer, and settled down next to Willie. Willie ate half his sandwich and drank half his beer and then leaned his head on Leo’s shoulder and dozed, not even protesting when Leo took the clicker away. When he opened his eyes, the TV showed some geeky looking men declaring their love and demanding the right to be married and be a family. Willie lifted his head and squinted at the TV. Leo shifted in his seat and turned the TV off. “You ready for bed, Willie?”

“Mmm.”  
“OK, go on, I’ll clear up out here.”  
When Leo walked into the bedroom ten minutes later, Willie was sprawled across the sheets smiling up at him with bloodshot eyes. The bruises on his hips and thighs and neck looked dark against his pale skin and the white of the sheets. The sight of them made Leo want to fuck him all over again. He turned out the light and crawled into bed beside him, kissing him deeply and stroking him all over before turning him onto his stomach. He did the lube and condom thing as quickly as he could and was positioning himself to push in, when he tuned into what Willie was saying. “Stop, Leo, please stop. Please wait a minute.”

Leo let go and sat up on his heels, gritting his teeth. “What? Are you OK?” 

“Yeah, I’m good. I just thought...” Willie rolled over, reached up and turned on the bedside lamp. He saw the wary expression on Leo’s face and sat up to hug him. “Oh baby, no. Everything’s good. It’s just a suggestion.” 

“What?”  
“Just, I wanna lie a different way, is all. So I can see you. OK?”  
“Show me.”  
Willie lay back down on his back and pulled Leo in between his legs, then raised his legs and rested his calves on Leo’s shoulders. “Like this, Leo. Go ahead.” Leo reached across him for the lamp, but Willie grabbed his arm. “Leave it on, so I can see you.” Leo hesitated. “Please, Leo. Or even a candle.” Leo thought about the delay involved in finding candles in the hallway closet and then finding something to put the burning candle on. He grunted his assent to the lamp and grabbed Willie’s hips, repositioning himself. He closed his eyes and pushed into the tight opening, slower than he wanted to, trying to go easy. He heard Willie breathe out heavily and waited for him to breathe in again. His breathing seemed louder than before. He could feel Willie’s balls brushing his belly, and Willie was touching him, running his fingers across Leo’s chest and holding his arms. The hair on Willie’s legs felt rough on his shoulders. It felt like Willie was everywhere, holding Leo’s dick inside him, holding onto Leo, whispering to Leo to look at him, look at him. Leo squeezed his eyes shut more tightly and started thrusting, felt Willie’s fingers grip his arms spasmodically, and heard his voice going ragged, just the word “look” gasped at intervals. Leo lost track of time in his own rhythm, in the warm slickness enclosing him, in the anchoring of limbs, until he realized there was no resistance at all, that Willie was moving with him, matching him perfectly, and that Willie’s hands had dropped away from his arms.

Leo opened his eyes. Willie’s hands were clutching the sheets beside them. Leo let his eyes follow Willie’s white arms up to his bruised neck and his face above it. Willie’s eyes locked onto his, and seemed to glow. Leo thought he had never seen Willie so unguarded, not even asleep; it was like he’d known him forever but never seen him before. Even his panting was peaceful. Leo reached up to touch Willie’s face with his fingertips. Willie grabbed his hand and kissed it, then pushed it down onto his own chest, down his sweating stomach to where his erection twitched between them. He put Leo’s hand on his dick and then put his own hands on Leo’s nipples, tweaking and rubbing, his eyes never leaving Leo’s. Leo wasn’t even sure he was blinking. Leo felt something uncoiling in his chest; he heard himself hissing and his steady fucking redoubled while he jerked at Willie’s dick roughly. He heard his own grunting and then Willie cried out suddenly. His lashes fluttered as he tried to maintain eye contact while his face twisted, one vein on his forehead, Leo would swear, pulsing with each thrust into him. “Leo,” he said huskily, lowly, and Leo felt the vibration of his own name as a physical thing in the space between them and felt himself reply “Will” as his own climax took him and he fell forward into the clear darkness. 

He was vaguely aware of Willie putting his legs down on either side of him, and of this movement dislodging him so he wasn’t inside him anymore, and of Willie’s arms coming around his shoulders, but apart from that he didn’t move, and felt no inclination to. He felt himself rocked by Willie’s slow deep breaths, like he was on a raft, and opened his eyes once. He could see Willie’s forearm, golden in the lamplight, and the fine dark hairs on it, and the pale blue veins. The shapes of his bedroom beyond that were indistinct quiet blurs. He thought he slept for awhile, and when he opened his eyes again everything was the same, only he felt more awake, and chilly, and could hear even snoring above him. He got up and found his bathrobe in the tangle of clothes at the foot of the bed and put it on, and then pulled the covers up over Willie and turned out the lamp before leaving the room. 

He went out to the kitchen and made himself a cup of tea. He thought he might have slept for hours, but only ninety minutes had gone by since they’d gone to bed. The dishes were dry and he put them away, then looked around for something else to do with all his happy energy. He found one of his two white shirts and ironed it. He hung it on a hanger with his darkest tie. He found Willie’s discarded clothing on the living room floor and washed his socks and underpants and put them on a radiator to dry, folding the rest of his clothes carefully. He made sandwiches and put them into two lunchbags, adding an apple to each, and put them in the fridge for the morning. He remembered how his mother made him lunches to take to school, and how he always wished he could buy lunch like the other kids. Willie had had a free lunch card like the other welfare kids, but something had happened in junior high to make him too embarrassed to get his free lunch, so he usually just ate some of Leo’s. After awhile, Leo had told his mother and she’d just sighed and made him two sandwiches. Leo went back to the cabinet and found a package of cookies and added some to Willie’s lunch. He always wanted dessert. Then he tore a piece of paper out of his notebook, got a pencil, and closed his eyes for a moment before he started sketching. He wrote something on the drawing, folded it up, and put it inside Willie’s lunch. He put his clean scrubs for work and his schoolbooks inside his backpack and set up the coffeemaker for the morning. Then he went back to bed, curling up beside Willie and falling instantly asleep.

  


**January 2**

  


The alarm clock startled Willie out of confusing dreams of drowning, and he realized the weight of the ocean pushing him down was really just the weight of Leo’s head on his chest, now moving and banging his chin as the alarm blared on and on. Leo yelped in headbanged surprise and lunged for the alarm clock. Willie was just licking his lips and thinking how gummy his mouth felt when Leo kissed him and smiled. “Morning, Willie. I’m first in the shower. You got ten more minutes to sleep.” Willie felt the bed shift as Leo got up and disappeared into the bathroom. 

He sat up. He ached and his legs were stiff. He flopped back and groaned. This was what he got for hiking around graveyards followed by athletic sex. He wished he could sleep more. He heard Leo come out of the bathroom and then he was at Willie’s side, shaking him with a damp hand. “C’mon, Willie, take your shower or you’ll miss breakfast.” 

The hot shower helped a little. He looked critically in the mirror and decided the unshaven look was arty and European rather than slovenly. When he went in search of his clothes, Leo directed him back to the bedroom. “I laid them out for you.” He frowned when he saw them. When had Leo washed his underwear? He tried to picture Leo doing this and couldn’t. Yet there they were. The shirt was a little big on him, but the tie was fine and Leo had even found a plain tieclip somewhere. Leo was so amazing. He went out to the kitchen to find coffee and bagels waiting and a cheerful Leo looking like everything was normal. 

“Is it OK if I smoke?”  
Leo sighed. “You know it’s bad for you. There’s an ashtray over the sink.”  
Willie got the ashtray and sat down with his coffee. He waited for the aspirin he’d found in Leo’s medicine cabinet to work. Leo didn’t have anything stronger than aspirin, even though he worked at a hospital. Willie thought free drug samples were one of the benefits of hospital jobs. He realized Leo was talking to him over the sound of news radio. “What?”

Leo smiled at him again. So much smiling. “I said, sleepyhead, what do you have to do today?” 

“Oh, go to work.”  
“Yeah, but what does your work day look like?”  
“Huh?”  
“Well, you never talk about it much. What will you do at work today?”  
“Oh, regular stuff. It’s boring.”  
“Tell me anyway. I wanna know what you do all day.”  
“I’ll, um, clean up the store, and put back the stuff that customers moved, and wait on people. There’s probably still more people with Christmas gifts to return. They’re always pissed when it turns out they got a bargain present so they can’t trade it for a new CD. It’s not Tuesday, is it?”

“No, it’s Thursday.” 

“Oh good. On Tuesdays there are new albums to unpack, and I don’t feel like unpacking stuff today.” He brightened a little. “Also, I think it might be payday.” He counted back. “Yeah, definitely payday.” 

“Are you going home right after work?” 

“I don’t know. Sometimes people go out on payday. I’m kinda tired, so I might just go home.” 

“Do you feel OK? I heard you rummaging through my medicine cabinet.” 

“Oh, you only have aspirin in there, Leo. Can’t you get some good stuff from the hospital?” 

“You don’t feel good?” 

“No, I’m OK. Just achy.” 

“Cuz of me?” 

“No, just normal achy. I did a lot of walking around before I came over here yesterday. So not mostly you.” 

“You’re not eating.”  
“It’s too early.”  
Leo got up and spread a bagel with cream cheese and then wrapped it in tinfoil before placing it in front of him. “OK, eat it later then.”

Willie smiled in spite of himself. “You’re spoiling me. Like your mother.”  
Leo looked at him thoughtfully. “She was nice like that.”  
“She was really nice. You washed my clothes.”  
Leo grinned at him. “I made you a lunch, too.”  
“You’re too much, Leo.”  
Leo looked at him seriously. “Too much?”  
Willie stood up and hugged him. “No. I like it. Spoil me.”  
“OK. I’m gonna go to work, meet Theresa for coffee, and go to school tonight. I should be home around 10. Will you be home then if I call you?”

“Yes. I’ll be home by 10 so you can call me.”

Willie thought about Leo all the way to work, munching his bagel on the subway. Leo had made him a lunch. Leo was breaking up with Ms. Nice. Leo had been a goddamn sex fiend and had given him a blowjob. God, he actually felt hopeful. If things with Leo worked out, what was he going to do? What do happy people do with themselves? Work was busy, so he put it out of his mind and became a customer service robot. He finally heard his stomach growling around three o’clock and took his break. He was opening his lunch and a National Enquirer in the break room when Justin sat down next to him. 

“There you are, scarpering child.” 

“What’s scarpering?”  
“Running off.”  
“Oh. Was he mad?” 

“Crestfallen. Then he went out with his friends and seemed fine.” 

“Good. He was sweet.”  
“Why are you eating here? You never eat in here.”  
“I brought a lunch.” 

“I don’t believe you. And anyway, it’s payday.” 

“And yet, here’s my lunch.”  
“Did you shrink or is that shirt just not yours?” 

“God, Justin, you’re so nosy.” 

“Oh c’mon. You know I wanna hear it. Are those cookies?”  
“They’re my cookies. Special cookies for me. Get your own cookies.”  
“Selfish, selfish with cookies, selfish with gossip, and to think I shared my nephew with you. And my home. And my kitchen sink.”

Willie sighed and handed him a cookie. “Fine. Yes, it’s Leo’s shirt.”  
“So, his date with the woman?”  
“I don’t know. He called her. They’re having coffee. He says he’s gonna break up with her.”

“Do you think he really will?” 

Willie stared into space for a minute. “Actually, yeah.” 

“So what now, then?”  
“I don’t know. We’re, like, talking more.”  
“About what happens next?” 

“No, about normal boring stuff.” 

“So it’s good?” 

“Yeah, I think so.” Justin looked at him questioningly. “I mean, this is what I wanted; it just seems too good to be true.” 

“So how’s the sex?” 

Willie smiled. Justin started laughing. “I know, Justin, I know. I can’t think about it at work cuz I start smiling like a freak.” Willie upended his lunch bag and caught his apple in his hand. A folded piece of notebook paper floated out with it and onto the floor. The two men stared at it for a minute, then jumped after it, but Justin was closer and got there first. He held it over his head grinning. “Oh, c’mon, give it to me, Justin.” 

“After I see what incredibly personal thing it is.”  
“Oh c’mon, don’t be a jerk.”  
“Bill, you’re blushing.” Justin unfolded the paper, looked at it for a moment, then folded it again and tucked it into Willie’s shirt pocket. “I’m sorry, Bill. You’re right, that was jerky. I owe you a drink.” He patted Willie’s shoulder and walked out of the room.

Willie threw all his trash away and locked himself in a men’s room stall before looking at the paper. It was a drawing of something. It took him a minute to decipher it. It was his own forearm, with blurry furniture in the background behind it. He rolled up his sleeve and looked at the inside of his arm. The freckles in the drawing were exactly the same. At the top, Leo had printed “happiness looks like this” and at the bottom it said “Love you, Leo.” Willie had wept in the men’s room at work before, frequently during bad weeks, but he didn’t think he’d ever cried there for a good reason.

  


Willie’s phone rang at 10:15. He muted the TV, although watching Xena fight was better when you could hear her warrior cry. She still had great silent tits though. “Hello?” 

“Hey Willie.”  
“Hi Leo.”  
“Did you have a good day?”  
“Yeah. Payday. Bunch of us went for drinks after. How about you?”  
“Too long. I’m freakin’ about that exam.”  
“You’ll pass. Um, Leo? Thanks for lunch. It was good.”  
“You liked it?”  
“I loved it. And, um, I was happy too.”  
“You were?”  
“Yeah. Thanks, Leo. For, y’know, goin’ along with the light and stuff.”  
“Well, you know what you’re doin’.”  
Willie frowned. “Huh?”  
“I mean, I dunno, you got more experience.” Willie didn’t say anything. He lit another cigarette and thought about honesty.

“Willie? You there?”

“Yeah.”

“I didn’t mean nuthin’.”  
“I don’t.”  
“Don’t what?”  
“Have more experience. Like that. I never . . . it was dark in prison, Leo. I didn’t want to see him.”

Leo was silent. Finally he said, “Oh. I’m sorry. That was stupid.”  
“It’s OK.”  
“It’s good, though. It’s good that it’s different.”  
“Well, yeah.” Willie didn’t know what to say. “So did you have coffee with your friend? Is that all fixed up now?”

“Yeah, I did. I guess it’s fixed up. She’s not mad at me, I don’t think. Now she’s all, like, concerned.”

“About what?”

“About me, I guess.”  
“What, that you’ve turned gay under my evil influence?”  
“Well, she didn’t say that. Like, that I’m making drastic changes, that’s what she said, drastic changes, and it creates, um, inner turmoil, and I should see somebody.”

“You’re seeing me.”

“No, like a shrink or something.”  
“What, cuz you must be crazy to be seeing me?”  
“No, Willie, she’s not like that. She thinks I need help adjusting or something.”  
“Are you gonna go?”  
“I don’t know. I have to think about it.”  
“What, you think you should?”  
“Can we not talk about it right now? I need to think about it.”  
“You need to think about whether seeing me makes you crazy?”  
“Willie, for chrissake. No. I just need to think about stuff in general. Don’t worry about it.”

“Ok. Are we hanging out this weekend?”  
“Yeah, absolutely.”  
“OK. You want me to come up there after work tomorrow?”  
“No. I got stuff I gotta do. I’ll come over your place Saturday afternoon, OK?” 

“OK, Leo.”

 

  


**2 days later, Saturday afternoon**

  


Willie faintly heard the buzzer but it seemed very far away. He cracked open his eyes. It was just past noon. It was probably the goddamn Mormons or something. He rolled over and went back to his dream of Xena and the power of her tits to subdue evil. “I’m evil, Xena, so evil,” he whispered. His phone starting ringing in tandem with the buzzer. “Fuck!” He sat up and grabbed the phone. “What!” 

“Willie?”  
“Leo?”  
“What’s the matter?”  
“Fucking people are buzzing the door and calling me.”  
“Willie, it’s me. I’m buzzing your door. How come you’re not answering? Let me in. It’s cold out here.”

“But you’re on the phone.” 

“I’m on my cellphone. I’m standing outside your building. C’mon, Willie, get up and open the door.” 

Willie hung up the phone and stumbled to the door, tugging on his bathrobe. Leo looked cold and upset when he walked in. He hugged Willie, who jumped at the feel of his icy hands. “Let me make you some coffee.” 

“I don’t want coffee.”  
“Let me make me some coffee. I thought you’d be later.”  
“I had a fucking weird morning, Willie.”  
“Are you OK?”  
“Yeah but I just, I dunno, I just came over here early. Cuz I gotta talk to you.” 

“What?” Willie walked into the kitchen, lit a cigarette and started the coffee. No good conversations started with “I gotta talk to you.”

Leo followed him and sat down at the table. “Did you leave flowers at the cemetery?” 

Willie spun around and stared at him. He could feel himself getting angry. It’s a fucking public cemetery. He hadn’t done anything wrong. Leo was waiting for an answer. Willie turned back to the coffee. “Yeah, Leo, I did. So what?”

“So my aunt didn’t like it, that’s what.”  
“So the world don’t run the way she likes it, too fucking bad.”  
“Shut the fuck up, Willie. Her daughter’s dead, her sister’s dead, her husband’s in jail, she’s broke, nothing’s running how she likes it.”

Willie shut up and busied himself finding coffee mugs. He didn’t care how unhappy the old bitch was. He wondered if Leo knew she’d petitioned against his parole. Leo looked really upset. “It’s not like I planted anything, Leo. I just laid them there. She can throw them away.”

“That’s not the point, Willie. She just didn’t like the idea of you being there.” 

“How’d she even know it was me?”  
“Who else would leave the same flowers for Erica and for my mother? Except me. And I’d already told her I hadn’t been out there for a coupla weeks. We went out there this morning. She picked me up and we drove out there with Bernie. She just went apeshit talkin’ about how it was you, she knew it was you. I didn’t say nothin’ and then she started askin’ if I’d heard from you and shit.”

“What’d you say?” 

“I said yeah, I’d heard from you. And she started screaming about how you’ve got no right, and I tried to calm her down. I told her you probably just did that cuz you felt bad and she just looked at me. You know how she could always just smell everything out? And then she was like, ‘You’re in touch with him, aren’t you?’ And I said we’d hung out a little and she slapped me. Then she went back to the car and just drove off and left me there. So now I guess we’re not speaking.” 

Willie poured coffee. “Good thing you didn’t mention the sex or she’d have probably run you over.” 

“I’m serious, Will. This is a fucking mess now.”  
“Why?”  
Leo glared at him. “Cuz she knows I’ve seen you and she’s pissed.”  
“So what? Who cares if she’s pissed? So what if she doesn’t talk to you?” Willie could 

hear himself starting to yell. “She’s my aunt.” 

“So?” 

“She’s all the family I have left. Her and Bernie. Now that my mother...” Leo fell silent. He looked at Willie and whispered, “Thanks for leaving the flowers. She woulda really liked ‘em.” 

Willie’s anger waned. He took his coffee and crossed the kitchen to stand next to Leo’s chair. He sipped and rubbed Leo’s shoulder. “I’m sorry you had such a bad morning.” 

“I know you hate her, Willie. I mean, you hate each other. I understand that. I tried to talk her out of that parole protest thing but I couldn’t. I told her Erica wouldn’t have wanted it, and she was pissed at me then, too.” 

Willie leaned down and hugged him. “Thank you for trying, though, and for saying that. Anyway, it didn’t work, so it doesn’t matter now.” 

“Hey, Willie?”  
“What?”  
“Did you tell your family about me?”  
Willie sat down and stirred his coffee. He smiled a little and then got up and rummaged through a kitchen drawer. He came back with a holy card and put it in front of Leo. “That’s for you. From Tia Consuela.”

“What is it, Willie? It’s all in Spanish.” 

“It’s a holy card for St. Jude, patron of lost causes. She’s saying a novena for us that we’ll fight this unnatural sin and be good boys again. She also sent you candy but I ate it, I’m sorry.” 

“You told her?” 

“Yeah, I stopped by after work when no one would be there. Brought her some groceries. I think she gets sick of those stupid meals on wheels. She told me all the family gossip and then she asked me if I was in love. I told her I was in love with you.” Leo looked at him. Willie kept talking. “So she told me I was very bad and should go to confession, and then she said you’re very handsome and wanted to know if you have a big dick.” 

Leo laughed. “You have a better aunt, Willie. Did you tell her yes?” 

Willie frowned. “Yeah.”  
“What?”  
“Nothing. She won’t tell anyone. I could never tell the rest of them.” 

“What’s the matter?” 

“Nothing.”  
“Willie.”  
“She’s old and crazy, Leo.”  
“What’d she say?”  
“She doesn’t understand. It’s not worth talking about. What are we gonna do today?” 

“We’re gonna ponder the wisdom of Tia Consuela. C’mon, tell me.”  
“She just said that I am a man and also have a big dick.”  
“She probably just meant that she doesn’t think you’re faggy.”  
“That isn’t what she meant.”  
“Well, what’d she mean?”  
“I don’t wanna talk about it.”  
“Willie, what is it?”  
“I don’t wanna talk about it, Leo. Hey, did you decide if you’re going to go to a shrink or not?”

Leo sighed. “Yeah, I was gonna tell you about that later. Maybe after dinner. And drinks. Some time when you’re mellow and relaxed, not first thing in the morning.”

“Fuckin’ tell me now and get all the bad shit outta the way.”

“It’s not bad shit. I went. Yesterday afternoon.”  
“To the shrink?” 

“To the counselor.”  
“And they said get away from me before you go totally crazy?”  
“No. He said that we have a lot of issues.”  
“Wow. I bet he gets paid a lot for being such a genius.”  
“Willie, I’m tryna explain it.”  
“Explain what? Leo, fuckin’ tell me now if this is heading to how we have to break up for your mental health.”

“Willie, no. It’s not a break-up thing. It was more about how things would be better if we worked out some issues. It’s really weird cuz one of the things we talked about was how I would feel if my family found out, and then there was that whole scene this morning, even though, I mean, they don’t know the whole story. And then when I was stranded there in the cemetery and I headed for the subway, I didn’t even think about going home. I just wanted to come here and see you cuz I was upset, y’know? He said the person you go to when you’re upset, that’s like, whaddya call it, emotional dependence.”

“What, that makes you crazy?”  
“No, Willie! No one’s crazy, OK? It’s not about crazy.”  
“Well, what then?”  
“Well, he thinks that we sound like we’re definitely bonding to each other. I mean, you told your aunt you were in love with me.”

“Yeah, well, so what? I can feel that way. You don’t have to. It’s OK if you don’t.” 

“Yeah, but the point is I kinda do.”  
Willie got up and poured more coffee, then returned to the table. “Yeah?” 

“Kinda, yeah.”  
Willie looked frightened. “So?”  
“So what?”  
“So the shrink? I mean, the counselor? What’s the bad part?”  
Leo got up and rummaged through his backpack by the door. He returned with some powder-blue brochures. He put them on the table in front of Willie. “He thinks that what happened to you in prison is maybe getting mixed up with what’s happening with us now, and that maybe you should talk to a counselor about it. These are about, like, support groups for people who got raped. You can look at them if you want. But it’s just what he thinks. You don’t have to go. It’s up to you.”

“Fuck you, Leo.” Willie walked out of the kitchen. Leo heard the bathroom door lock. He waited ten minutes and then went to stand outside the door. All he could hear was water running in the tub. He knocked and called Willie’s name but got no answer. He thought the door looked flimsy enough to break down, but also thought that might be more upsetting. He tried another approach. 

“Willie, turn the water off so I can talk to you for a second. Please. Just listen. You can stay in there, just listen.” The water stopped. “Willie, I’m scared you’re going to hurt yourself in there. Are you?” 

“No.”  
“Do you promise?”  
“Yes.”  
“OK, well, I’m gonna wait for you in the living room then. You come out whenever you want, OK?” No answer. “If it’s a long time and I get worried again, I’ll just come say something through the door, and you’ll answer me so I know you’re alright, right?”

“I already promised.” 

“OK, good. I feel bad you’re upset. You can come out and see me even if you’re upset, I don’t mind, OK?” 

The water started running again. 

Leo waited in the living room and flipped through TV channels without seeing any of them. An hour went by. Willie still hadn’t come out of the bathroom, though there were occasional splashing sounds that suggested he was taking a bath. Mike the counselor had kept talking about boundaries, and respecting them, so he talked himself out of banging on the closed door and yelling. 

He hadn’t even gotten to the most upsetting part yet. Maybe Mike was wrong about that anyway. If Willie wasn’t happy with the sex, he would say something. Leo was happy with it. Why risk messing it up? Just because he’d made that stupid remark didn’t mean he was mad at Willie. He’d forgiven him. “He fucked me over” was just an expression and didn’t have anything to do with actual sex. Leo closed his eyes. Fuck Tia Consuela too. An hour and fifteen minutes. He was actually starting to feel kind of pissed off. Why did Willie have to be so difficult? The phone rang. Willie’s phone. It wouldn’t be for him. Leo answered it anyway. “Hello?”

“Hello. Is Bill there?”  
“I think you have the wrong number.”  
“Oh, excuse me.” Leo hung up. The phone rang again. It was the same voice. “Oh dear. I’m so sorry. I’m trying to reach Bill Gutierrez. This used to be his number.”

“Oh!” Leo felt stupid. “Yeah. Willie. I’m sorry. Yeah, this is his number. He can’t come to the phone though. Can I take a message?”

“Would this by any chance be Leo?”  
“Uhhh, yeah. Who’s this?”  
“This is Justin, Bill’s friend from work. Bill has said such nice things about you.” 

“He has?” 

“Oh yes. He’s very fond of you.” Leo swallowed hard. “Well, perhaps I’ve called at a bad time. If you would just tell Bill that Justin phoned. It’s nothing important; I just thought perhaps he’d like to join some of us who are going dancing this evening. You are of course also welcome, Leo. I’d love to meet you.” 

“OK, I’ll tell him. I don’t really know what his plans are. Um, Willie, uh, Bill says nice stuff about you too.” 

“Oh, I’m so pleased. He is a dear.”  
“Yeah.”  
“OK, you have a good day, Leo. Nice chatting with you.”  
“Um, Justin?”  
“Yes?”  
“Would you, could you hold on a minute? Maybe he’ll talk to you. I mean, you’re friends, right?”

“Well, yes, but you needn’t disturb him if he’s indisposed. As I said—“  
“He won’t come out of the bathroom. He’s upset. I upset him. He’s been in there over an hour.”

“Oh, I have called at a bad time. I’m so sorry.”  
“No, but if he would just come out so I know he’s OK, and maybe he’d talk to you if you’re friends. I just don’t know what to do.” He hoped Justin couldn’t hear that he was crying.

“Leo? What do you mean you’re not sure he’s OK? Should you be calling 911?”

“Well no, because if he’s just taking a bath and I call 911 or break the door down, he’ll be fuckin’ furious. Mike said to respect his boundaries. He promised he wouldn’t hurt himself but he breaks promises. I mean, he used to. I know he’s trying to be more honest. But if I don’t believe him, he’ll be more upset.”

“OK, Leo, calm down. What happened right before he went into the bathroom?” 

“I told him he should think about going to a counselor. Cuz I started going. But he doesn’t want me to. He thinks the counselor will tell me to break up with him. I told him that’s not true, but he keeps thinking it.” 

Wet hands grabbed the phone away from Leo and shoved him. Willie glared and held the phone to his ear. He was wrapped in his robe and dripping on the carpet. “Justin?” 

“Bill?” 

“Oh thank god it’s you and not one of my cousins. I’m sorry. I don’t know what he was thinking bothering you with all that.” He glared at Leo some more and lit a cigarette. 

“Bill, are you alright?” 

“Yeah, I was taking a fucking bath. Can’t a man take a fucking bath in his own fucking house without getting analyzed about it?” 

“Well, your friend sounded very concerned. He seems very sweet, Bill.” 

“Sickeningly sweet.”  
“Bill, are you sure you’re alright? You sound very upset.”  
“I’m fine.” 

“Leo seemed concerned that you might hurt yourself, Bill.” 

Willie laughed. “Oh fuck that. I lived through Diego, I’m not gonna kill myself over Leo.” 

“Well, I’m glad to hear it, though I admit I’m confused.” 

“Why Justin, didn’t I ever tell you about Diego? Oh yes. He’s a friend of mine from prison. Big, fat, mean, smelly guy with bad teeth. And bad breath. Big dick, though. Lucky me. Justin? Have you heard enough now? Do you want any more gossip?” 

Justin was quiet for a minute. Then he said, “Bill, about Leo. Remember the picture of happiness he drew for you? Remember how happy you were? Think about it. Do you remember?” 

“Yes,” Willie whispered. 

“Is he still in the room?” 

“Yes.”  
“Maybe you could just talk with him a bit.”  
“Yeah, I guess.”  
“OK, dear. Feel better. Call me later, OK?”  
“OK, bye.” 

Willie put the phone down and stood in front of Leo, who looked sheepish. 

“I’m sorry, Will. I was just so worried.”  
“Leo, can you come and lie down with me?”  
In the bedroom, Willie put his head on Leo’s chest and Leo wrapped his arms around him. “Willie, I should have thought of a better way to say it. I don’t think you’re crazy.”

“I know. I just don’t like to think about that stuff.”  
“OK.” Leo took a deep breath. Willie felt his hand shaking on his arm. “Willie?” 

“Yeah?” Leo didn’t say anything. Willie picked his head up and looked at his face. Leo was biting his lip. “What, Leo?”

“Nothing. I just, it’s hard to say.”  
“Well, wait till it’s easy then. Don’t stress.” Willie flopped his head back down. “You scared Justin.”

“You scared Justin. And me.” 

“I was just too mad to talk to you.” 

“Why didn’t you fight with me then?” 

“I woulda thrown you out.”  
“Why were you so mad?” 

“Thinking about Diego always makes me mad. Like a rat chewing in my stomach. And then you telling some stranger about me and what I did with him. That’s my business, Leo. You can’t tell people. He always told people. So I would be ashamed. Sometimes he made me do it in front of people. Stupid jail people, motherfucking guards, so who cares. But I don’t like people to know.” 

“It’s not your fault. He should be ashamed, not you.”  
“He’s an animal; he has no shame. It’s my fault I was in there with the animals.” 

“Counseling is private. It’s a secret, like going to confession. He can’t tell anybody. It only came up because he was asking me about sex. Sex with you, I mean. And I told him that you’d said you’d thought about me in prison.”

“But those were just thoughts, Leo, and this is real.”  
They were quiet for a minute. Then Leo asked, “Is it like how you thought it would be?” 

“No.”  
“Why not?”  
Willie sighed and rolled over onto his back, moving his head to Leo’s shoulder. “Because in my thoughts, there was never anything bad between us. I never did those things, you didn’t have to forgive me, everything was just, just love. It wasn’t real.”

“But I do forgive you.”  
“I know. It’s like a miracle to me. But you still remember.”  
“I can’t help that.”  
“I know. It’s just the real world.”  
“I don’t dwell on it.”  
“No, I know. Like Diego. I don’t dwell on him either. Things just come in your head sometimes. Sometimes, when you’re rough with me, you’re remembering, and then you feel bad and cuddle me, because I’m forgiven now. It reminds me I’m forgiven and makes me happy.” Leo was quiet for a long time, though he held Willie more tightly. “How am I doing with the honesty, Leo?”

“Good,” Leo said gruffly. “Do I-- does it make you remember Diego a lot?” 

“No. Sometimes. Sometimes I throw up. But not because of you. I’m not ashamed with you.” 

“Willie, do you wanna fuck me?” 

“Oh, Leo. Can we do it later? I’m not mad anymore, really. But now we’re talking about all this stuff and I’m just, I’ll just be better when I’m more cheerful. Maybe in awhile we’ll go out and do something fun and come home early and then it’ll be really happy, OK? You don’t have to go, do you?” Leo didn’t say anything. Willie waited a minute. “Well, unless you really want to right now, then yeah. Y’know, I think maybe it would cheer me up. Do you want to get under the covers?” He sat up and started to undo Leo’s pants, but Leo grabbed his hand. 

“No, Willie, lie down again.” Willie did. “That’s not what I meant.” Leo took a deep breath. “I mean, do you wanna fuck me, instead of me fucking you? Or, like, also? Like, Jesus, do you know what I mean?” 

Willie squeezed his hand. “Yeah.” His voice was very quiet. “Do you want me to be inside you, Leo?” 

“I don’t know. But I think maybe you want to.”  
“You don’t know?”  
“I guess it would be, um, a good thing, like emotionally. For you. And me, I guess. Too. Shit.”

“But?” 

“But I never, y’know.”  
“Your hands are shaking.”  
“I’m scared.”  
Willie rubbed Leo’s arm. “Don’t be scared, Leo.”  
“OK, but do ya wanna, Willie?”  
“I would love to do that, Leo, so much. But not when you’re scared. Maybe someday, OK?”

“But if you want to, we should just do it.”  
“Leo, it’s so nice that you offered, but you don’t have to if you’re scared.”  
“But I’ll just be scared, so shouldn’t you just do it and then the shock will be over?” 

Willie smiled. ”Oh, Leo, listen to you. The shock.”  
“I’ve been worrying about this since yesterday now. I’ll lose my nerve.”  
“Jeez, it ain’t bungee jumping, Leo. Stop worrying about it.” He sat up and looked at Leo suspiciously. “Since yesterday? Is this one of those counseling things?”

Leo sat up too and looked him in the eye. “We talked about it. So what? It’s my idea now. I’m serious, Willie. God help me but I’m begging you. Just fuck me now.” Willie looked at him in disbelief. “And don’t laugh at me.”

Willie kissed him. “OK, Leo. If you’re serious. Go take a shower. Take your time. Take a bath if you want. Try to relax. Nice warm water. Go.” 

“OK, I’m goin’.” 

“OK.” Willie waited until he heard the shower running, and then put his head under a pillow and laughed. And cried a little. 

Leo looked clean but tense when he came back to the bedroom. Willie had changed it. There were candles burning and he’d changed the sheets and drawn the shades so everything was fragrant and dim and cool. There was reggae music playing very softly. Willie met Leo in the doorway and kissed him slowly until Leo kissed him back. He took Leo’s towel away and led him towards the bed. “C’mon, baby, lie down. Good. Roll over on your stomach.” Leo did. Willie straddled him and warmed some body oil in his hands. 

“Will, what are you doing?“  
”I’m giving you a backrub. You’re all tense.”  
“No, Will, don’t drag it out. Just do it.” Willie got off him and lay down beside him, pulling Leo’s arm around himself. “What now? What’s on your hands?”

“Body oil. Sandalwood. Doesn’t it smell nice?”

“I guess, but--.” 

“Leo?”  
“Yeah?”  
“Do I rush you when you fuck me?”  
“No, but I don’t drag it out.”  
“Well, no, you’re right there. But this is gonna take awhile. Do you have someplace youhave to be?”

“No.”

“Do you want to change your mind and not do this, or do it another time when you’re not so nervous?” 

“No.”  
“OK. Lemme do it my way. Are you gonna trust me on this?”  
“I trust you, Willie.”  
“OK then. Relax and enjoy your backrub. Listen to the music. Think about how much you love me.” Willie got back up, got more oil, and resumed rubbing Leo’s back. He watched Leo’s muscles twitch and relax and kept rubbing. It was almost half an hour before Leo seemed reasonably limp.

“Willie, I’m gonna fall asleep.” 

“Don’t worry. I’ll wake you up if you do. You’re doing so good relaxing.” Willie moved down and massaged Leo’s lower back and ass until he heard Leo sigh contentedly. He worked his way down the back of his legs for good measure. Leo had beautiful legs. Willie stopped massaging and knelt beside Leo’s legs. He leaned down and sucked on the back of Leo’s knee, then moved over and did the same on the other leg. Leo mumbled something. Willie kept licking and sucking and nibbling, moving up slowly along Leo’s inner thighs, until Leo wiggled a little and spread his legs apart a bit. Willie sat up. 

“Leo, get up on your knees for me so I can reach better. Good.” Willie went back to work on Leo’s inner thighs, pushing them apart with his head. He moved up and started nibbling Leo’s ass right where it met his thighs, and heard Leo giggle. Willie smiled. He kept nibbling, moving in circles, and reached between Leo’s legs to stroke his hardening cock. He switched to licking, and moved the flat of his tongue along the crack of Leo’s ass. Leo tensed for a moment and then relaxed again. Willie licked him several more times and then narrowed his tongue and licked along the inside of the crack. Leo squirmed, and Willie reached up and put a hand on the small of his back, rubbing in slow circles. He moved his tongue up and down and then stopped with his tongue pressed against Leo’s hole. He licked a little more and felt the opening twitching against his tongue. He slowly pushed his tongue inside. Leo moaned. He continued sliding his tongue in and out while he felt around at the foot of the bed for the lube and squeezed some on his fingers. When he felt Leo push back slightly, he pulled his tongue out and replaced it with a finger, stroking and rubbing and reaching around Leo to stroke his rockhard cock in the same rhythm. He snuck a look at Leo’s face and smiled to see him slackjawed, his eyes closed and his lashes fluttering. He added another finger. Leo moaned and pushed back against his hand. He fumbled a condom onto himself and added more lube. He felt a little shaky now himself. He pulled his fingers out and knelt behind Leo, holding his waist and rubbing his back. He put the tip of his dick between Leo’s cheeks, barely pressing against him. Leo opened his eyes and tried to twist his neck around more. 

“Shhh, sweetie, just relax, you’re doing so good, just stay like you are.” He pushed into him as slowly as he could, clenching his teeth and concentrating on not thrusting. Leo held still but made a little panicked sound, and Willie could feel him clenching around him. He thought he’d come right then. He held his breath for a minute and made himself hold still, rubbing Leo’s back. “You’re OK, Leo, you’re fine, just breathe. Just feel it. It’s OK.” His voice had gone husky. Leo shuddered and then relaxed slightly. “How you doin’, Leo? Talk to me a little.” 

“I’m OK.”  
“How does it feel, Leo?” 

“OK. Weird.”  
“Does it hurt?”  
“No. Like, full.” Willie heard him swallow, and could feel Leo trembling against him. 

“Willie?”  
“What, honey?” 

“Does it feel OK for you?” 

Willie felt himself start to cry. “Oh my god, Leo, yes. Yes, it’s so good.” Willie’s legs were shaking. He forced his voice steady. “Sweetheart, I’m gonna move now.” 

“OK, Will.” He moved as slowly and shallowly as he could, but Leo's low moans at each thrust and withdrawal drove him crazy. He reached down and found Leo's cock, relieved to find it still hard. As soon as he touched it, Leo's moans became one long bassline of sound, and Willie knew he wasn’t going to last long. He felt himself moving faster and deeper and tried to slow down again but then Leo cried out his name and he felt cum on his hand and Leo was clenching around him and shaking against him and he couldn’t hold on anymore and thought he’d never stop coming. It seemed like the longest orgasm of his life, like an ocean he was diving through. Leo collapsed beneath him and they lay like that for awhile. Eventually he heard Leo making some kind of sound. It sounded like crying. Shit. He slid himself out of Leo and heard a distinct sob. 

“Leo?” Leo didn’t answer him. He got off of Leo and sat beside him, rubbing his back and feeling miserable. He took Leo’s hand where it curled near his shoulder and held it. He stroked his hair. “Oh baby, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know I was hurting you. I was trying not to. You did so good. It’ll feel better in a minute, you’ll see.” Leo shook his head. Willie didn’t know what else to say. He’d done his best. Suddenly he remembered his Joey-inspired clean-up plan and got up and got the bowl of warm water and the washcloth from the bureau. Well, tepid water, now. He started washing Leo, starting at his neck and working down, being careful to get all the lube off of him. Leo cried harder. Willie checked, but there was no blood anywhere that he could see. He could hardly talk past the lump in his own throat. “Sweetie, if you roll over, I can wash the rest of you.” Leo rolled over but kept an arm across his eyes, though he wasn’t crying as hard now. Willie washed him and cleaned up the sheets as best he could, wiped himself down a bit as well. Then he got a clean flannel sheet and lay down beside him, pulling the sheet up over them both. He put his head on Leo’s chest and kissed it. After a few minutes, he felt Leo’s arm come down around his shoulders. 

“You didn’t hurt me, Willie.” Leo’s voice sounded raw. 

“Oh honey, you can tell me. I’m really sorry.”  
“No. You didn’t. That’s not why I was crying.”  
“No?” 

“No. That felt really good, Will. Thank you.”  
“Oh, Leo.”  
“You were so, so gentle.” Leo started crying again. Willie hadn’t seen Leo this worked up since they were kids. He got up and came back with a glass of water. He sat back against the headboard.

“C’mon, Leo, sit up now. Lean against me. Here, drink the water. It’s OK. Wipe your face on the sheet. Pull yourself together a little. You’ll make yourself sick.” 

“I do make myself sick!”  
“Leo! What, because you did this?”  
“No, because of everything else.”  
“Stop it. You’re a good person, Leo. Drink your water. Take deep breaths.” 

“Willie.”  
“Yes, Leo.”  
“I gotta take a leak.” 

“OK. Go do that. I’ll make us some tea. Let’s go sit in the kitchen. You can take my bathrobe, here.” Leo came out of the bathroom ten minutes later to find Willie dressed in sweatsuit and sitting at the kitchen table. The rape counseling brochures were gone, probably into the trash. There was a cup of tea and a plate of buttered toast waiting for him. The toast was cut into quarters and had the crusts cut off, which almost made Leo start crying again, but he blinked it away. He sat down and looked at Willie, who looked concerned. 

“Are you OK?”  
“Yeah, Will, I’m OK. It was just very emotional.”  
“For me, too, honey. I have some Valium if you want some.”  
“No, no, they’re good emotions, I think.” Leo crunched a piece of toast. “I think a lot of my problems are solved now.”

Willie looked mystified. “You lost me, Leo.”  
“Willie, you were totally amazing.” Willie laughed. “No, I’m completely serious. I didn’t know you loved me so much.”

“What?”

“I mean, you said you loved me, and I believed you, but I didn’t know you loved me so much.” 

“Oh, I love ya, Leo.” 

“I know. Now I know. But I was all like, ‘I love him but what about this and what about that’. Like it was a problem. It’s not a problem. Love is good.” 

“Yes, Leo, love is good.” 

“And all this time we’ve been screwing around, I shoulda been treating you like, like that. But I been bruising you and scaring you and hurting you. I never stop and ask you how it feels. I never work up to it.” 

Willie stared at him, opened his mouth, and shut it again. “Oh, Leo. Don’t.” 

“No, Willie, you don’t. Don’t be a martyr. Tell me the truth. Wouldn’t you like it if it was more like that?” 

“I love having sex with you.”  
“Yeah? How was that kitchen table thing for you? It looked a little white-knuckled.” 

Willie stared at his teacup. “It was nice afterwards. You were breaking up with her cuz of me. I didn’t mind.”

“Think we can do better than not minding it?”  
Willie fidgeted with his teaspoon. “Leo, can you call me good things?”  
“Good things?”  
Willie blushed. “Y’know, sweetie and honey and stuff.”  
Leo laughed and rubbed his hand. “Sure, sweetie. No problem, baby. OK, sugarpie. But not in front of people.”

Willie smiled. “OK.”

“You’re so funny. That’s your big request. Beat me, whip me, but call me honey. You’re so weird, Willie.” 

“I like it, though.” 

“Alright, if you like it, that’s what we’ll do. Listen, did you wanna go dancing with Justin? That’s what he called about, going out dancing. He said I could come too. You said something earlier about going out and doing something fun.” 

“When?”  
“Tonight.”  
“Do you wanna go, Leo?”  
“I like dancing. We don’t have dates though.” 

“Leo?”  
“What? 

“We would be each other’s date. We would dance with each other. Justin is talking about dancing at a gay club. It would be mostly gay people. Good music, though. I mean, we could dance with other people too, if we want. It’s a club. But the other people would be mostly gay men who wanna dance with you cuz you’re so handsome and such a good dancer.” 

“Oh. I probably should have figured that out, huh?”  
“I dunno. Do you still wanna go? It’s pretty fun.”  
“Yeah, fuck it, let’s go. Let’s go out. There’s drinks, right?”  
“Oh yeah.”  
“Call him. I’ll go get dressed.”  
By the time Leo got back to the kitchen, Willie was hanging up the phone. He looked at Leo dubiously. “What?”

“Can I talk to you a minute, Leo? About tonight?”  
“I don’t care if it’s a gay club, Willie. That’s fine.”  
“No, it’s not that. Sit down.”  
Leo sat. “What?”  
“Well, you remember that New Year’s Eve thing where we saw other people?” Leo nodded. “The guy I saw that night is related to Justin. His name is Joey. He’s just a kid. He’s gonna be in this group that’s goin’ out tonight. With his new boyfriend. Do you still wanna go?”

“It was a one-night stand, right, Willie?” 

“Yes.”  
“You’re not in love with him or anything?” 

“No.” 

“Alright then. I’m not that insecure that I have to boycott the guy.” 

“OK, but listen. He’s just a kid, and he’s kind of a wiseass. He might, I dunno, say something.” 

“Why?” 

“Oh, because I snuck out on him after I said I’d stay, which was kind of shitty. And he’d been nice to me. I mean, I don’t know if he even cares, but if he does he might say something. Or he could not even remember. I’m just givin’ you a heads-up.” 

“Alright. I’ll ignore anything weird this kid does, OK?” 

“OK.” 

Leo felt assaulted by the Manhattan tapas restaurant. It was noisy and crowded and too brightly lit and had strong food smells. Willie led him to a corner table where an older man and two young men sat around a crowd of tiny dishes. The older man stood up gracefully. He hugged Willie for a long moment and kissed his cheek. Leo figured that was Justin. Willie walked around the table to the boys and Leo waited for him to greet the preppie perfectly chiseled blond one, but Willie leaned down and kissed the dark and stormy-looking one instead. So that must be Joey. Leo thought he looked like a really young Mr. Spock or some other science fiction person. He didn’t realize he was staring until he felt his hand being shaken. It was the older man. 

“You must be Leo. I’m Justin. We spoke on the phone. It’s so nice to meet you.” 

“Um, yeah, hi.”  
“Come and eat something, Leo. Willie, sit and eat so we can get on with the evening. You two are late, you know.” They sat down and Willie introduced Leo to Joey and Jack. Jack was the blond one. Leo shook their hands. He noticed Joey staring at him curiously and crossed his eyes at him. Joey blushed and looked back at his food. A waiter appeared with menus. Leo looked at his, saw it was in Spanish, and handed it to Willie.

“I have one, Leo.”  
“I can’t read it, Willie. Order for me.” 

“There’s English descriptions.”  
“I don’t understand this food. Just order for me.”  
“What do you want?”  
“I don’t care. You know what I like. I want a beer.” Willie spoke Spanish to the waiter and the beer appeared almost instantly; some brand Leo didn’t recognize, but beer was beer. The others were drinking from a pitcher of wine with fruit in it. Justin started asking Leo about his job and surprisingly knew a lot about the politics of New York City hospitals. They talked about the shortstaffing problem for awhile, and Leo relaxed a little. He could see Justin was making an effort to be nice. Willie was preoccupied with Joey; they were whispering and pinching each other’s legs. Apparently Joey did remember him. Jack was watching them and looked irritated, but Leo just refused to look at them. The food came, and Leo found he had some kind of sausage and fried potatoes. “Willie, what is this?”

“It’s sausage and fried potatoes.”  
“You got me Irish breakfast?”  
“Meat and potatoes, buddy. You’re a meat and potatoes kinda guy. Do you want more beer?”

Leo saw Joey and Jack smirking and felt like Willie was making fun of him in some way, maybe for making him order for him. On the other hand, their food all looked disgusting, and he liked sausage and potatoes. “Yes, please, more beer, Willie.” When the bill came, Leo reached past Justin and put his credit card on it. Justin protested but Leo smiled and said, “We’re sorry we were late and kept you waiting; we were slow getting out of the house. Actually, I was slow and held Willie up.” This last bit was a complete lie, as Willie had spent half an hour deciding what to wear before settling on the clingy black shirt. He saw Willie looking at him, surprised at the lie, or maybe at him picking up the check.

Justin patted Leo’s shoulder. “Well, thank you, Leo, you’re very kind. Let me get the taxi.” 

They piled into a cab and Justin sat in front and directed the driver. It was crowded in the backseat, and Willie sat half on top of Leo, leaning back against him and closing his eyes. Leo wrapped an arm around his waist and wondered what was wrong with him. The cab stopped someplace in midtown; Leo had lost track of where they were going. They all piled out and waited while Justin paid, then went into the club. 

Leo watched Willie and smiled: whatever was wrong with him, the old club transformation was still in working order. Willie always came alive in a club. He swaggered around, got drinks for everyone, and danced like a maniac. It was almost all men on the dancefloor, but Willie flirted with everyone just like he used to in the old days. He danced with strangers. He danced with Leo. He danced with Joey and Jack and Justin. They all danced together. Leo even danced with some strange man for awhile, and was surprised when the guy kissed him before dancing away. 

After an hour or so, Leo felt overwhelmed again. It was too loud to talk or even really think over the thumping of the music and everyone was smiling drunkenly. He wandered off the dancefloor to a small empty table in a relatively quiet corner and sat down, flagging down a passing waiter for another beer. He could see Willie dancing close with Joey. They were laughing and holding hands and kissing. He wondered if Willie knew he was watching. He never looked over. 

Leo’s line of sight was interrupted by a beer bottle being held out to him. He looked up. It was Justin. “Hi, Leo. You taking a break? Mind if I join you?” 

“Hey Justin. Sit down. Thanks for the beer.”  
“Don’t you like dancing?”  
“Yeah, just not as much as Willie does. We used to go all the time when we were kids. Course, then we danced with girls. It’s funny, cuz he’s just the same, flirtin’ with everybody.”

Justin looked surprised. “When you were kids? How long have you known Bill?”

“Since second grade, I think. What’s that, seven? Forever, I guess. What? Why do you look like that?” 

“I’m sorry, Leo, I’m just surprised. I was under the impression you had only recently met.” 

“Well, we were out of touch for awhile.” 

“Oh. Would that be related to this prison thing he mentions when he’s drunk and upset?” 

“Yeah. He did some time. I did too. Not as much as him.” He saw Justin looking at him and smiled. “Grand theft auto. You’re totally safe with me, man.” 

“I have no doubt of that, Leo. I can see now why Willie’s so crazy about you.”  
Leo snorted. “Yeah, sometimes Willie’s just crazy, though.”  
“I suppose it would be horribly rude to ask why he was in prison.”  
Leo looked at him. “You should ask him, Justin. If he hasn’t told you about it, I’m not gonna.”

“No, you’re right.” 

“Ask him though. I mean, not tonight. He likes you. I mean, as a friend. And he needs friends. I mean, not like there’s something wrong with him. I mean, shit. Justin, did he tell you I don’t talk very good about stuff? Cuz I don’t.” 

“He seems to think you can do anything, so no, he didn’t say. But yes, if I am catching your drift correctly, Bill is a friend.” 

“Thanks for talking to him this afternoon. I don’t know what you said, but he was much better after. Him and all his secret shit. Makes me crazy. Thanks for talking to me, too. I was kinda freakin’ out. Sorry about that. I just get worried. Turns out he was just pissed off at me, and that’s why he was hiding in there.” 

“You’re drunk, aren’t you, Leo?”  
“A little. Am I being obnoxious? Tell me, if I am.”  
“No, you’re just chatty.”  
“I started going to counseling, cuz my friend Theresa told me I was drastic, so I went and now I think all these weird things I never thought before. I think Willie should go too. But now that I think about it, Willie already thinks lots of weird things, so maybe he’s right and he doesn’t need to go. What do you think?”

“I don’t think I have enough information to have an opinion. It’s nice that you’re concerned for him though. New thoughts often seem strange at first. Why does your friend think you’re drastic?” 

“Cuz I’m goin’ with Willie. I don’t really go with guys. Just Willie.” 

Willie slid into the chair next to Leo and kissed him. “You better just go with Willie, baby. Do I get a drink? What are you guys talkin’ about?” 

Leo put an arm around him and signaled the waiter. “You’re soakin’ wet, man. Can’t keep up with the kids, huh?” 

“Kept up longer than you, Leo. Were you talkin’ about me?”  
“Yup. Did your ears burn?”  
“I’m burnin, Leo. Burnin’ for your love.” Willie leaned against Leo’s side. “Hi Justin. Why aren’t you dancing?”

“I’ve been talking with Leo. He’s very interesting.”  
“Yes he is, isn’t he?” Willie giggled.  
“He tells me you two have known each other your whole lives.”  
“Oh.” Willie sat up. “Did my drink come yet?”  
“You never told me that, Bill.”  
“Well, every day’s a new day, Justin. Time doesn’t matter. Except when you’re waiting for a drink.” The waiter put a drink in front of him. “Oh thank you, sweetheart. So, Justin, that Jack kid. Is Joey happy with him?”

“Seems to be. Who knows? Joey cycles through things very quickly.” 

“Where’s Don? How come he’s not here?”  
“He is on a business trip in Texas. He will bring home lots of salsa.” 

“I make good salsa. I’ll make you some salsa, Justin.” 

“No, Bill, then I would have too much salsa. But thank you.”  
“Hey, let’s go dance to salsa then. Let’s change clubs and find one with salsa.”  
“I am an old man who is going home soon. You can all go if you want.”  
Leo stood up. Willie grabbed at him. “Where you goin’, sweetie? Stay with me.” 

“I’m gonna go piss, Willie, OK? I’ll be back.”  
“Don’t talk to anyone in there, Leo. They’re all gay.”  
Leo laughed. “Yeah, nobody better try nothin’.” He left the table.  
Willie gulped at his drink and looked narrowly at Justin. “Did you find out what you wanted to know?”

“I don’t know what you mean, dear.”  
“Oh get off it, Justin. He’s drunk and talkin’. Fuckin’ ask me if it’s so important. Leave him alone. He can’t help it that he’s honest.”

“It’s nice that he’s honest, isn’t it?”  
“Yeah, it’s nice in him. He’s nice. But let’s not kid ourselves.”  
“About what?”  
“About who’s nice and who’s not.”  
“Why, who’s not?”  
“I’m not. Jack’s not. And you’re not when you do this creepy prying shit. What is it with you?”

“What’s wrong with Jack?” 

“He’s not a nice guy.”  
“How do you know?”  
Willie shrugged. “I just know.”  
“I really like Leo. He seems like a good man.”  
Willie finished his drink. “Justin, let’s ask you a question for a change.” 

“Shoot.”  
“Why do you even care?”  
“I like you. We’re friends. One cares about one’s friends. One sometimes risks intruding.”

“You talk like a fuckin’ book. One drinks one’s drink to one on one after another.” 

“Well, you have a distinctive speech pattern as well, Bill.”  
“Right. OK, if we’re gonna be friends, you should start callin’ me Will. I’m only Bill at work.”

“OK, Will.” 

Leo returned from the bathroom and announced that Joey and Jack wanted to leave now and were waiting by the coatcheck. “They kinda seemed like they were fighting, actually.” 

Justin shrugged. “They’re probably drunk.”  
Willie laughed. “We’re all drunk. Where’re we going, anyway?”  
Justin shook his head. “I’m going home. I don’t know about the rest of you.”  
Willie looked at Leo pleadingly, but Leo frowned. “No way, Willie. C’mon. Let’s just go back to your place. I was up early this morning. I’m all done.”

“Oh, Leo, doncha wanna stay out and have fun?”  
“We can have fun at your place. C’mon. I’ll take you out next weekend, I promise. I’ll sleep late Saturday and we’ll stay out all night.”

“You promise?”

“I promise. Next Sunday morning I will be drunk in public. I swear to you. Honey.” Willie blushed. “OK, Leo.” 

They collected their coats and the two sullen young men and headed out into the cold fresh air. Joey and Jack walked ahead of the other three as they strolled towards Broadway where there would be more taxis. Leo made them stop at an all-night deli to get water so they wouldn’t be dehydrated. By the time they came out of the deli holding their bottles of water, Joey and Jack were out of sight. “Where did they get to?” Justin asked, peering ahead of them. 

Leo pointed at a dark protrusion at the side of a building. “Is that them? It looks like Jack’s hair.” Willie dropped his water and sprinted towards the couple. 

Leo said “Oh shit,” handed his water to Justin, and took off after him. He saw Willie punch Jack in the ear. Jack stepped heavily sideways and his hands fell away from Joey’s throat. Willie kept punching. Jack started to turn towards him but staggered, and Willie tripped him. Jack fell onto his back, his head banging down hard on the sidewalk. 

Leo had reached them by this time, and he checked Joey, who looked terrified and was holding his throat but was breathing in ragged whistles. Leo turned back to see Willie sitting on Jack’s chest, his knees pinning his arms, and a switchblade at his throat. 

“Like chokin’ people, asshole? Wanna find out how it feels not to breathe?” “Willie! Will!” Leo grabbed his arm. “No, man. Put that away. Let him up.”  
“He’s an asshole.”  
“I know. But you don’t want no trouble, Willie. Let’s go.” Leo took the knife out of Willie’s hand, folded it, and put it in his pocket. He pulled on Willie’s shoulder. “C’mon, man, he’s not worth it.” Willie stood up slowly.

As Willie started to step away, Jack reached out and grabbed his ankle, pulled Willie to his knees and started to roll towards him. He’d only got onto his side when suddenly Leo was there, stomping furiously. Leo kicked Jack savagely half a dozen times, mostly in the ribs, muttering “Don’t fuckin’ touch him, you piece of shit.” Jack rolled into a ball and made retching noises. 

Leo turned around to see Justin helping Willie to his feet. “You OK, Willie?”  
“Yeah. Scraped my knee. And my hand.”  
Leo walked over to him. “Gimme your lighter.” He held the flame over Willie’s palm, and then squatted down to inspect his knee. “You ripped your pants. There’s dirt in there from the sidewalk, but I don’t see any glass. We’ll clean ‘em up good when we get to your house.”

Leo walked over to where Justin stood with an arm around Joey. “And you. Put your hands down and lemme see that neck.” He held the lighter near Joey’s throat. There were blue and yellow fingermarks. “Looks like it’s a little swollen. Are you breathin’ OK?” Joey nodded. “Say somethin’.” Joey made a croaking sound. “OK, maybe he bruised your vocal cords, too. You can see a doctor, but they’re just gonna tell you to rest it. I’d wait a few days; it’ll probably get better on its own.” 

Leo turned away and then stopped and turned to face Joey again. “And Joey? I gotta tell you somethin’. I know you and Willie had a little thing, and he was flirtin’ with you all night, and that’s probably why this piece a shit went after you to start with. But don’t go gettin’ any ideas on this. Willie’s with me now. You do anything that interferes with that? I’ll rip your fuckin’ guts out, swear to god. You understand? I know your throat hurts; you can just nod if you understand me.” Joey nodded, his eyes wide. Leo patted his shoulder. “Good. OK. We gotta find a taxi.” 

He turned to find Willie standing at his shoulder, looking subdued. He put his arm around Willie’s shoulders. “D’ja catch all that, Willie?” Willie nodded. “So you’re gonna stay away from him and save his life, right?” Willie nodded again. “Willie?” 

“Yes, Leo.” 

“OK, here, take your knife back. It’s your concealed weapon, not mine. You shouldn’t even be carrying it around. What were you thinkin’? You know cops just need some bullshit excuse to hassle you. Don’t carry it no more. Anyway, you had him down before you even got 

the knife out. You don’t need it. In fact, here, give it back to me to carry till we get home. Now I’m nervous about it. You didn’t cut him, did you?” 

“No.”  
“OK, who’s going to Brooklyn?”  
Justin had helped Jack to his feet, though he remained hunched over clutching his stomach. “I think you two are the only ones going to Brooklyn. Perhaps you ought to go on ahead. Jack is going to slow us down a bit.”

“Yeah, you oughta leave him here. And take his fuckin’ money.” 

“Well, we’ll just see him into a cab. No need to be uncivilized. We don’t want him to freeze to death crawling to the corner.” 

“Do you need help with him?” 

“No, I think Joey and I can manage. The fight seems to have gone right out of him now.” 

“OK, well, Joey, you take care of yourself. Justin, it was nice to meet you. Sorry it got a little violent there.” 

“Goodnight, Leo. And goodnight, Will. I’ll see you at work.”  
Willie waved. “Yeah, bye, Justin. Thanks for inviting us. It was fun.”  
Leo and Willie were silent in the taxi, and silent in Willie’s apartment. Willie got a beer from the fridge and flopped on the couch to watch cartoons while Leo went into the kitchen and used Willie’s phone to check his voicemail. Theresa had called. She probably wanted to know how things had gone with the counselor, but it was too late to call her now. Nothing from his aunt. He hung up the phone and looked in the trashbin under the sink. As he’d suspected, there were the rape support group brochures. At least Willie hadn’t ripped them up. And even if he had, Leo had another dozen of them in his bookbag.

He got himself a beer and looked at the brochure while he tried to figure out where to put it so Willie wouldn’t just fly into a rage at the sight of it. The cover had an earnest-looking blonde woman in a plain white t-shirt making a hopeful face. Leo thought about it. Willie had never really gone for blondes, and he probably wouldn’t think he had much in common with this woman. Leo scanned the inside of it. It said, “It doesn’t matter where you were, or what you did before, it’s not your fault.” He saw what they meant, but he could see how it seemed kind of offtrack if you were talking about prison, because everything in prison is about where you are and what you did before. The next section said, “You didn’t ask for it.” Thing is, he thought, Diego probably did make him ask for it. Now there’s a guy should get his guts ripped out. Leo crumpled the brochure up into a ball, imagining it was Diego’s guts. He threw it back in the trash. 

Willie was right about the support groups. He needed to talk to someone about what happened to him, not general advice about self-esteem. Leo pondered various ways to blackmail Willie into counseling, but he wasn’t sure it would work if Willie’s heart wasn’t in it. He might just sit there and lie to the guy. Leo sighed and stood up, then saw Tia Consuela’s St. Jude card on the table. He picked it up and put it in his wallet. He was gonna need all the help he could get. 

He walked into the living room where Willie was half-asleep on the couch, a cigarette burning between his fingers. He turned the TV off and took the cigarette away and stubbed it out. “C’mon, Willie.” Willie sighed and struggled to his feet. Leo led him to the bathroom and turned the shower on. “Take your clothes off, Will.” He stripped out of his own clothes and found Willie peering owlishly at his shirt buttons. His knuckles looked a little swollen from punching. Leo unbuttoned him and helped him out of the rest of his clothes and put his watch on the edge of the sink. He checked that the shower was warm and then helped Willie into it, watching that he didn’t slip. He washed Willie’s hair, smelling the cigarette smell more than usual after the smoky club. He rubbed some soap on a washcloth and washed as much of Willie as he could reach, then made him lean against the shower wall so he could get down and clean up his scratched knee.

“Oww, Leo.”  
“I’m getting the dirt out so it doesn’t get infected.”  
“Hurry.”  
“Toughen up.” He finished and washed and shampooed himself as quickly as he could. 

Willie played with the shampoo bubbles, putting little bubble balls on Leo’s nose and laughing. “You’re goofy, Will.” 

“You’ve got a bubble nose. You’re goofy.” Leo rinsed them off and turned the water off. He guided Willie out of the tub and onto the bathmat, then dried him off, rubbing his wet hair with the towel till it all stood on end. Willie leaned against Leo and smiled. “Makes my brain tickle. Do it again.” Leo rubbed his head some more, then backed him over to the toilet and sat him down. He rummaged through the medicine cabinet. 

“Willie, where’s your bandages and stuff?” 

“Don’t have any.”  
“Not even bandaids?”  
“I don’t know.” 

“What do you do if you cut yourself?”  
“I didn’t cut myself.”  
“And what’s this shit? Valium, Percoset, Oxycontin? Do you have prescriptions for all of these?”

“Hands off my drugs, Leo.” 

“Alright, fine. I’ll get some bandages in the morning. You’re all done here, go to bed. I already turned the sheets down.” 

“Aren’t you coming too?”  
“Yeah, in a minute, I gotta dry my own hair now, OK?”  
Willie wandered off to the bedroom muttering “buzz brain buzz buzz brain” under his breath. Leo retrieved his pants from the floor and put the bottle of Oxycontin into the pocket. He dumped the Valium out into a towel, counted out six, and put them back in the bottle, then did the same for the Percoset. He wrapped all the pills from the towel inside a wad of toilet paper and put them in the pocket with the Oxycontin. He picked up the pants and the rest of his clothes and headed for the door.

Willie called from the bedroom. “Leo? Did you leave?” 

Leo raised his voice. “No, Will, I’m here. Be right there.” He sighed and put his clothes down. He got the wad of toilet paper and put all the pills back in their proper bottles. Apparently Willie had a lot of anxiety and pain, and who was Leo to tell a grown man what drugs to take for that? Bad enough he was turning out to be gay, apparently, but if he turned into a drug czar things would just be too weird. He was keeping the Oxycontin though, cuz that stuff was fucking addictive. It also sold well on the street, and the last thing Willie needed was a temptation to make easy illegal cash. He had a vision of Willie busted by some righteous music store manager for some crap prescription drug peddling charge, then being found with a switchblade and ending up back in jail on a parole violation. Willie was supposed to be the smart one, but sometimes he just went into that “buzz brain” thing. Whatever that meant. Shit. 

He went out to the living room and shoved his clothes into his backpack, then returned to the bedroom. Willie looked asleep. Leo got in beside him and reached over him for the light switch. Willie flinched; his hands came up and his eyes snapped open. Leo sighed and kissed his cheek. “It’s me, Will. Go to sleep.” He turned the light out and felt Willie snuggling against him. Leo kissed his head. His little goofy knife-wielding drug-abusing broke ex-con flinching dancing boyfriend. Who had fucked him. Nicely, so he’d like it. Leo realized he hadn’t even been using the word boyfriend in his head until today. Made sense, really. As much as any of this made sense. None of it made sense, really. Leo sighed again. Love is good, he told himself as he drifted off. You love him, it’s good. Maybe he could see the counselor twice this week.

 

  


**One week later, 8 pm Sunday night**

  


“Leo?” Willie yelled, kicking the apartment door shut behind him and heading for the bedroom with the bag of clean laundry. 

“What?” Leo yelled from the living room.  
“Do you want me to cook or do you wanna go out to eat?”  
“I don’t care.”  
Willie sorted through the laundry and put Leo’s things in a separate bag so he could take them when he left, which Willie hoped would be in the morning rather than later tonight. He should probably cook then, giving Leo even less of an excuse to leave the warm apartment. Just as he’d promised, Leo had stayed out late with him last night, drinking and dancing and drinking some more. Sometime early this morning they had ended up, on a whim, going bowling at the 24-hour lanes, which had been kind of funny. Willie had won, drunk as he was, because Leo didn’t like to slide. Then they’d come back here and crashed and slept most of the day. Leo had been studying when Willie had left for the laundry, but he must be taking a TV break.

Willie headed down the hall to join him, but stopped when he heard the woman moaning. He must have forgotten to take his porno tape out of the VCR on Friday; he’d been pretty zonked after drinking with people from work. Willie detoured to the kitchen and got a soda and smoked a cigarette. The moaning went on, getting louder. Apparently Leo was in no hurry to turn it off. This sounded like the part where the fishermen caught the women divers in their nets and hauled them into the boat and fucked them. He actually thought it was pretty funny that they used the theme music from Jaws. Willie wondered if Leo was jacking off. And if he was, would he rather be left alone or would he rather have company? He decided to stirfry the chicken and started mincing garlic. If Leo was jacking off, would that make him more or less likely to want to have sex later? Leo hadn’t made a move towards him since asking Willie to fuck him last weekend. That was technically over a week ago now. Just the sound of the screaming climaxes in the next room was making him horny, and the notion of Leo jacking off was an added bonus. Willie filed that mental image away for the next time he watched this tape. He put the knife down and walked quietly to the point in the hallway where he could see into the living room. Shit, Leo was just sitting there looking concerned. 

Willie walked into the living room and sat down. “Hey. I’m starting dinner. Do you want anything to drink?” 

Leo turned the TV off. “No thanks.” 

“Why’d you turn it off? You’ll miss the joke at the end. The girls all do that fishing thing, y’know, with their hands? It was this big?” 

“Is it yours?”  
“Yeah. Do ya wanna borrow it?”  
“No.”  
“Do you want something else? I don’t have much, but the guy downstairs has tons. I can go borrow some from him if you want; he doesn’t mind. He’s got lots of hardcore and bondage stuff. I’ve only got another one like this, actually the same people in Deeper She Divers, and one that’s all oral, and one girls on girls.” Leo just looked at him. Willie smiled salaciously. “Sometimes, though, you just can’t beat Xena. Wanna watch Xena? I taped a whole bunch of them.”

“Will, I need to make a phonecall. I’m going into the bedroom and do that now.” 

“OK. Should I hold up dinner?”  
“No. Cook away.”  
“Do you wanna know what we’re havin’?” 

“I don’t care.” Leo grabbed his cellphone and headed for the bedroom. A few seconds later he stuck his head back through the doorway. “I’m sure whatever you’re cooking will be great. That’s what I meant. You’re a good cook.” Then he went back to the bedroom and shut the door. 

Willie went back to the kitchen and started the rice. Mysterious phonecalls brought on by exposure to porn. Willie took a deep breath and told himself not to panic. It was probably something totally normal about his work schedule for tomorrow or something. Willie saw his hand shaking and put the knife down. No need to test out all the new first aid supplies Leo had put in his medicine cabinet. He thought he could probably handle the injuries of a small gang war now. He had noticed that his heaviest painkillers were missing, but he figured Leo had freaked and taken them away from him. Willie realized he hadn’t taken any of those since Christmas. It was like the nightmares. They were so much better when he slept next to Leo. It was like his brain remembered Leo was there and the nightmares didn’t come, or even if they did, they weren’t so bad. He’d been worried at first that he would wake up yelling while Leo was there, but it hadn’t happened. This was probably one of those counseling things Leo kept talking about. No, he was definitely not going to say anything about the sex. He was here in the outside world, he was cooking chicken, there was ice cream in the freezer, Leo was with him, and he could just jack off in the shower after dinner and everything would be fine. It would all work out. He picked up the knife again and went back to chopping peppers and onions. 

The rice was almost done when Leo came out and sat at the table. “It’ll be ready in a few minutes,” Willie informed him. 

“OK. I’ll get the plates.” 

“There’s beer in the fridge. Get me one too.” Willie liked Leo walking around him in the small kitchen, gathering plates and utensils. He scooped the food into serving bowls and brought them out to the table. They sat down to dinner. 

“It smells good, Will.” 

“It’s the onions.” Willie watched Leo eat. Leo kept his rice in a nice white pile on one side of his plate and his stir fry on the other, taking separate bites from each pile. “Leo, why don’t you put your chicken on your rice and eat them together? That’s the whole point of it.” 

“I like it this way. I don’t like things touching.” 

“Well, do you want something for your rice? I didn’t think you were going to eat it separate or I would have dressed it up for you.” 

“No, thanks, I like it this way, actually. Usually you put lots of stuff in it. I like plain rice.” 

“Well, you should have said. I would have made it plain for you.”  
“No, it’s fine. You don’t have to make it special.”  
“Leo, I’m making it for you. I may as well make it how you like it.”  
“But you shouldn’t make it for me. You should just make what you like. I can always get takeout.”

“But that’s stupid. And anyway, I do make what I like.”  
“I’m not stupid!”  
“I didn’t mean you were. I’m sorry. I just don’t see the point of sending for takeout when there’s food here.” Willie felt like this conversation was going badly. He should please himself and not worry about pleasing Leo? Cuz he’d just get takeout? What was takeout? Theresa?

Leo was looking directly at him. “I just don’t want you to have anything you don’t like just because you think I’ll like it.” 

Willie put his fork down. He said cautiously, “You’ve never asked me to have anything I didn’t like.” Leo was frowning like he didn’t understand. Willie tried to be clearer. “Do you like what I’ve been giving you? I don’t want you to have to pretend to enjoy anything, either, Leo.” Willie felt suddenly frightened. He was getting clammy and breathing too fast. He hoped he wasn’t going to puke. Leo was staring at him. He got up and walked to the sink in the kitchen, wiping his face on his sleeve.

“Will? Are you OK?” Leo was pushing his chair back, looking concerned. “Answer me,” Willie whispered.  
“What?”  
“Do you like it?” 

“The food?” Willie felt tears starting. Suddenly Leo was hugging him. “What? Will, honey, I love your food. Here, look.” He led Willie back to the table. “See? I’ll mix the rice in. It’s good that way. You’re right.” Leo grabbed his fork and mixed all his rice into his stirfry, then hugged Willie again. “OK?” Willie felt confused. He seemed to be laughing and crying at the same time. Leo was talking in his soothing voice. “Calm down, baby. Do you want me to get you a Valium?” 

Willie shook his head. “No, I’m OK. Sorry.” He rested his head on Leo’s shoulder, burying his face in his neck and smelling him. He smelled good, like soap and Leo. 

Leo rubbed his back. “What’s with you?”  
Willie laughed weakly. “I thought you were talking about sex.”  
“When? Just now?” Leo sounded so puzzled Willie laughed again.  
“Yeah.”  
“I was talking about dinner. I didn’t want you to do extra work. I feel bad you cooked and did laundry while I lounged around.”

“You weren’t lounging. You were studying for your exam.”  
“How’d you get sex out of that?”  
Willie sounded sheepish. “I thought you didn’t like the food to touch because you didn’t like us to touch, and maybe we didn’t like the same things, and getting takeout meant you wanted to see other people.”

Leo sounded amazed. “You thought I was saying all that?”  
“Yeah.”  
“God, you’re like a poem with the metaphors, Willie. You just see sex in everything.” 

“I’m really horny, Leo.” There, he’d said it.  
Leo was silent a moment and then said flatly, “Are ya?”  
Willie shivered and pressed against him. “Yeah.”  
Leo pushed him gently away and looked into his face seriously. “Can it wait till after dinner? Cuz I am actually hungry.”

Willie smiled at him. “Yeah, OK.”  
Leo pulled away and went back to the table. “So that really wasn’t about the food?” 

“No.”  
“OK, I’m dumping this mixed in stuff and getting more with the plain rice. Thank god, I thought I was gonna have to eat it that way.”

“Don’t dump it. I’ll eat it. Get yourself another plate.”

  
They ate in fairly comfortable silence. Leo could feel Willie’s legs brushing against his under the table, and Willie kept smiling at him. It was making him nervous. He looked at his food. Mike had said he didn’t need two counseling appointments; he just needed to start asking himself questions like Mike would ask. So why was he nervous? He stifled a sigh. Because Willie would wanna fuck him again. Not that he hadn’t liked it, like, an embarrassing amount of liking it. He still couldn’t believe Willie’d done that tongue thing. But he hadn’t expected all that intense emotional stuff. And Willie was already weepy about sex or food or who knew what the fuck, so things were already emotional. Leo wasn’t sure he was up for that kind of intensity. He suspected he could beg off tired and offer some half-assed hand job and Willie would still say it was great and then go watch cartoons and cry to himself. Or watch his porn and jack off. Leo had been interested to discover the straight porn; he hadn’t been sure Willie still liked normal stuff. It was kind of a turn-on to think of Willie jacking off. He considered that he could ask him to let him watch while he did, and he probably would. He remembered they’d done stuff like that sometimes in junior high school, but they’d been mostly talking about girls when they did. He wished Willie hadn’t done that whole shivery horniness announcement because now he felt pressured, like he was running out of time when he still needed to think more about stuff. He hadn’t thought about junior high in ages, for instance, which was kinda weird. They finished dinner and Leo cleared the table. He’d just started running hot water into the dishpan when Willie reached around him and turned the water off. “I’ll do them later,” Willie said, wrapping an arm around Leo’s waist.

“But you cooked. I should do them.”

  
“There’s other stuff you should do.” Willie moved his hand down to Leo’s crotch.

  
Leo wiggled away and flicked water at him. “Jeez, Will, I’m not goin’ nowhere. This’ll take two minutes.” Willie dropped his hands to his sides, bit his lip, and walked to the living room. Leo heard the TV go on and then go off again. Willie reappeared and sat at the table. Christ, he’s gonna watch me do the dishes, Leo thought. He snuck a look over at the table. Willie was just sitting there, his elbows on his knees, looking at his hands. Waiting, apparently. In the old days, Willie would have been chatting and joking while he waited. He used to be kind of bubbly sometimes.

“Hey Willie, don’t just sit there, talk to me.”  
“I wouldn’t wanna distract you from the dishes. They’re very important.”  
Leo sensed that he was out of time. He dried his hands and turned around. Willie was still staring at his hands, or possibly through them to the floor. Leo saw that he was blushing. He’s freaked out too, Leo realized. Possibly more so since he’s the one had that bizarre weepy spell. Leo didn’t know what to say to him, and then had the cheering thought that Willie didn’t feel like talking anyway. He walked to the table, took one of Willie’s hands and dragged him to his feet. Willie looked at him warily. Leo said, “You’re right. Later’s good.” He took a step towards the hallway. Willie smiled and slipped his fingers inside the waistband of Leo’s jeans and followed him into the bedroom.

Leo had anticipated a long slow build-up like before, but Willie wasn’t in a slow mood. Leo had his shirt off and was fumbling with his pants when Willie pushed his hands away from his fly and undid them, pushing them down and helping him out of them. He never saw Willie’s clothes come off; suddenly they were just in a pile on the floor. Willie pushed him backwards onto the bed and climbed on top of him, kissing and stroking, his hard dick pressing against Leo’s stomach. Willie bit his shoulder hard enough to hurt, and Leo wondered what had happened to mellow reggae-loving backrub man. This aggression was making him more nervous, though he wasn’t actually afraid. He’d talked to Mike about being nervous, and Mike had said emotional sex was a good thing and that maybe he was just feeling excited rather than nervous. Willie’s face looked dark and thundery, and Leo thought for a fleeting moment that Mike was an idiot. Leo decided to get it over and reached across Willie to the nightstand for the lube and condoms, but when he opened the drawer his hand encountered only soft fabric. 

He wrestled Willie underneath him and knelt up, pinning Willie down with a knee. He looked inside the drawer, recognizing with surprise his Rangers hockey jersey. He’d thought the laundry lost it. He’d yelled at the laundry guy earlier this week, ranting and raving, and located another laundry to patronize in the future. But why was it in Willie’s drawer? And why had Willie not mentioned it to him when he’d bitched about the lost shirt for a good ten minutes during a midweek phone call? Movement beneath his knee called his attention to the way Willie was grinding himself against the bed. Now was clearly not the time for laundry questions. Leo suppressed a hysterical laugh. First he delays heading to bed with dishwashing, now he considers interrupting sex with laundry issues. I’m so nervous, he thought. 

He found the lube and condoms under the jersey and handed them to Willie, letting him up and lying down beside him on his stomach. Willie sat up and looked down at him in surprise. Then he reached down and stroked Leo’s hair for a moment. Leo closed his eyes. He was so turned on and so nervous at once that it was confusing. He felt Willie applying lube to him and spread his legs a little more, feeling as he did so a rush of emotions like an assault. He knew he was trembling. He felt too vulnerable, emotionally, physically, every way he could think of. Willie was holding his hand and urging him onto his knees. He felt him kissing his back. Then Willie was pushing inside of him, not violently but very insistently, without the whole licking fingering preamble of last time.

Leo felt trapped, pinned, and tried desperately to relax as Willie started fucking him, his hips and balls slapping against him. It hurt, and Leo felt panicked. He kept trying to relax into it but every other stroke or so hit his prostate making him jump and Willie was like some kind of jackhammer and he couldn’t breathe. He could hear Willie muttering in Spanish and thought, he’s not even talking to me. He heard himself sob and clutched at Willie’s hand, confused by his own feelings. Willie sunk all the way into him and stopped, his body warm against Leo’s. Leo trembled and tried to accept all of it, to let it be OK to feel so full, some foreign thing inside him. It’s only Willie, he thought, it’s Willie’s dick, it’s nothing bad. His own cock was bobbing with his heartbeat and his ears were ringing. “Willie?” He could hear tears in his own voice. 

“Leo.” Willie was stroking his back all the way to his hip over and over, like he was gentling a nervous animal. “Shhh, Leo. I’m fucking you. Be fucked. Don’t just relax. Want it.” 

“Will, I can’t do it,” he choked out. He was frankly crying now, feeling helpless and dominated. 

“You’re doing it now, honey. Feel me inside of you? I’m all the way inside of you, Leo.” Willie punctuated this last statement with a flick of his hips that made starbursts behind Leo’s closed eyes, though he didn’t know if they were from pain or pleasure. “Now, Leo, here’s the thing. You gotta want me here. Here’s where I belong, right? Deep inside of you. All the way inside. Deep inside where you love me.” Willie moved his hips again and Leo moaned. “Do you love me, Leo?” Leo thought he might pass out. He wished Willie would go back to fucking him silently in Spanish and not this short sharp moves and what he was saying. Willie was moving back and forth deep inside him, barely withdrawing, just moving over the same spot again and again. Then he stopped again, deeper than before if that was even possible. Leo sobbed. “Do you love me, Leo?” 

“Yes,” he croaked. “Yes, I love you.” As he said it he felt his hysteria ebb a little. It was true. 

“Now, Leo,” Willie crooned, though Leo could hear how husky his voice was getting. “Leo, I love you too. So much. So I’m teaching you. Willie’s college.” Leo could hear him smiling and squeezed his hand again. “Talk to me, Leo. How do I feel there inside you? Where you love me?” 

“It hurts.” 

“Yes, I hurt you. Does it only hurt, Leo?” Willie’s voice shook and he moved slightly inside him again, and Leo felt suddenly desperate to feel him thrusting. “Only hurt? Nothing else?” 

Leo felt incoherent. He pushed back against Willie. “Like it. Move.” 

Willie didn’t move. “Oh, now you like it. Yes, it feels good. At the same time. It hurts and feels good. Like me in your life, Leo.” 

“Willie, fuck me, please.” He hadn’t even known he would say that. He had no defenses left. Willie withdrew until just the head of his cock remained in Leo. Leo sighed and waited then pushed back when he felt Willie thrusting into him. He started to find a rhythm. 

Willie said “Good, Leo, good,” and Leo felt praised and loved. He stopped thinking about whether it hurt and only felt it, heat building inside of him, like something would explode. Willie’s thrusts were no longer intrusive, but a downbeat he could count on in the general commotion. Willie shifted and hit his prostate at a different angle and Leo howled in pleasure, clawing at the sheets, and in a few strokes more he was coming and yelling something but Willie was still going and never let go of his hips.

Leo felt so overstimulated and could hear himself stammering God God God over and over. There was banging and thumping. There was a hoarse cry and Willie spasmed against him, clutching at his waist, and in a few moments Leo could feel him shrinking inside him. His legs were shaking but he remained bent up on his knees until Willie withdrew from him. Leo felt suddenly abandoned somehow and stretched his legs out, rolling onto his back. He felt strange and warm and sore, much more so than the first time. He looked at Willie, feeling somewhat awed, and was almost surprised Willie just looked like he always did. He is so handsome, though, thought Leo. “You’re so handsome, Willie.” 

Willie smiled at him crookedly and snuggled up next to him, throwing an arm across him. “No, you’re handsome, Leo.” There was more banging from the wall behind the headboard. Leo jumped. Willie laughed. “Neighbors.” 

Leo covered his eyes with his hand. “I was loud.” 

Willie pulled his hand down and held it. “I like it when you’re loud. Don’t mind them. Next time you come here, they’ll all look at you like they know why you’re really here. I’m glad you yelled ‘Willie, fuck me,’ it made me sound so macho.” 

“Did I yell that? I thought I just said it.” 

“Oh Leo, you were outta control.” Leo was quiet. “Did you like it, honey? Being out of control?” 

“Yeah.”  
“Good. I like it too.”  
“You were kinda macho.”  
“Did you like it?”  
“Yeah. I just couldn’t think up any words. So many words, Will. I can’t think when you do that. I get overwhelmed.”

“Good. That’s the point. I love how emotional you are.”  
Leo smiled. “I always think you’re the emotional one.”  
“No, I’m macho!” Willie laughed.  
“I’m supposed to be the tough one.”  
Willie interlaced their fingers. “We’re both macho and we’re both emotional. Probably other stuff too.”

Leo thought that sounded like something Mike would say, but kept the thought to himself, since Willie hated him to mention Mike or counseling. He rubbed his thumb over Willie’s knuckles. He felt tongue-tied and enormously tender, like Willie was the sweetest, prettiest, most delicate thing in the world, and he frowned because his ass was still sore and he was looking right at Willie who just looked like himself, unshaven, scar-marked, tousled, and a little sweatier than usual after all that fucking. He smelled like garlic and cigarettes and sex. Leo considered that this entire building smelled like weird food in this weird neighborhood where you hardly heard any English. Just as well that he wouldn’t understand whatever the neighbors said to him on his way in and out.

Leo turned onto his side and ran his other hand through Willie’s hair. He kissed him, running his tongue along the edges of his teeth and liking how Willie’s tongue followed his around. He ran his hand down Willie’s back to his ass, stroking along the crack of his butt. Willie shivered against him. Oh, I am turning so gay, Leo thought, and then mentally shrugged. Kinda late to worry about it now, he figured. He whispered in Willie’s ear so it would buzz and make him scrunch his shoulders, “I wanna make love again, honey.” Willie kissed him fiercely. Leo broke away from the kiss and started moving down Willie’s body, stopping to lick at his nipples and graze his teeth lightly along his ribs. He could feel Willie’s cock hardening under his hands, and heard him breathing harder. He loved how easy it was to excite him again. He licked the length of Willie’s cock a couple of times and took just the head into his mouth, swirling his tongue. Willie sighed.

Leo knelt up and looked at Willie, who looked gravely back at him but seemed calm and happy. Leo took Willie’s hand and tugged it across his body and Willie turned over compliantly, raising himself to his knees. Leo knelt beside him, reaching below Willie to stroke his cock some more. Willie shifted a little as he turned his head to look at Leo kneeling beside him. “Close your eyes, Will.” They closed. Leo didn’t want anyone looking while he did this, if he was gonna do it, even Willie, though obviously Willie would know, but it wasn’t the same as looking. Leo rubbed Willie’s ass for a few seconds. He took a deep breath and told himself it was good to try new things. Then he leaned over and stuck his tongue in Willie’s ass. 

He was amazed at the immediate reaction. Willie squealed and squirmed away from him, though he stayed up on his knees. Leo considered. Willie’ eyes were still closed, though he was biting his lip really hard. He reached underneath Willie and grabbed his opposite hip, pulling him close again and holding him there. He reapplied his tongue, moving it around a little more. He could hear Willie having some kind of Spanish freakout and he was kicking his feet a lot but he wasn’t pulling away and Leo could feel his hard-on brushing against his forearm, so he kept at it. It was fairly gross, he decided, especially the weird hairs against his lips, but not as bad as a lot of stuff he saw at work everyday, and it was worth it to get this kind of  
reaction. It was amazing really how far in his tongue could go. Of course that was partly because Willie was squirming towards him now and twitching steadily around his tongue. 

He could hear Willie talking English now, pleading with him to stop it Leo and to fuck him Leo, his voice gone all breathless, but one of the best parts of this whole situation was that Leo really couldn’t be expected to talk. Willie brushed against his arm when he reached down to touch himself, and Leo pulled his tongue out. Willie was saying please and por favor interchangeably and incoherently, though his spread ass was begging even more eloquently. Leo thought he was crying a little too, though not in that grim hurt way. He found the lube and a friggin’ condom and heard Willie whimper happily at the slickness. Leo entered him and Willie stopped whimpering and only sighed. Leo grabbed Willie’s waist and pulled him up a bit, then toppled them sideways so they were spooned together, still connected. Willie curled his legs up and Leo started stroking into him, slowly and deeply. He felt Willie reaching back to touch his neck and wrapped an arm around his chest, circling a nipple with a fingernail. From what he could see of Willie’s face, he looked ecstatic, and he was making guttural little noises. Leo felt his own excitement mounting but he tried to pace himself until Willie said “faster faster” and he sped up. Willie got louder and Leo was grunting himself and then the banging on the wall started again. Leo could feel Willie laughing in his arms and grinned, then buried his head on Willie’s shoulder and focused on his impending climax. Willie pulled Leo’s hand down and wrapped it around his own wet erection. Leo ran his thumb around its tip as best he could in his distraction. He thought they actually came together; they cried out at the same time anyway; he heard Willie say “I love you.” 

They lay there together for a long time. Willie put his legs down a little as Leo shrank inside him, but Leo was in no big hurry to pull out. He kissed Willie’s neck and sniffed at him, like Willie was some cub that belonged to him. Willie was kissing his hands and rubbing his arms and sniffling. Leo wished it could just be like this all the time. He was so happy that he knew that wasn’t bad sniffling and he wasn’t confused about anything and that his heart was slowing down to normal and he felt so good and that he’d made Willie happy. He thought maybe he was a lot smarter in that happy space after sex than any other time of his life. He wondered if he would just fall asleep sideways in the bed like this, covered in cum and lube. He didn’t care. He had a vision of getting stuck to Willie overnight and having to call for help in the morning and explaining that to the neighbors, like one of Willie’s crazy cartoons. He giggled. 

“What?” Willie whispered. “Your cartoons.” 

“What?” 

“If we don’t move, we’ll stick together like people in your cartoons, and in the morning your neighbors will have to come unstick us.” 

Willie snickered. “First they’ll take photos, though.” 

“I don’t wanna move.” 

“Me neither.”  
“I’m kinda thirsty though.”  
“OK. Lemme up then.” He pulled out of Willie and smiled again when they both sighed. 

Willie twisted in his arms and buried his face in Leo’s chest. Leo hugged him tightly. “What, sweetie?” 

“I just love you so much, Leo.”  
“I love you too. It’s kinda scary.”  
Willie kissed him. “I feel so lucky and I keep trying not to get my hopes up too much.” 

“What are you hoping for, Will?”  
“That my life will be better now.”  
Leo ran his fingertips down the side of Willie’s face. “That’s good.”  
“What are you scared of?”  
“Just so much change. Like if people at work ask about my weekend and I say ‘I hung out with my boyfriend’ and then it’s like, god, I have a boyfriend, how did that happen?”

Willie’s eyes were unreadable. “I’m gonna get you a drink, Leo. What do you want? Water? Tea? Soda? Beer?”

“Just water.”

Willie left the room and headed for the bathroom. Leo got up and straightened out the bedclothes, turning them down and plumping up the pillows. He found the tube of lube where it had fallen on the floor and returned it to the nightstand drawer. The hockey jersey was still in there. He took it out and looked at it. It looked fine though it smelled pretty rank. He folded it and put it at the foot of the bed so Willie could explain it. Then he headed for the bathroom himself. When he came back, Willie was sitting up in bed drinking from a glass of ice water and holding out another one for him. The shirt was gone. Leo got into bed and took his water. It was good and cold. Willie was snuggling under his arm but not looking at him. 

“What happened to my shirt?” Willie was silent. “Will?”  
“Can we please not talk about it now?”  
He looked upset, Leo thought. What was so upsetting about a shirt, and why was it a big secret? Why would he have stolen Leo’s shirt anyway? It wouldn’t even fit him. What would Mike say? Mike would ask what was more important, how upset Willie was or how curious Leo was. Leo considered that he really didn’t care that much about that shirt. “Will, you can have the shirt if you want it. It’s fine, keep it. I just don’t understand why you didn’t tell me you had it when I told you all about my fight with the laundry guy.”

“I can’t explain it.”  
Leo remembered the long talk with Mike about boundaries. “OK, honey.”  
Willie squeezed Leo’s hand. “Can we go to sleep now?”  
Leo put his finger under Willie’s chin and turned his face so he could look at him. He kissed him gently. “Will, listen to me.” “What?”

“Your life is gonna get better.”  
Willie hugged him. “You’re already making it better.” “OK. You too. Put the light out and go to sleep.”

 

  


**2 weeks later**

  


The shrilling of the phone startled Leo out of sleep. He looked at the alarm clock: after 2 am. Nothing good about 2 am phone calls. He sat up and answered it anyway. “Hello?” 

“Leo!” He recognized Willie, who was sobbing. 

“Willie, where are you? What’s wrong?” Leo was reaching for his pants and looking for his shoes. Was he in jail? Was he in the hospital? He just kept crying. “Willie, where are you? What happened?” 

Willie said something drawn out with crying that sounded like “home.” “Are you hurt?”  
The next word was clearly “no.”  
“Did someone die?” More crying. “Willie, who died?” 

He deciphered “no one.” Leo started to relax a little. Maybe this was just an emotional emergency. He shifted his voice so it sounded more soothing. “OK, sweetie, you gotta calm down a little cuz I can hardly understand you. I want you to take a coupla deep breaths and maybe get a drink of water. I’ll wait for you to do that, OK?”

Leo heard gulping and swallowing and noseblowing. He rolled his eyes and brought the phone out to the kitchen where he poured himself a glass of milk and sat at the table. Finally Willie said “hi” a little more clearly. “You back now, honey?”

“Yeah.”  
“You wanna tell me what’s wrong?”  
“It was just a bad dream. I feel better now I hear your voice.”  
“OK, good. It must have been a pretty bad dream.”  
“It was.”  
“Did you put the lights on?”  
“Yeah.”  
“Do you wanna tell me what you dreamed?”  
“I was back in jail. With Diego. He was gonna do stuff to me. He said he killed you.” Willie started crying again.

“Oh, Willie, honey. It didn’t happen. No one killed me. I’m totally fine. I’m sitting in my kitchen now drinking a glass of milk and talking to you. Everything’s OK.”

“I’m sorry.” He’d calmed down to just sniffling again.  
“No, it’s OK. You can call me. It sounds like a really bad dream. If I dreamed someone killed you, I might call you too just so I’d feel better.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Hey, know what I did dream about you though?”  
“What?”  
“Remember that playground from grade school? I dreamed we were sitting inside that round metal tube, y’know where we used to smoke? Only we were kissing, not smoking.”

“That’s a nice dream, Leo. Were we kids or were we grownup?”

“Both, I think. We looked grownup but we kept saying we had to go in after recess, so I dunno. We fit in the metal tube good though, so how could we be grownup? Dreams are so weird.”

“I hate them.”  
“You have these a lot, huh?”  
“Not as much as I used to. It’s better since, since you. When you’re here, or I’m there, I don’t even have nightmares. Not bad ones anyway.”

“That’s good, Will. I’m glad.” Leo didn’t say that he’d been awakened more than once by Willie thrashing around and whimpering in the middle of the night. Usually Leo just shook him awake and said his name and he rolled over and went back to sleep. Once he’d sat straight up and said “Die, fuckin’ die” to an empty spot on the bed. Once he’d said “Erica” in a really sad voice and Leo had gotten up for awhile and cried in front of the TV. “So do you think you can go back to sleep?”

“Maybe. I might go sleep on the couch though with the TV. I’m gonna take a valium and I put on... um... Leo?” 

“Yeah?” 

“About your shirt.” Leo could not believe that of all the times to discuss this, Willie was picking 3 am on a weeknight. 

“Yeah?” 

“Well, this is why I have it. I mean, why I took it. Cuz if I have a nightmare I put it on and then I can smell you and feel a little like you’re here and I can go back to sleep and they don’t come back.” 

Leo closed his eyes and leaned his head against the wall. He wished he didn’t know that, because it made him feel stressed. Willie was so needy sometimes. Then he pictured Willie huddled in his too big shirt afraid the prison rapist was going to kill his boyfriend and take him back to jail, and made his voice soft. “OK honey. I’m glad it helps. But don’t be afraid. It was only a dream. Everything’s OK.” 

“Leo, I’m scared to go to counseling. They’ll want to talk about all this stuff and it will make me dream about it more, I’ll be thinking about it all the time and it will make me crazier.” 

Oh god, it was night of issue-airing. “You’re not crazy, Will. And counseling doesn’t work like that. They would want you to talk about what’s scaring you now and whether or not you need to be scared of it. Like, you’re not running any big secret crime ring I don’t know about, are you?” 

Willie tsked at him. “No. If I was I’d have more money.” 

“So why do you even worry about going back to jail? You’re out. It’s over. That’s the kind of thing they ask.” 

“I don’t know the answer though.” 

“Right, if you knew the answer, you wouldn’t need to go. They help you figure out the answer. Also, maybe they would give you one of those drugs, like, for anxiety.” Leo had garnered this information from the rape victim support brochures, but he didn’t mention that. 

“They have drugs?”  
“Yeah, they have drugs.”  
“Are you taking any?”  
“Me? No. Mike said I didn’t need them. Cuz you already make me happy, Willie.”  
“Did Mike say that?”  
“No, I said that. Mike thinks we’re in love though.”  
“Well, derrr.”  
“OK, can I go back to sleep now, Will?”  
“Yeah. Thanks.”  
“No problem. Go to sleep.”  
“Would you go with me if I went?”  
“Yeah, we’re both gonna go to sleep, Willie.” Leo yawned.  
“No, no. Would you go with me if I went to counseling?”  
“Yeah, if you want. After you went once, you wouldn’t be nervous to go anymore.” 

“How do I do it?”  
“Willie, we’ll talk about it over the weekend, OK?”  
“I want the anxiety drug.”  
“OK, good. I’m glad. I think that’s a really good idea. I promise we’ll talk about it over the weekend. Or tomorrow. I’ll call you tomorrow night.” They said goodnight and Leo stared out the window for a moment. He wondered if Willie would really go to counseling or was just trying to keep him on the phone so he wouldn’t be alone with his nightmares. Oh, he so needed to go. Leo found a yellow stickie and wrote himself a note to call Mike about a referral.

  


  


**1 week later, Wednesday morning**

  


Willie read next week’s schedule on the break room wall three times to make sure he was reading it right. This couldn’t be right. He was only scheduled to work four days next week. Why didn’t he have a shift for Monday? He hadn’t screwed anything up. He thought. No, he hadn’t. He knew he hadn’t. He checked again if Monday was some kind of national holiday or something. No, other people were scheduled to work. Now he wouldn’t have enough money in his next paycheck. He felt anger starting to tick in the back of his head and went outside to have a cigarette. It was mid-morning and the midtown crowds were jostling and irritating. Everything about this fucking job was irritating. He was so tired and wished he could get a decent night’s sleep without waking up from the nightmares. There just wasn’t enough coffee in the world. And the weekend wasn’t for two more whole days, and no Leo for two more whole days, and now they’re fucking with his paycheck and maybe they’re phasing him out and then he won’t have a job. He felt like crying, or punching something, and had another cigarette. He called Leo’s cellphone but got his voicemail and hung up. Leo would just say to ask Tony about it and find out instead of panicking. Leo would say to ask Tony for an extra shift to make up the money. Leo probably slept like a fucking baby. 

Willie flicked his cigarette away and went back inside. He should probably catch Tony now before Tony took his lengthy managerial lunch, or he’d worry about it all afternoon. He could see Tony through the glass-topped partition marking off his management cubicle. He hated talking to Tony. Tony always acted like he was a criminal on the verge of relapsing, like he’d done him some big favor hiring “a man with a record,” as if anyone else would want this shitty job. Willie felt that ticking in his head again and went and shelved some more CDs and took deep breaths. No point trying to talk to Tony if he was going to scream at him. Tony would just think his relapse was closer. Recidivism. That’s the word. Like Tony was worth killing. Willie just hated people fucking with his schedule. What was he gonna do on Monday when Leo left for work now? Sleep, maybe. That was kind of a good thought. He took a deep breath and tried another approach to the management cubicle. 

He knocked at the glass partition. “Tony, can I talk to you a minute?” 

“Bill! Sure!” Tony looked alarmed, obviously wondering how many customers Willie had killed now. “What’s up? Sit down.” 

Willie looked around. All the chairs were covered with files and CDs and take-out food trash. He moved a stack of them over and leaned against a low filing cabinet. He crossed his arms, then thought that must look hostile and uncrossed his arms. He fiddled with his tie. He shoved his hands in his pockets and took them out again. He settled for crossing his arms. He felt hostile. “Is there some kinda problem with my work, Tony?” 

“What? No! I mean, not that I know of. Did someone say something to you?”  
“No, I just wanted to know if you have a problem.”  
“No, Bill. You’re doing a good job. Why? Oh! Yeah, I’m sorry. I’ll put the paperwork through this week, I promise. I got held up with inventory. I’ll make it retroactive to your six- month anniversary though. I have to get your file out and check the dates. I’m sorry for the delay.”

“Delay?” 

“Yeah. I shoulda done it last week. Isn’t that what you’re talking about, your six-month raise?” 

“Oh! Um, sure. Yeah, thanks, Tony.” 

“Yeah, well, it wasn’t any reflection on your work. It was just me being swamped. No, everyone’s really happy with your work. We like you. You’re reliable and good with customers.” 

“Oh, good. OK.” 

“Ok, good.” Tony looked at him, obviously wondering why he was still standing there. Willie was thrown off by that raise thing. He’d forgotten about that in all his irritation. “Was there something else?” 

“How come I’m only working four days next week if I’m so good at this job?”  
Tony looked confused. “Because you asked for Monday off.”  
“No I didn’t.”  
Tony looked at him strangely, then stood up and grabbed a smudged and wrinkled file folder off one of the chairs. It said Schedule in black magic marker. He flipped through it and pulled out one of the carbonless office forms they used for almost every communication here. It was a leave request form dated two weeks ago in which Willie put in to have next Monday off. It had been signed “Bill Gutierrez,” though that wasn’t his handwriting. In the notes section was printed messily, “Please, Tony, please, as one man to another, I need Valentine’s weekend to last till Monday.” Willie thought it looked like Justin’s handwriting. He frowned at it. Tony cleared his throat. “Did you break up with her? If there’s some kind of problem or something...”

“No, Tony, I just forgot. I’m sorry. Had a lot on my mind. Of course. I’m sorry. I should thank you. Um, thanks.” 

“Well, OK. Glad to do it. I mean, I was glad to see, well, I hope everything’s OK, Bill.” 

“Yeah, everything’s fine, Tony, thanks. And thanks for getting on that raise.” 

“Absolutely.”  
Willie headed back to the break room. What the hell was Justin doing? At least Tony wasn’t out to get him. And it’s a good thing he’d gone in there, or he’d never have gotten that raise; he was sure Tony would never have done it until prodded. Thank god for Tony’s guilty conscience because Willie had completely forgotten about it. It’s a pretty forgettable raise, anyway, he thought. Another dollar an hour which after taxes would come out to about three more beers a week with tip. God, this job sucked. One man to another, give him a fuckin’ break. Tony was a weak little suckup whenever the regional managers came by and then the rest of the time threw his weight around bossing and leching at the high school girl cashiers. Willie had found one of the pretty ones crying in the break room one day about Tony, and listened to her long sad tale about Tony the pig and given her a cigarette and told her to quit and find a better job. He’d told her to use the classical music desk extension as the phone number for her reference and when some clothing store had called he’d said he was the store manager and she was the best employee on earth. She’d thought this was the most brilliant scam ever. Willie’d gotten a kick out of it. She’d sent him a Christmas card with a whole bunch of discount coupons for the clothing store, which Willie hadn’t used yet. Maybe he’d go shopping Monday.

Justin was sitting in the break room reading the paper. Willie sat down across from him and pulled the paper down. Justin looked at him. “What?” 

“Fuck what. What the fuck are you doin’ to me, Justin?” 

“What?”  
“Putting me in for days off I don’t need.”  
“Oh, you need it.” 

“No, I don’t. Now I’m gonna be fuckin’ broke. Plus I went and asked Tony about it and I looked like a fuckin’ idiot who didn’t know what days he put in for.” 

Justin laughed. “What’d you say?”  
“I told him I forgot, what was I gonna say? Why did you do that?”  
“Because Leo asked me to.”  
“Leo?”  
“He called me a month ago and asked me if there was any way I could arrange for you to have that day off. He assured me it was for a good cause.” “Leo called you? Secretly?”

“Calm down, Will. It’s not like we’re having some torrid affair. He stated his business and we exchanged pleasantries. We haven’t spoken since. Which reminds me, we should go out again. Though I’m not bringing Joey and expose him to further death threats.” 

“Leo wouldn’t really hurt him. He was just scaring him.” 

“Effectively.”  
“But why would Leo do that?”  
“Hurt Joey?” 

“No, interfere with my job.” 

“I assumed it had something to do with Valentines Day. But I also assumed he would have told you by now, so who knows? You’d have to ask him.” 

“He’s got his cellphone turned off.” Willie tried phoning Leo again and got the voicemail again. He left a message: “Why do I have Monday off, you interfering sneak? Call me. Bye.” He looked at Justin again. “Did he say it was about Valentines?” 

Justin sighed. “No.”  
“Well, what’d he say?”  
“I don’t remember his exact words. Something like, I want Willie to have this day off, but it’s a surprise so can you arrange it and keep a secret. And I asked what the surprise was and he said a nice surprise. So clearly he doesn’t trust me with much of a secret, which is just as well since now I’ve told you. But really, it’s this weekend. What is he thinking?”

“Well, why did you have to put from one man to another? That was disgusting.”  
“I thought he was more likely to say yes if he felt flattered. You intimidate him.” 

“No I don’t.”  
“Well, not on purpose maybe. But he’s intimidated. He thinks you’re tough.” 

“Tougher than him. Hell, Justin, you’re tougher than him.”  
“Thank you so much, Will. I’m sure you meant that in the nicest possible way.” 

“Shut up, you forged my name. From one man to another. Christ. He smiled at me. Why’d you have to write that?”

“Did he put your raise in?”

“He said he’d do it this week. Retroactive.”  
“He’s so full of shit. Remind him till he does it.”  
Willie sighed. “I don’t have anything for him for Valentines.”  
“For Tony? Could lead to a better raise.”  
“Fuck you. For Leo. I didn’t know we were doing that shit.”  
“You are really in a foul mood today, you know that? What happened to the lovebirds?” 

“Nothing. I’m just tired. What am I gonna get him? I don’t have any fucking money.” 

“Well, you’ll just have to let him take it out in trade, dear.”  
Willie sighed again. “What did you get Don?”  
“Nothing, we don’t do that shit.”  
“He needs a new backpack. And his socks are all holey.”  
“Oh be still my heart. A backpack. Socks. Feel the love.”  
“Well, I don’t know what the fuck to get him.”  
“What would he like but not buy for himself?”  
“I don’t know. He doesn’t care about having stuff. He doesn’t like shopping.”  
“But what does he like?”  
“Going to the gym. Going to school. Going out. Seeing his friends. Talking to his counselor about how I make him crazy.”

“I was thinking of more intimate things he might like. Not that you need list them. But think about things that would make him crazy.”

“What do you mean?”

“What are you doing after work?” “Nothing. Why?” 

“There’s a sex shop in the Village that has good stuff. You could get him something and wrap it in a new backpack if you wanted. With socks.” Justin laughed. “We can get dinner too. Maybe I’ll see something Don would like and surprise him with a Valentine.” 

“Justin, you’re saving my life.” 

“Always glad to be of service.”

 

  


**6 pm Friday February 13 th (2 days later)**

  


Willie was nervous. He kept telling himself he was imagining it, but he had just felt dread all day. Leo hadn’t called him back until almost midnight on Wednesday, and claimed he’d been out shopping with Theresa. Since when did Leo shop? At night? With women? Willie had blatantly disbelieved him, and Leo had gotten huffy. Willie told himself for the dozenth time that day that Leo wasn’t seeing Theresa. Leo had told him he wasn’t and Leo wouldn’t lie to him about it. Leo kept trying to get him to meet Theresa, but he kept making excuses. Seeing her would just give him more vivid mental images of Leo having sex with her, and his mind was supplying enough images already, filling in generic woman. He couldn’t even ask Leo about it anymore because Leo’d gotten so sick of it that whenever he asked about Theresa, Leo asked when he was gonna start going to counseling, and then it was a standoff. All Leo would say about the Monday holiday was “Trust me” and that he’d meet Willie in Brooklyn at six on Friday and he should have a quick dinner ready that they could eat fast. So now soup was simmering on the stove and sandwich things were on the table and it was 6:30 and Leo wasn’t here. Willie had wrapped up a new backpack with surprises in it in some red wrapping paper and hidden it in his closet, as Leo still hadn’t mentioned valentines at all. He’d spent an hour in the Hallmark store at Port Authority looking for a valentine’s card that said the right thing and settled on a plain red heart that said “I love you”. He hadn’t bought a valentines present since Erica, and that was easy: necklace and lingerie and flowers and the gushiest card. Leo didn’t want jewelry and lingerie and flowers and gush. Who could tell what Leo wanted? Willie smiled. Probably a vibrating buttplug with a remote control was not exactly on his list either, but he was getting one, as well as some kind of minty stuff that supposedly made that whole tongue and butt thing nicer. Willie hoped it didn’t sting. He’d gotten him a bunch of Reese’s cups candy too; Leo had loved those when they were kids. 

His phone rang and he snatched it up. It was Leo. “I was stuck in traffic in the tunnel for half an hour, Will, so I’m running late. I’m almost there.” 

“You’re in a car?” 

“Yes.”  
“Who’s with you?” 

“No one.” 

“You don’t have a car.”  
“I borrowed one. Listen, is it safe to park outside your house?”  
“For how long?”  
“Just while we eat dinner. Then we’re leaving.”  
“Where are we going?”  
“Is the car safe long enough for us to eat dinner?”  
“Is it a nice car?”  
“No, it’s a shitbox but it runs.”  
“Yeah, oughta be alright for a bit. Don’t leave anything conspicuous in it.”  
“OK. It has an alarm. I’ll put it on.”  
“Alright, see you soon.”  
Fifteen minutes later Leo buzzed and Willie let him in. He looked out the window to see where Leo had parked the car and saw the teenagers from next door leaning on it already. He opened the window and yelled down at them to behave themselves. They called him a fag. He told them he’d turn them all into fags if they fucked with the car. They laughed. He shut the window.

Leo was looking at him in English-only bewilderment. “What’s all that yelling?”

“I was telling them to leave the car alone.”  
“Oh.”  
“Come and eat and tell me what’s going on.” Leo looked all happy about something; it made him even handsomer when his blue eyes sparkled like that. Willie felt like he hadn’t seen him in years instead of in a week. Leo sipped at his soup distractedly and Willie realized Leo was really excited.

“Will, tomorrow’s Valentine’s Day.”  
“Yeah.”  
“So, um, I thought we would celebrate it with a trip.”  
“A trip?”  
“Yeah, you have to pack.”  
“A trip to where?”  
“Out of the city. For the weekend.”  
“I can’t leave the state, Leo. I mean, I will if it’s really important. But I don’t wanna get in trouble with the parole board. So they can’t find out.”

“We’re not leaving the state. You have to pack.”  
“What do I have to pack?”  
“Clothes and stuff for the weekend. You know, weekend trip stuff. Oh, and bring stuff for cold weather and snow.”

“What?”

“Like mittens and boots and a hat and scarf.”  
“Leo, I don’t have mittens and a hat. I have gloves and a scarf.”  
Leo smiled and handed him one of the plastic bags he’d brought in with him. “I figured you wouldn’t so I got you some.” Willie looked inside. Black knit mittens and a hat. Weird. “Do you have boots? I couldn’t just pick you up boots. I don’t know your shoe size. Plus you really gotta try ‘em on.”

Willie considered. “What are the boots for?”  
“Like, snow.”  
“I got some workboots from one of my restaurant jobs where I was always dropping cans on my feet and standing on wet floors.”

“Perfect. Bring ‘em.”

“They’ll make my bag really heavy.”  
“Doesn’t matter; we’ll just throw ‘em in the car.”  
“Oh right.” Willie went into the bedroom, bringing half his sandwich with him, and started throwing stuff into a duffel bag. He put the boots on the bed next to the bag. He also put the shopping bag with the wrapped backpack and card in it on the bed. He thought about the lube and condoms and wondered where they were going. He hoped they weren’t going to sleep on someone’s couch or something. Anyway, lube’s not heavy; he threw it in the bag. Leo was making coffee to fill a thermos, which troubled Willie. How far were they going that there wouldn’t be someplace to get coffee? He really didn’t like this mystery trip stuff. He tried to just trust Leo, but he must have looked doubting because when he went out to the kitchen to say he was ready, Leo hugged him.

“Will, smile. You’re gonna like it. It’ll be fun. It’s a present. The trip is a present.” 

“OK, Leo.” Willie smiled.  
Leo laughed at him. “You look so worried. You need a sweater under that coat. It’s gonna be cold.” Willie got his sweater, the big Irish sweater that used to be Leo’s. It always made him smile. Willie made sure the coffeemaker was off and locked up the apartment and they carried everything down to the car. The kids laughed and cleared off it when they saw them coming. Leo kept an eye on them while he started the car. “Are they laughing at us?”

“Yeah. Not in really mean way. Just in general.”  
“Do they give you a hard time?”  
“No. On their own they just say hi. In a group they say fag. See that one in the green jacket?”

“Yeah.”

“He winks at me sometimes. On his own. His name is Raoul.”  
“How do you know?”  
“He introduced himself. I think he was flirting.”  
Willie backed up and maneuvered the car into the street. “So now he’s yelling fag?” 

“Well now the others are here.” 

“What is he, fourteen?”  
Willie laughed. “He told me he was eighteen. I told him I was ninety.”  
Leo headed for the highway. “I don’t get your neighborhood.”  
“What, you think your neighbors don’t know about you?”  
“I keep myself to myself. What’s for them to know?”  
“I had a whole conversation about how nice you are with the old lady who lives on the first floor of your building. She seemed to know all about you.”

“Oh, Mary. Well. She’s home all day watching people come and go. She knows all about everyone.”

“Well, it’s the same thing.” 

Traffic had thinned out now that rush hour was over and they made good time out of the city. Willie started to get nervous as the highway headed into a dark landscape of trees. There weren’t any buildings or any people, only signs for towns he’d barely heard of. 

“Leo, are you gonna tell me where we’re going?”  
“To a country inn.”  
“What’s that?”  
“It’s just a place you hang out for the weekend and be spoiled at. Look at the pretty trees. Eat hot blueberry muffins.” Willie didn’t get it and stared out the window.

Ghostly faces peered back at him. He moaned and sank down in the car seat, grabbing for Leo’s arm. “What? Willie? Are you sick?”

“There’s things in the trees, Leo. Don’t look at them. Just turn around and go back.” 

“They’re deer, Willie. Their eyes reflect. It’s fine.”  
“No, we’re on a highway. They’re some kinda things.” He sounded a little panicky. 

“A highway surrounded by woods. They’re just deer. Look, quick. Sit up.” Leo slowed the car down. Willie sat up and looked. There was a deer in the road. It was looking at him, its eyes glowing. It was a tawny brownish red color, like Leo, if Leo was a deer. Leo beeped the horn and it ran off, faster than Willie would have expected.

“Where’s it goin’?”  
“I don’t know. To the other side of the road, I guess.”  
“Why’d it stop and look at me?” Willie asked, amazed.  
“It was looking at the headlights. They get stunned by the light, like hypnotized by it, and stop. That’s how they get hit by cars.”

Willie still couldn’t believe he’d seen a deer in real life. “That was so weird. How do you know all this stuff about deer, Leo?”

Leo didn’t answer him. Willie looked over and couldn’t read the expression on his face. 

He thought Leo looked sad but not sad like he was gonna cry. More brave sad. “Leo, are you OK?” 

“Huh? Oh, yeah, Will, I’m OK. Sorry, I was just thinkin’.” Willie wondered whether he should ask. “What about?” “About someone I used to be in love with.”  
Oh, he knew he wanted to know. “Who?” 

“Judy. Her name’s Judy.”  
“What happened?”  
“We were in love, but it didn’t work out, so we broke up.”  
“How long did you go out for?”  
“Two years.”  
“That’s a long time.”  
“Yeah. It was really nice. I wanted to marry her.”  
“What happened?”  
Leo took a deep breath. “She joined a convent. She’s a nun now.” Willie didn’t know what to say. That was one of the most bizarre things he’d ever heard. Some chick was getting it regular from Leo and gave it up? “It’s OK, Will, you can laugh.”

He looked over at Leo who looked sad again, silhouetted against the black night outside the car. “Why would I laugh? You’re not laughing.” 

“We really were in love. She just had this God thing though. It was hard.”  
“How come you never mentioned her before?”  
“Lots of reasons. I was afraid you’d laugh at me, like I make girls run for a convent.” 

“No you don’t, Leo. They just know that after you it’s all downhill so why bother.” Leo smiled a little and Willie felt glad.

“And it was a big thing for me and I just didn’t wanna talk about it. And you get a little jealous sometimes, Will, so why talk about someone I used to be in love with?”

“Well, she’s a friggin’ nun now, so I’m not gonna worry about her. I’m not that crazy jealous.”

“Anyway, that’s how I know about the deer. Because she and I used to spend weekends like this sometimes, and it was really nice. So that’s why I thought you would like it too. Judy grew up in Maine and the city made her crazy. She knew all about the country. I was the same way about the trees and the deer at first as you are, but now I like them.”

“Are we going someplace you used to go with her?” 

“No, a different place. I’ve never been here before. I heard about it from people at school.” Leo turned the CD player on, so Willie figured he didn’t want to talk anymore. He stared out the window. There were a lot of stars out here and lots of white snow. In the city, the snow turned to slush right away and never got very deep. He felt like he was in a Christmas card. The CD was all romantic love songs, old ones, like Sam Cooke and Frank Sinatra and early Beatles, all singing like they were in love and happy about it. He looked over at Leo, who caught him looking. 

“You gettin’ sleepy, Willie?”  
“No. It’s a nice CD.”  
“It’s yours. I made it for you.” Leo reached down without looking and handed him a CD cover. He put the light on so Willie could see it. It had a heart-shaped Xerox of a photo of them when they were kids, sitting close together on Leo’s mother’s couch and smiling. All around the edges it said “Willie + Leo + Willie + Leo + Willie + Leo." “I had the photo copied for you too, but I left it at my house so it wouldn’t get wrecked.”

Willie was speechless. Leo never did mushy stuff like this; he just took your addictive drugs away from you and made you wear warm clothes. “You made this for me?” 

“Yeah. Do you like it?”  
“Leo, I love it. Thank you.”  
“Do you really love it?”  
“I really love it.”  
Leo turned the light off, but Willie could see him grinning. “You wanna really feel awful, Will?”

“No! I love my CD!” 

“Remember the shit you gave me about shopping with Theresa and was I seeing her and why don’t I stop lying to you? Remember that whole freakout you had, you insecure weirdo?” 

“Uh, yeah. Vaguely.” 

“Vaguely!” Leo was laughing. “I was out with Theresa shopping for the CDs to make this with, and then I was at her place burning the songs onto a CD for you and she had to help me make the cover cuz she’s good at all that computer stuff and has a scanner. So that’s where I was. Making your Valentine’s present. And you said I was cheating on you. I was so mad at you you almost didn’t get it.” 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know.” 

“Yeah, well now you owe that to Theresa, cuz I bitched to her about it and she said, ‘Oh, Leo, you’re overreacting, he loves you so much.’” 

“Well, she’s right.” 

“Well you just remember next time you start that shit that last time you did that, I was busy making you a present. Just remember. And get a grip.” 

“Yes, Leo. Thank you, Leo. Also thank Theresa for her help and her wisdom.”  
“You can thank her yourself. We’re having dinner with her Monday night.”  
“You’ve just arranged everything, haven’t you?”  
“Pretty much, yeah. That’s why I’ve been so busy, arranging things. We’re here, by the way.” Leo turned off the highway and drove through a small town. Nothing was open, which seemed very creepy. He left the town and drove through a smaller road into the woods. Willie started to feel nervous again, but Leo seemed to know where he was going. They turned a corner and there was a big farmhouse in front of them with a brightly lit front door and a few cars. Leo pulled up and turned off the car.

The door opened before they were even out of the car and a man and woman in their early 40s were greeting them. “Mr. Handler? We’re Tom and Sarah Coogan. We’re glad you made it OK. We were just gonna start worrying.” 

“Oh, it’s Leo. We hit some traffic in the city. This is Will Gutierrez.” Willie stood in the snow in his loafers, shaking hands and feeling surreal. 

“Come on in out of the cold now. There’s some hot food inside and your room’s ready. You must be tired if you drove up from the city.” The Coogans helped them carry their stuff inside where it was warm and everything smelled like firewood and fresh bread. Leo thought Willie looked a bit dazed. They followed the Coogans to a living room in another wing of the farmhouse and then through another door into what Sarah called their sitting room. It had a TV and a big comfy-looking sofa with lots of pillows. Low bookcases held books and magazines and board games, and there was a small dining table and chairs in front of the window. 

They went through another door to a large bedroom with a king-size sleigh bed and another large sofa angled near a fireplace where a small fire snapped and crackled away. Leo saw Willie staring at the fire in confusion. He dropped his luggage on the floor and walked over to Willie, taking his duffel bag out of his hands and putting it down. Willie slipped his hand into Leo’s and then looked at Sarah and Tom and pulled his hand away again. Leo grabbed his hand and held it tightly. Sarah pointed at a door and said, “Your bathroom’s right through there; I’ve put in towels and robes and slippers and anything I thought you might need by way of shampoo and shaving cream and what not, but if you want anything else, let me know. I’ve got every lotion and potion they make, I think.” She laughed. “I’ll let you get your coats off and get settled, but come on out and have something to eat and I think Tom wants you to sign the register or something.” 

“OK, thanks. We’ll be out in a little bit.” Leo said. Sarah put two keys on the bureau and she and Tom left the room. Leo led Willie over to the sofa in front of the mesmerizing fire and sat down next to him, putting an arm around his shoulder. He still looked dazed. Leo hoped this worked out. If Willie hated the whole vibe they could leave early, he supposed, but he couldn’t face that drive again tonight. “Is it OK, Will?” 

“God, Leo, how much is this costing you?”  
“Never mind, it’s a present. Do you like it?”  
“We can just stay here? All weekend? And fuck in front of the fireplace?”  
“Pretty much, yeah. Happy Valentine’s Day.”  
Willie hugged him. “It’s so fancy.” He stood up. “Look at that bed. It’s huge.” He went over and sat on it and bounced up and down. “And comfy.” He crossed to the windows. “Leo! Leo, come look!” Leo crossed the room and looked. The land sloped away behind the house, so their window looked out over a meadow. The snow in the meadow gleamed eerily in the moonlight, and dark shapes of deer moved across it. “Leo, more deer! It’s like a painting.” Willie grabbed his hand.

Leo hugged him. “Yep. Like a painting.” 

Willie hugged him back and then pulled away. “OK, next I get to see the bathroom, cuz I gotta go.” He crossed into the bathroom. “Leo! Leo, come in here!” Leo went to the bathroom. Willie was still pissing but pointing with his chin. “A hot tub! Do you think it works?” 

Leo smiled. “Of course it works. It’s one of the selling points.” The hot tub was in front of a window facing the same eerie meadow. 

“Can we use it?” 

“Yeah. It’s our room till Monday at noon, Willie. That’s why you needed Monday off, so we could lounge more. In the hot tub. Or in front of the fire. Or whatever you want. I mean, there are actually restaurants and a little shopping and like hiking and sledding; we could leave the room. Depends on how we feel, I guess.” 

Willie zipped up and washed his hands, investigating all the soaps and lotions. “I love it here, Leo. I can’t wait to get into that bed.” 

“OK, well, let’s go check in.” They made their way back out to the main entrance area and were pointed to a dining room mostly taken up by a long wooden farmhouse kitchen table with seating for about twelve. Sarah offered them soup and spinach pasta with shrimp. Leo saw Willie settled in with a bowl of soup and a glass of wine and some homemade bread and butter, and left him to Sarah’s small talk while he went to check them in. 

He returned to find Willie chatting happily with Sarah about cooking and promising to show her how he makes salsa and complimenting her on her college Spanish, telling her that Leo went to college. Leo stood in the doorway watching for a moment, enjoying a glimpse of the old sociable Willie. The more he watched, though, the more he saw that this wasn’t the old Willie at all. The old Willie would never have talked so freely to someone like Sarah; he would have been suspicious of someone so obviously educated and white and older and upper middle class with her expensive but comfortable clothing and plain real pearls. The old Willie would have laughed at him about Judy. The old Willie wouldn’t have been excited about the view out the window. The old Willie wouldn’t be here with him at all. Leo felt oddly excited and needed to sit down, so he stopped eavesdropping and joined them at the table. 

They ate and talked and drank wine for an hour or so, though Sarah left them and went back into the kitchen. Willie kept smiling and running his fingers along Leo’s forearm. He just really couldn’t keep his hands off him, and Leo was looking at him in such a strange intense way. He couldn’t wait to get him back to that big bed, but at the same time it was so nice just sitting here with him. When he thought of everything Leo had done to plan this – the reservations, the scheduling, phoning Justin and involving him. It was like Leo was even more wonderful than he’d expected. And now he was smiling again after that sad story about that religious woman. Leo was so good himself; he would obviously fall for a very spiritual person. Willie wondered if he ought to be more spiritual if that’s what Leo liked. He decided to think about it later and focus on the physical for now. “Leo, are you done eating now? Can we go to bed now?” 

Leo laughed. “Yes. Yes, I’m done eating. Let’s go to bed now.” They got back to their rooms to find that Sarah had left a tray of snacks, a bottle of wine, sodas and juices and a coffeemaker with coffeepaks and teabags. 

“Oh, Leo, I wanna stay forever.” 

“Good, we’ve got all weekend. You wanna admire the snacks some more? Look, she put bread on there for you since you liked it so much at dinner.” 

“She seems really nice. She said I can have her bread recipe if I tell all my friends how nice it is here.” 

“Sounds fair. I thought you wanted to go to bed.”  
“Oh! Leo, you have to open your present. I was forgetting it.”  
“Oh, I do get to open that? I thought I might have to wait till tomorrow or at least midnight.”

“No, open it now. C’mon.” Willie led Leo into the bedroom and sat him in the middle of the bed, then got the present out of the shopping bag and put it in Leo’s lap. “Happy Valentine’s Day, honey.” Leo read the card. Under where it said only, “I love you” Willie had written: “None of the cards are good enough for you. I am not good enough for you either, and I love you for loving me anyway like a better angel.”

Leo looked up from the card and held out his hand. “Come sit here with me, baby. You are so good enough.” Willie kicked his shoes off and climbed onto the bed beside Leo. He hoped the rest of the gift would go over as well as the card. Leo tore the wrapping paper off.  
“A backpack! Mine is ripping. Thank you.” 

“Yeah. It has little red hearts on the zipper pulls, but they come off if you don’t want them on there for school. That’s just the Valentines thing.” Leo hugged him. “No, Leo, open it. There’s stuff inside it.” 

“Oh, OK.” 

He unzipped the top and peanut butter cups fell out into his lap. He laughed. “Have you stuffed this whole thing with Reese’s cups?” 

“No, there’s other stuff. The stuff in tissue paper.”  
Leo opened a candy bar and took a bite. “I love these fuckin’ things. You want one?” 

“Not right now.”  
Leo unwrapped the Cinnabutt mint gel first. He looked at Willie. Willie could feel himself blushing. Maybe this had not been so brilliant. “Um, that’s for, um, it’s...”

“Well, I read the label, Will, I see what it’s for.”

Willie took it out of Leo’s hands and put it in the shopping bag. “Never mind, I’ll take it back. Um, actually...” He grabbed the other tissue wrapped item and threw that in the bag too. “OK, just pretend I did fill it all up with Reese’s cups. Happy Valentine’s Day.” He felt bad. He should have got him socks. “I’ll get you some socks instead. Yours are all getting holey.” Fuckin’ Justin talking him out of socks.

“Will, why are you taking my presents away?”  
“Because, um, because I don’t think you like them.”  
“Well, one of them I didn’t even get to see.”  
“Well, it was like the other one.”  
“Two flavors?” Leo raised his eyebrows at him.  
“Well, no. Kinda related though.”  
“Will, did you buy me stuff you thought I’d like?”  
“I hoped you would like them, but it’s OK if you don’t.”  
“So why don’t you give them to me and let me see if I like them? Some presents need a little explanation. I mean, if I had asked you if you wanted to go stay in a farmhouse for the weekend, you would have said no, what’s the point, right?”

“Maybe.” 

“Right, of course you would, so I made it a surprise. But I was afraid you wouldn’t like it and would scream to go back to the city right away. So maybe I’m just surprised by your presents. Give ‘em back to me.” Willie handed them back. Leo reexamined the gel. “OK, so you went to a store—where did you even get this?” 

“A sex shop in the Village.”  
“OK, you’re in a sex shop and you see this and think Leo will like this because... Will?” Willie looked down at his hands. Leo took his hand and rubbed his knuckles and waited. 

Willie said, “Because I thought you liked it when I put my tongue there, and this would make it nicer.” Leo considered that the old Willie never blushed this much. 

“I didn’t know that was something you wanted to do again.” 

“I would do anything if you liked it. And, I mean,” Willie cleared his throat and looked at his feet. “If, um, part of the turn-on was knowing that it’s not the, um, mintiest thing in the world for me, I would still do it. It wasn’t terrible or anything. I don’t need this stuff.” 

“Willie, do you think I get off on stuff that’s not nice for you?”  
“Well, no. That’s why I bought this.”  
“I did it to you, too. Remember?” Willie buried his face in his hands, but he nodded. 

“Do you want me to do it again?” Leo asked. Willie nodded again, still covering his face. “Ok, Will. Then this is a good present. Thank you.” 

Willie flopped onto his back and stared at the ceiling. He knew Leo didn’t understand but he didn’t know how to tell him. “Leo, that’s not why I got it. You don’t have to.” 

Leo looked at him. He didn’t understand why Willie was so worked up. “It’s not such a big deal, Willie.” 

“It is, it is a big deal.” Willie’s voice was very soft and shook a little. He took a deep breath. “When you, I did it for you because you were nervous. I understand, Leo. I didn’t want you to feel bad, so I thought if I did that, it would feel nice for you and show my respect for you. I totally respect you. And then you put, you did it for me. No one ever did that to me before. It’s like you see me as equal. You take all the bad things and you wash them clean and make me a good person again. That’s what I thought when I bought it.” 

Leo leaned down and kissed him. Then he said, “Thank you for telling me that. You are a good person. And that’s a pretty romantic present.” Leo sat up and reached for the other tissue-wrapped gift. “And this? Is this also very romantic?” 

Willie sat up and laughed a little. “No, that’s just for fun.”  
Leo opened it. “Willie, what is it? It’s blue. And has parts and batteries.”  
“It’s a buttplug. See, watch, I put the batteries in already. I have more if they wear out. Well, here, Leo, for now, just hold it. Then you get the remote. Or someone else, like me, gets the remote. Maybe when you steal the TV remote. And.” He pressed a button on the remote and the gelshape vibrated in Leo’s hand. They burst out laughing at the buzzing noise. “See, we’ll see how long till you switch back to the cartoons!”

“Willie, that’s just nasty.” 

“Well, it could be fun. You know, those weeknights, when you won’t see me for days, and you get your porn video and get the hand lotion and get the remote control and then this remote control and, more fun.” 

“Yeah, sounds like you got that all mapped out there. Sounds like you’re all into it. Did you already try it out for me?” 

Willie giggled. “No, I bought another one for myself.”  
Leo laughed. “I love my presents, Willie. Thank you.”  
“I love mine too. I love you.” He leaned contentedly against Leo. “Willie?”  
“Yeah?”  
“Why are we sitting here when we could be sitting in the hot tub?” 

“Because we’re idiots, let’s go.” 

Valentine’s weekend was blissful, more of a success than Leo had hoped for. He woke up Saturday morning to find himself alone. Willie’s coat was still there, though, so he figured he was around somewhere. Leo took a shower and made a cup of tea before Willie returned, demanding that he get dressed and come to breakfast. Willie claimed to have been awakened by the ungodly racket of the birds and had wandered out to the kitchen where he had convinced Sarah to let him help make the bread. His jeans and t-shirt were marked by patches of flour, and some even clung to his unruly hair. Leo went along and had breakfast and praised the bread. Sarah showed them several battered metal snowsaucers in the barn, and they spent the rest of the morning sledding down the slope behind the inn into the meadow, which looked sparkling and normal by daylight. Everything was crisp in the frosty air, and Willie deigned to wear his new mittens but not the hat. They had a snowball fight, using the saucers as shields. Leo kept waiting for one of the evil rock-hiding iceballs he remembered Willie making in their youth, but instead he saw Willie actually removing stray twigs from snowballs before he threw them. They chased each other around the meadow, throwing snowballs and randomly tackling each other in some game they invented as they went that involved touching certain trees on the perimeter of the meadow. Leo didn’t actually understand it, but he figured it didn’t matter as long as they were running around and laughing. Willie seemed to especially like the tackling strategy, landing Leo in a bank of soft snow, then lying on top of him giggling before letting him up and dashing to a tree again. It was after noon before Leo noticed Willie’s teeth were chattering and suggested repairing to the hot tub to warm up before lunch. 

Willie dozed in the hot tub and Leo let him, staring at his profile thoughtfully. He couldn’t remember a single time before last night that Willie had ever mentioned a desire to be a good person. Leo had thought things just seemed different because of the sex, but out here in different surroundings, Willie seemed like a nicer person, happier, more relaxed, less moody, just generally easier to be with. And that whole thing about respect -- Leo had known Willie cared about him in a needy kind of way, but that thing about equals didn’t sound like buddies. It sounded like partners. At least that’s the word the people in the gay students’ group used for it. But Leo didn’t really get their whole thing. He’d gone to their meetings a couple of times, but he didn’t really have anything in common with them except for having sex with another man. 

But if Willie was his partner, what did that mean? Should they move in together? Leo had thought about this on some of those endless subway rides to Brooklyn. His schedule would be easier if Willie just moved in with him. But did he want Willie and all his emotionality around 24-7? Maybe he did; he didn’t mind it nearly as much as he had at first and they spent virtually all their free time together anyway. But would Willie wanna move in with him? What if he wanted to stay in his own neighborhood? Leo hated not understanding the language, and school was a lot closer to his place than Willie’s. Though in a couple of months he would graduate from school and have to look for a job, and then his schedule would be even weirder what with on-calls and night shifts. And how far in the future was he thinking anyway? Did he really think he and Willie were going to stay together forever, or at least for years? Did he even want that? Did he want to factor Willie into every decision he made about his life? Leo suddenly recognized his train of thought. This was the kind of thing he used to think about when he was thinking of asking Judy to marry him. This was the “how serious am I” train of thought. He realized he hadn’t felt single for weeks now. He sighed and sunk further into the tub, putting his hands over his face. His fingers were wrinkly from the water. He reached for Willie’s hand and checked it – also wrinkly. He coaxed Willie out of the tub and onto the bed where he grumbled and promptly fell back to sleep. Leo smiled at his sleepiness, the little city rat woken by the birds, and decided a nap was actually a good idea after all that thinking. It’s not like he had to make any sudden decisions. 

They spent the rest of the weekend in much the same way: playing, napping, eating, and making love in the sleigh bed. And the hot tub. And by the fireplace. And on the couch in front of the TV. They went out to a fancy restaurant for dinner on Saturday night, and Willie insisted on paying for it. They ate dinner in the dining room Sunday night with the half dozen other guests. Willie kept introducing Leo to people as “my boyfriend Leo.” Leo couldn’t figure out when he’d managed to meet them all. After dinner, they retreated back to their fireplace. Leo lay on his back on the sofa, propped up with pillows, and Willie stretched out on top of him, nestling against his chest and staring into the fire. Leo idly played with Willie’s hair. It’s getting so long, he thought. He realized that at this very moment, he was happy. He wasn’t hungry, he wasn’t horny, he wasn’t tired or worried, and Willie was with him. He thought about two older men who had been at the dinner table. They were in their late 60s or early 70s, and were evidently a couple, finishing each other’s sentences and saying everything in terms of “we” – “we” like fishing, “we” like Florida, “we” like gardening. He wondered if he and Willie would end up like that or if they would go back to women. He shook his head. Maybe it was just the romance of Valentine’s weekend making him think this way. 

“Leo?”  
“Mm-hmm.”  
“Someday I want an apartment with a fireplace.”  
“OK.”  
“I don’t wanna go back to the city. I just wanna stay here.”  
“I know.”  
“Do you wanna stay too?”  
“Well, it’d be good to stay for another week or so, anyway.”  
“This was one of the best weekends of my whole life, Leo. Thank you so much.” 

“I’m glad you like it. Maybe sometime we can come back.”  
Willie raised his head and looked at him. “That would be great. I hope we can.” 

“Yeah. I bet it’s really different in the summer when it’s warm out. We could go swimming in that frozen lake.”

“That would be nice.”

Leo had a wild idea. He always recognized his wild ideas as wild, and this was one of them. “Probably the lake wouldn’t really be warm until July or so,” he ventured. 

“Really? I don’t think I ever went swimming in a lake. Just pools and the beach.” Willie yawned. 

“I could make a reservation for the Fourth of July weekend if you want, Will. They book up fast, so it wouldn’t be too early to make the reservation and leave a deposit.” 

Willie stared at him and then rolled off of him and sat on the floor, leaning against the couch and looking into the fire. “July’s far away.” He sounded very noncommittal. 

“Five months.”  
“You’ll be graduated from college by then.”  
“Yeah.”  
“You might have another job.”  
“If I’m lucky.”  
Willie didn’t say anything for a long time. The firelight flickered on his face, the shifting shadows making his expression hard to read. Finally he said, “Do you really wanna make plans that far in advance, Leo?”

“Are you planning anything that would conflict with them, Willie?” 

Willie turned to look at him. He looked very serious. “No. I wanna come here in July. I just wasn’t sure you liked it as much.” 

“Well, I do. I’m gonna make the reservations.” 

Leo thought Willie’s smile was warmer and brighter than the fire. Willie punched his arm lightly and said, “OK, but you gotta let me pay half.” 

Leo grinned. “Start saving up.” 


End file.
